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Archives: Apr 2013

How to move a couch in 34 easy steps

Step 1: Buy an unreasonably large couch. Make sure each of its dimensions are at least 7” longer than the width of your apartment door.

Step 2: Lug the couch up to the fourth floor of your building, cracking a few of your vertebrae in the process. If you don’t hurt yourself, you’re doing it wrong and should probably start over.

Step 3: Once you get to your floor, think of how fun it would be to push the couch down the stairs while riding on top of it. It would be really fun, wouldn’t it? Try it out, then repeat step 2.

Step 4: Use super glue to repair all four legs of the couch, which broke when you crash landed into the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

Nature sucks! Boycott Earth Day!

What’s with all this Earth Day shit? You can’t celebrate Earth Day when the planet’s already ruined. It snows in the springtime now, damn it. This place is screwed, and I blame you, reader. You left the kitchen light on too long, or forgot to compost your own poop in your backyard, or high-fived someone too hard or something. Shit’s all messed up.

I don’t know what you did, but nature sucks balls now. I hope you’re happy, because I’m not buying you a new planet or celebrating your failures with a pretend holiday. If Earth Day celebrations involved more liquor, I’d consider celebrating your failures. Hell, I celebrate mine every year on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s great! But Earth Day? There would have to be some blue ribbon ladies there.

Hold up, reader. I’m hearing reports that an employee at the zoo french kissed a penguin. That shit has consequences, so you might be off the hook. I need to investigate. If I could ask everyone to please stay perfectly motionless for the next few weeks, it will help me rule out other possibilities and see if tonguing a penguin causes snow in April.

A list of conspiracy theories I believe

I believe deodorant companies have slowly weakened their product over the past few years so everyone will pay twice as much for their new “prescription strength” versions.

I believe Chuck Taylor All-Stars are purposely designed to be uncomfortable so only cool young people can wear them.

I don’t believe Michael Ian Black drinks Sierra Mist. A fourth kind of watered down ginger ale? C’mon Michael, you’re not fooling anyone.

I believe that all birds are jerks, and most of them are bigots.

When I ask employees at Carl’s Jr if they’re aware that their restaurants are called Hardee’s in the Midwest, and they tell me that they know, I believe they’re lying and just don’t want to continue an obviously boring conversation with me.

Dun dun DON DON, dun dun DON DON DON

Good morning, Agent Ryan. We have a situation in Koreatown. You’ve just found the perfect apartment, and the approval of your application will commence in 48 hours, at which time you’ll be required to pay a hefty deposit. But last night, $300 was automatically charged to your bank account by your health provider. You forgot that you set up those damn automatic payments.

You’re now $300 short of the amount you’ll need to pay the deposit on your new apartment. You can’t sell stuff online, because Paypal takes 3-5 days to deposit money into your account, and the apartment will be rented by someone else by then. You can’t ask your friends for a loan, because nobody you’ve ever met in person particularly likes you. You can’t beg your parents for a loan because they live in Minnesota, and a check from them would take 2-4 days to arrive by mail.

Also, we’re pretty sure your parents don’t like you, either. You’re 33 years old, unmarried, and have a large collection of toy figurines. It’s clear that they merely tolerate you.