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Archives: Oct 2012

It’s a fine day for banning things

Listen up, gonads. This election is important, damn it. You Minnesotans not only get to help select the crappiest douchebag from our nation’s political Man Stable; you can also pass an amendment on one of the most important moral battles of our time. You get to vote on whether a small group of loving, caring and committed people have the right to eat at Arby’s restaurants.

Eating at Arby’s is an abomination, and it’s high time we put a stop to this disgusting lifestyle. Their sandwiches are gooey, their french fries defiantly choose not to be straight, and all they have for dessert are weird apple turnover thingies. God-fearing folk simply cannot tolerate this sort of “lifestyle choice”. Please vote “yes” on Tuesday’s amendment, banning Minnesotans from eating at Arby’s. Let the devious bastards take their non-grilled beef out of the public eye, where things that make me uncomfortable belong.

I know what you’re thinking. You think this doesn’t affect you, because you don’t like eating at Arby’s. That’s not surprising. Studies show that only 10 percent of the population enjoys eating at Arby’s. The very act itself is unnatural. Also, I personally don’t like it. That’s why it’s so deathly important that we make sure no one can eat at Arby’s. If we allow people to choose Arby’s, then what’s next? People marrying penguins, that’s what’s next.

Master Debate 3: The Masterdebatering

Moderator Bob: Welcome to the third and final presidential debate. Let’s start with President Obama. Mr. President, tell us your specific view on the conflict in Syria.

Obama: Governor Romney has no plan for Syria. He’s dumb. I’m smart. I want to keep our troops out of Syria while supporting them in other, more subtle ways that I will not discuss in detail.

Romney: What you just heard are the ramblings of an idiot. I couldn’t disagree more with President Obama on his Syria policy. Our policies are polar opposites. My policy is to keep our troops out of Syria and find other, more subtle ways to support them.

Obama: Well that’s a pretty shitty plan. Only an idiot would suggest a plan like that.

Romney: Shut up, dickbag. Wanna know why you had daughters instead of sons? Because you’re a coward, that’s why.

Lady Fiats, and how to win them

I’ve become that guy. That McDonald’s guy. The one who sits in the same booth every day and eats the same meal. The guy who, over time, slowly creates a groove in the shape of his buttocks into the booth where he sits. I’m that guy now. I’ve eaten lunch here every day for the past two weeks, and everyone who works here treats me like someone who’s probably going to hang himself in the near future.

Which I might if I have to keep eating this shit. They’re smart to deny me the restroom key.

So why am I eating here every day? No, I’m not doing some Super Size Me thing where I make myself vomit on camera and then my buddies and I all congratulate ourselves on the great thing we just captured. I have a much more prestigious, classy agenda behind this stupidity. There’s a very logical reason why I’ve sat here for 14 straight days, eating McDonald’s’ classic “cold burger in a warm bun” meals while being tortured by their special brand of ambiance: A fry cooker beeping for 20 minutes straight until a homeless man shouts angrily at the register girl, “Shut that shit the fuck up, dumb bitch!” The reason I’m here, dear reader, is because McDonald’s has their Monopoly game running again, and I’m trying to win a Fiat.

I accumulated $10,000 of debt, and all I got were these shitty salad tongs

American Express is giving me a set of salad tongs. It’s a gift. Isn’t that nice? I’ve earned their trust and proved myself a loyal stooge, so they’re rewarding me. Over the past decade, I’ve racked up nearly $10,000 in debt on my Amex card. Since I recently paid it off with a high interest bank loan, they’ve decided I deserve a fancy reward. Hence the salad tongs.

Normally, these salad tongs would cost at least $12, but for a mere decade of crippling debt, I got them for free. It’s a very mediocre feeling of excitement, like having sex and finding out you didn’t get herpes.

If salad tongs are not to someone’s liking, there are many other rewards to choose from. A decade of irresponsibility, combined with roughly $8,000 in finance charges give you the choice of, 1) A coin purse with a picture of a shoe on it, 2) A National Geographic strategy guide to Angry Birds Space, 3) A Hungry Hungry Hippos board game, 4) A yoga DVD that I suspect has no nudity in it whatsoever, 5) Four spoons. No forks or knives, just four spoons, 6) A framed photo of Eli Manning that, oddly, is not signed and doesn’t appear to be collectible in any way, 7) A “Holiday Hand Creme Bouquet”, which I assume is an Easter basket filled with semen.

PSA: I will not kidnap your baby or eat it

Hey Asian lady walking with your granddaughter, please stop looking back at me every few seconds with a frightened glance. Contrary to what you may have gathered from reading this column, I have no interest in stealing your grandchild and eating her. I’m a boring white guy from the suburbs. There is no logical reason to be afraid of me. Did someone tattoo a swastika on my face while I was asleep?

No, seriously. Did they? Because it’s happened before.

I’m from Minnesota, for Christ’s sake. The last time someone from Minnesota committed a heinous crime was . . . well, it was last week when some guy shot up a bunch of people in his workplace, but he shot himself afterwards, which was very polite and Minnesotan of him. Still, I blame Illinois for the whole thing. As most Minnesotans will tell you, people from Chicago are to blame for nearly every crime or wrongdoing in our state. Riff-raff, that’s what they are. Too much riff-raff passing over our borders.