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Archives: Aug 2012

Is that a poop?

What is that on the floor of this light rail train? Is that a piece of poop? Is that a poop wrapped in a paper towel? It sure looks like it. Yep. No mistaking this one. I have been fooled by poops before, but this is definitely the real deal. Yes sir.. Somebody pooped in that paper towel like a champ.

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for six years, through which I’ve seen many things, but this is the first time I’ve seen a turd hidden inside a paper towel. I’ve seen paper towels that people used to wipe their ass. Hobos leave those everywhere. I’ve seen poop on the sidewalk, rollin’ solo. Not small poops, either. I’m talking huge Marmaduke style poops, long and terrifying, melting in the sun like a fudgesicle. But this is the first time I’ve seen poop neatly wrapped in a paper towel, as if it were a gift for a treasured friend. This is dude poop, my friends. Poop from a dude.

A list of people I currently despise

Ann Landers and Craig T. Nelson
They know why.

DC Comics
Hollywood has now made movies about nearly every superhero. Why not Wonder Woman? We get every superhero except the one with huge tits? I thought this was America.

Paul Ryan
No, not me. The Republican Congressman. C’mon man, life is difficult enough being a guy with two first names. Every other day, someone reminds me. “Paul Ryan? You have two first names!” Thanks assbag, I wasn’t aware. I’d tell you I also have a middle name that’s a first name, but I don’t want you to piss yourself.

Vote for me, The Douche

When I was a small boy, the other children would tease me. They would often call me a crybaby. I don’t know why.

Well, actually I do know why. It was because I cried a lot. A tremendous amount, actually. Pretty much all the time. If I struck out in little league baseball – which was at least three times per game on average – I’d start crying. Sometimes a family member would eat the last piece of toast at breakfast, and I’d have to wait for my mom to make more toast, so I’d cry about that. I once cried because I didn’t receive the board game “Mouse Trap” for my birthday. Which is downright ridiculous, because that game was a confusing mess of bullshit.

I was a passionate boy. Passionate for life. Passionate for love. Passionate for Mouse Trap. I followed my heart, and sometimes my heart was too big for others.

Jesus Christ, I just re-read that. Somebody punch me in the face. In hindsight, it seems like the bullies had a pretty solid case. I was, for all purposes, a tremendous pussy as a child. I mean, bullying usually isn’t a good thing, but wasn’t I kinda asking for it? Those bullies were actually quite observant. They were probably too easy on me. I’d likely be a much better person right now if one of them had beaten the shit out of me. Instead, I’m in Los Angeles, writing this meager column of fart jokes at an Arby’s restaurant. How sad.

How to write a shitty humor column

- Make sure the entire column is just a list of bullet points. Not only is it incredibly lazy and unimaginative, but it’s also insulting to your readers, because you’re implying that they’re too stupid to read paragraphs like a normal person. Which they are; I mean, look at what they’re reading.

- Insult your readers as much as possible, making them feel depressed and listless. Berate them for having read your column at all. Like an abusive husband, repeatedly remind them that they’re not good enough to read other columnists. They’ll either grow to love and crave your abuse, like Tila Tequila, or they’ll rise up and write angry songs about you, like Tina Turner. Either way, it’s a win-win for you.

- Be sure to curse as much as goddamn fucking possible in your shitty humor column. People love that bullshit. It also produces an impressive number of angry letters from tourists, who all seem surprised that cursing has reached Duluth, as if the act of swearing were high-speed internet or full-time employment.

- Once people get numb to the cursing in your column, and the angry letters to the editor don’t flow in quite as steadily as they used to, try cursing in the actual headline of the column. That usually pisses people off.