– I will only spend 90 percent of my paychecks on useless Ebay garbage, instead of my usual 125 percent.
– I will find myself a nice lady to settle down with. Not because I want companionship, but because my doctor says if I continue playing Call of Duty 17 hours per day, I will eventually become a cripple.
– I will stop using the purses of my female co-workers as my personal toilet.
– I will move out of the cockroach-infested flophouse I live in and move into a slightly nicer cockroach-infested flophouse.
– I will stop unofficially dedicating government buildings to celebrities I like. This is not really a personal resolution so much as a court-ordered mandate. They’ve apparently had a lot of difficulty removing the Bobcat Goldthwait plaque I cemented to the Holocaust Museum.
– I will stop shouting “Lots of pickles, hold the mayo!” at homeless people I see urinating into soda bottles at the bus station. It didn’t really make much sense anyway.
– I will stop jokingly telling everyone to go fuck themselves, and start earnestly telling them to go fuck themselves.
– I will become a better person. Assuming, of course, that doing so doesn’t require me to work harder, give a crap, or change my life in any noticeable way.
– I will offer each attractive woman at my workplace a cherry Icee from 7-11. The first one to accept it will be my soulmate. Or fat. It’s entirely possible that the first girl who says yes will be really fat.
– I wouldn’t mind starting a James Bond/Miss Moneypenny type thing with various women at work, where I’m very charming and flirty, and I toss my hat and it lands right on the hat rack. Then I light a cigarette and and say, “Y’know, I’d take you to dinner, but “M” would have me court martialed for . . . illegal use of company property.” And then she’d say something forgettable and vapid and I’d fly across the world and bang some other chick, and when I returned she’d ask me about it, barely able to hide her grief.
– I will buy a dog. It will be from a shelter, because those are the dogs that need the most love. It’s the same reason I only sleep with hookers who have kids.
– When I buy a dog, I will name it “dog”, because I’m a low maintenance sort of guy.
– I was going to promise to give money to charity, but I’ve got way too much useless crap to buy. Look, the vending machines at Kmart have little football helmets in them!
– I will smile at one person each day who is ugly, instead of covering my nose and making gagging sounds, like I do now.
– I will eat fewer fruits and vegetables, and more Flintstones chewable vitamins.
– I will end my 33-year thesis on whether masturbating three times a day makes you go blind. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. It just makes you very sore.
– The Itasca County Sheriff has made me promise not to enter Itasca County in 2013. So I guess I’ll add that to the list.
– I will stop drawing penises on the Microsoft Paint program in the Sheridan Hills Elementary School library, even though I believe my artwork was well received.
– I will become the owner of the Minnesota Vikings, so I can replace Christian Ponder with a mannequin from JCPenney. They both serve the same purpose, and the mannequin costs $836,000 less.
– I will lift up a manhole cover. I’ve always wanted to lift up a manhole cover, to show my immense strength and then be swarmed by hot ladies who are impressed by my feat. I will have to find a very small one, because outside of my own mind I am actually very weak, as well as a giant pussy.
Did you see that last resolution about manhole covers? That was awesome! It was so rad that I’m going to list it twice. Manhole covers, ladies! Manhole covers! I saw a city maintenance worker save ducks from a sewer once that way! Manhole covers! Lift ‘em!
– I will try not to use the word “asswipes” so much when my parents call and ask how work is going.
– I will stop writing lazy columns made up of bullet points just so I can get high and watch reruns of 30 Rock that I have already completely memorized.