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Archives: Sep 2012

Pet Cremation System – $19,000 (Balsam, MN)

Sigh. The time has come, reader. The time has come to sell my Pet Cremation System on Craigslist. It is gently used, like an internet girlfriend.

I was gonna keep it, but a man gets tired of being God’s maid after 10 years, cleaning up all the used up crap He leaves lying around. This gigantic metal death chamber just seems more like women’s work. Also, I’m really into Chinese Checkers now and would like to dedicate more time to that hobby.

I’m gonna warn you right now that it’s a sexy machine. I mean, yeah, at the moment it’s filled with kitten skulls, but it’s still a sexy machine. It’s a giant metal box where you burn pet corpses. How could it not be sexy? You can put almost anything in there. A cat, a dog, a monkey, a unicorn, a banana, an old man’s hat, an amputated penis you found in a field.

You could fit a kid in it. I would never suggest such a thing, and frankly, I’m quite appalled that the subject of doing such an act was even brought up, but you could totally fit a kid in there. A kid or a midget who got a bit mouthy towards you on the bus.

Letters to my father on his birthday

Dearest Dad,
Your birthday is this week! What a joy it is to behold this splendiferous occasion! I foam at the mouth with glee at the anniversary of your glorious vaginal emergence! Tell me of a wish, father. A wish you’ve had for some time that I may fulfill on this lustrous eve! Tell me! Tell me your wishes at once! I will not rest until I’ve heard your most favorite wishes!
Sincerely,
Paul

University of Minnesota-Duluth Student Activity Schedule

Fri, Sept 14 @ 3pm – Department of Chemistry & Biochemistry welcomes Neil Garg
Life Sciences Bldg

Use complex molecule synthesis as a fuel for discovery.

Fri, Sept 14 @ 9pm – The Avengers
Griggs Beach

Watch The Avengers under the stars on Griggs Beach!

Tues, Sept 18 @ 8pm – Craft night
Kirby Rafters

Supplies are free! Come make crafts and meet others who also like to make crafts. Maybe you’ll meet a slut.

Sat, Sept 22 @ 10am – Drink warm beer from a keg in some guy’s car trunk
Griggs Field

Hey, do you like soccer? No? Well neither do we, but it’s a lot of fun if you can’t see straight. Nothing beats a hangover like drinking skunky beer out of a questionable man’s car trunk. Bring your own cup. A beer cup, not a nut cup. Unless you think you need one. It’s up to you.

Tips for new students, whom I hate

Every time a new school year begins, the Reader Weekly forces me to write a column giving advice to new students. It’s getting rather embarrassing. I am 33 years old, people. The last time I saw the inside of a college classroom, the word “ass” was still bleeped on television and the only people who brought laptops into a class were chronic masturbators.

But alas, this annual column has become a tradition, so I must continue. Below you will find tips for students. Despite my age, they are still relevant tips because nothing important in life really changes. That’s why depression is as widespread as our grey-fringed skies. But I’m rambling again, as old men are apt to do. On to the tips:

– If you’re not interested in drinking, drugs or sex, you can probably complete your Bachelor’s Degree and Master’s Degree within three years.

– Don’t skip class to play Black Ops 2. It’s a waste of your tuition and education. Grand Theft Auto 5 or a new Fallout game, on the other hand, are a different story.