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Archives: Nov 2012

Friendsterbate! It’s an app! An app that helps you Friendsterbate!

Friendsterbate! Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? Friendsterbate! That’s the name of the invention that’s going to make me an internet billionaire. How, you ask? Friendsterbate is an app I plan to invent that combines the networking tools of Friendster, America’s favorite social media site, with the joys of masturbating. Friendsterbate! We spell it with “er” instead of “ur” because we like to keep things classy.

Have you ever been riding the bus and had an attractive woman sit next to you? Well me neither, but for the sake of this example, let’s pretend public transportation isn’t just filled with homeless people who smell like ancient farts and felons who had their driver’s license taken away because they didn’t realize that running over their cousin on Labor Day still counts as a DUI.

Nobody cares about your dumb spin class

“Hey guys! Just got back from the BEST SPIN CLASS EVER with my AWESOME trainer, Julio Hoovenblag!!! OMG, so good. Such a good spin class. Love spin class. Riding exercise bikes harder than usual to Katy Perry songs – so great! So tired. PLEASE READ MY NEXT SEVEN POSTS ABOUT A NEW WORKOUT FAD WHERE I SPECIFICALLY MENTION THE TRAINER’S NAME AND LINK TO HIS TWITTER!!!!!”

“Hey guys. Just had a great spin class with Julio Hoovenblag! Really tired. So tired. I’m really tired today because I took a spin class with Julio Hoovenblag. Spin. Tired. Hoovenblag. Spin class. Penis helmet. Julio Hoovenblag.”

“Morning spin with @JulioHoovenblag at @RandomTrendyGym. I’m gonna be soooo tired. Did I mention how tired I am? If not, please note that I am soooo tired.”

Soon I will have a protege

My brother and his wife have been banging. They have been sexing with one another. I have come to this conclusion based on the following evidence: 1) She recently became pregnant, and 2) the mailman who comes to their house is ugly. I believe these two pieces of strong evidence are proof that I am soon going to have a legit niece or nephew. So naturally, I’ve already begun scheming.

Yes, despite the universe’s best interests, a new era of Ryans will soon emerge. Many of my readers were hoping my family’s DNA would die out. Well, tough luck. A new Ryan will be born next year, and though it is not my kid, I still plan to teach it to be just like me. Exactly like me.

I’ve been putting together a solid plan for about a month now, so today I’d like to announce my Baby 1.0 agenda. This is the brainwashing I’ll be implementing in the baby’s first four years. Baby 2.0, age 5-9, will follow with teachings of the greatness of Rowan Atkinson and why the band Pavement is better than hip hop music. I will also provide numerous viewings of movies where a normal person snaps and enacts bloody vengeance.

Everything is great now, just like they promised!

The election is over, and a magical thing happened. My life has suddenly become better, just like the president promised. On Monday, I was getting harassed by robocalls. I was bombarded with annoying Facebook posts linking to far-left and far-right blogs spinning nonsense. My mailbox was filled with flyers sporting pictures of middle-aged men and women who weren’t even close to being attractive enough to stare at while masturbating.

Every TV show, news story, commercial and radio program kept regurgitating the same footage of wealthy candidates who haven’t held a real job in decades telling me how challenging their life has been. Telling me boring stories about boring people they met in Ohio who “inspired them”. I don’t give a crap about some dip from Cleveland. You know who lives in Cleveland? Dumb assholes. But today I can go back to ignoring boring Ohio, and that makes my life infinitely better.