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Archives: Dec 2012

My New Year’s resolutions

– I will only spend 90 percent of my paychecks on useless Ebay garbage, instead of my usual 125 percent.

– I will find myself a nice lady to settle down with. Not because I want companionship, but because my doctor says if I continue playing Call of Duty 17 hours per day, I will eventually become a cripple.

– I will stop using the purses of my female co-workers as my personal toilet.

– I will move out of the cockroach-infested flophouse I live in and move into a slightly nicer cockroach-infested flophouse.

– I will stop unofficially dedicating government buildings to celebrities I like. This is not really a personal resolution so much as a court-ordered mandate. They’ve apparently had a lot of difficulty removing the Bobcat Goldthwait plaque I cemented to the Holocaust Museum.

Things that displease me in children’s Christmas specials

A Charlie Brown Christmas
Jesus! No, I’m not being blasphemous. I’m using the phrase in a literal sense. There’s a whole lotta Jesus in this cartoon. Everything starts out fine, with the whole neighborhood taking a piss on Charlie Brown like usual, and then for no reason, right in the middle of the show, Linus halts all that fun to give a lengthy lecture about Jesus. Am I the only one who fast forwards through this part? Can’t I just drink six beers and masturbate to Peppermint Patty’s flip flops like a normal person?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Why doesn’t the Grinch wear pants? No wonder everyone in Whoville was so up in arms. There was a devious, pantsless bastard sneaking into their homes with his wiener poking out from under his shirt.

I always thought this cartoon would have been much more interesting if in the end it was revealed that the “roast beast” the Whos ate as their Christmas meal was the Grinch’s brother, and it turned out the Whos hunt grinches for sport and the main antagonist was actually a hero fighting for revenge. And then after luring him into the big feast with the promise of friendship, the Whos stab the Grinch to death with their tiny knives and Little Cindy Lou eats one of his eyeballs while staring into the camera eerily. Maybe they did that in the Jim Carrey version? Can anyone confirm?

Jim Nabors has a penis in his mouth

The following is an actual conversation I witnessed while riding the bus to the shopping mall last weekend. It’s not related to Christmas in any way, and is quite possibly the least Christmassy thing ever printed, but Jim Nabors isn’t returning any of my text messages or letters threatening his family, so this will have to do.

Frankly, I don’t know why Jim Nabors won’t write a guest column for me. Perhaps it’s the 20,000 word minimum I required, or the fact that the gig is unpaid and rather beneath him, or maybe he was scared off because I told him I’d be inserting various curse words and sexual braggadocio into his writing to “put my stamp on it.” Regardless of the reason, I think it’s safe to say that Jim Nabors is a dick.

Anyway, what follows is an exact transcript of an alcoholic teenager courting and then nearly vomiting all over a young redhead on a smelly bus. Witnessing this was the high point of my weekend, so I wanted to share. Enjoy.

Things Christ shall compel you to buy me for Christmas

– A large, delicious sandwich I can eat whilst sitting on the toilet. Did using the word “whilst” make it sound more upscale and classy? No? Well that doesn’t mean I don’t still want it.

– A pelican. Why? Because you don’t have one. That’s why.

– Peace and love on Earth, and goodwill towards all. Except my college history professor, whom I would like someone to force feed a bag of dicks.

– Legislation banning weekly football games from having theme songs. You’ve had many chances, NFL. Your mild success with Hank Williams Jr. 21 years ago was a fluke.

– Cheap gift idea – a plastic bag! I’ve always wanted to try auto-erotic asphyxiation, but I’ve never been able to find a plastic bag large enough to fit my enormous head.