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Archives: Jul 2012

My boss wants my pee

My future employer wants an entire cup of my pee, and he wants it within 168 hours. He needs it. Fresh, untainted urine is necessary for our business relationship to begin. He wants to pay experts to study it, withdraw interesting things from it and test it for cleanliness and moral fiber. He wants to save it for posterity. A generous annual salary, health benefits and a retirement plan can all be mine. All he wants in return is a drinking glass filled with my pee.

Well, he also wants me to work a job for forty hours per week, but that’s a minute detail. The cherry on top of this hot fudge sundae is my urine.

I’ve never taken a drug test before. Sure, I’ve urinated into cups numerous times, but that was back in college. That was just for fun, purely recreational. This is a professional urination. This urination is all business, polished and mature. No laughing, no spraying half of it on the floor for fun, no shouting “Dude, I’m totally peeing in this cup!” as I totally pee into the cup. My tendency to urinate into things is finally reaching the big leagues.

More tragedies haunt theaters

Hermantown, MINN – Fifteen minutes into the screening of “Ice Age: Continental Drift”, Claude Brown saw the emergency door of the theater open. A smoke bomb was thrown across the floor, and for a while he couldn’t see anything. Before he knew what was happening, he was given a friendly hug. He wasn’t the only one. It was the largest mass hugging in our nation’s history. Nearly 30 people in that theater were hugged in a friendly manner, without permission, by an assailant who is still at large.

“I hope them Hollywood types are happy,” said Brown. “They made this movie, and it inspired somebody to hug, and now here I sit, all hugged and shit. I feel violated.”

Days after a devastating massacre at a movie theater in Colorado, a series of other mentally unstable people emulating movies have been causing similar tragedies in Northern Minnesota..During a Duluth screening of “Magic Mike”, a movie about male strippers, an obese man in a thong burst through the emergency exit and began performing an exotic dance in front of moviegoers. Nine people died from the gruesome sight, and nearly 20 other victims required treatment at a local hospital.

Even Twins DQ promotional cap looks depressed

Ben Revere steps to the plate and looks out into the stands. Empty blue seats line the bleachers, despite it only being the fourth inning. The only semblance of “fans” is a nude homeless man touching himself in the center field bleachers. Welcome to Minnesota Twins 2012 baseball, where the team is 15 games under .500 and their best player is Trevor Plouffe, a man whose last name sounds like an exquisite fart.

As Revere takes strike one, the nude homeless man saunters to the edge of the center field wall and quietly excretes on an unsuspecting Alex Rios.

A list of various failed things I’ve attempted in the past hour

I’m having trouble thinking up a proper column today. I’ve tried all my usual tactics for brainstorming good ideas: Scouring the Facebook pages of my friends to steal all their interesting stories. Pouring whiskey into my eyeballs. Drinking paint and then writing about the hospital visit. None of these standard journalistic methods worked this week. I’m still stumped.

I’m doing my usual thing where I write half a column, throw it away because it sucks, then repeat that process until I have something. I’ve started at least five columns so far, and I don’t like any of them. I was going to write about how there’s a guy at my work who looks like an Asian version of Fozzie Bear from The Muppets, but it’s really hard to get a photo of someone’s face without them noticing. I know this because he has caught me multiple times.

How to be a winner at Comic Con

Next week is Comic Con, the American version of Japan’s SofubiCon, which is an annual festival where people exchange artistic porcelain vaginas. Ours is more about pop culture and comic books, though. Here are some non-vaginal tips for attendees of this iconic conference.

– If you’re actually going to Comic Con because you like comic books, congratulations! You’re one of three people there for that purpose. Everyone else is just there to watch movie trailers and subtly brush up against the boobs of booth babes.

– Speaking of them, when taking photos of the “booth babes” that shill products at the vendor booths, there’s no need to tell them you plan to jackoff to the pictures later. They know their role.

– If you happen to see women who look angry or are asleep in a corner of a room, those are bored girlfriends/wives who are greatly regretting their request to come along.

– Tickets to Comic Con are difficult to get. To find out the date and time of the sale, they make you do annoying things like follow them on Twitter and sign up for e-mail newsletters. Every year, the ticket prices go up. This year a four-day pass is $175. Next year it’s “a boat named after your dead wife”.