It’s been nearly seven years since I’ve updated my column photo. I’ve been asked many times to update it, both by the newspaper staff and my readers. These people have a range of theories as to why I haven’t updated my photo. Some assume I’m now grossly obese. Others suspect I lost an eye while fighting a hobo for a discarded sandwich. A few people believe I’m wanted by police for a series of bestiality charges.
Well, all of those theories are wrong except the last one.
I actually look about the same as my current column photo. The low cost of plastic surgery in Mexico, combined with the fact that you can buy botox in large barrels on Amazon, has helped me remain unreasonably handsome. Combine those advantages with the fact that I hate going outside and never leave my apartment, and you’ve got a modern day fountain of youth.
Yet I still feel it’s time for a change. My current column photo looks like I’m wearing a moderately expensive toupee. My facial expression is very sad, like a circus clown who just stepped on a baby. My eyebrows are raised slightly, as if to suggest that someone behind me is inserting their thumb into my anus. I’m tired of looking like a horse with a carrot in his butt. It’s time for a new column photo.
That’s where you come in, faithful reader with too much time on their hands. I have taken a series of disappointing photos of myself and arranged them on this page. Your job is to choose which one you like best. Perhaps it’s the sexy one (Editor’s note: This photo does not exist). Perhaps it’s the one where I look very masculine (Editor’s note: This photo does not exist). Perhaps it’s the one I sent Jennifer Lawrence, the handsomeness of which caused her to fall down the steps while accepting her Oscar (Editor’s note: I can’t prove this isn’t true, but she did take out a restraining order).
Once you’ve selected your favorite column photo, head to http://tinyurl.com/columnistpaul to vote. It’s best to do this from a public computer in a crowded area where everyone can see your screen, like in the main computer lab of your university.
Once the votes are tallied and the new photo is chosen, it will remain my column photo for the rest of eternity. I will never change it again, because I’m 33 years old and I will likely only get uglier from this point on in life. Vote today!