Xbox One: Hey asshole, buy me!
Paul: Excuse me?
Xbox One: I’m a video game console. I’m friggin’ great! Buy me, shitbag!
Paul: Why do you keep insulting me?
Xbox One: Because you’re my bitch, and you’re going to buy me no matter how badly I treat you. Aren’t you, bitch?
PS4: No, buy me instead! I’m a PS3!
Paul: Aren’t you the PS4? I thought Sony’s new console was the PS4.
PS4: Oops, sorry. I meant to say PS4. I get the two of us mixed up sometimes. We’re quite similar. We both have bloated, poorly designed software. We both have a slow network with lots of downtime for maintenance. We have the same long wait for add-on content while Microsoft’s exclusivity periods expire. But fortunately, those things aren’t important to you!
Paul: They’re actually really important to me.
PS4: No they’re not.
Paul: Yes, they are. I had to wait a goddamn year to play the expansion packs for Fallout 3. So Sony has basically learned nothing in the past seven years?
PS4: We’re including a headset with every console now! And the controller has a touchpad. A touchpad!
Paul: What would I need the touchpad for?
PS4: We haven’t decided yet. We just thought it seemed futuristic.
Xbox One: You want futuristic, asswipe? You can turn me on and control me with your goddamn voice! I’ll recognize that it’s you and automatically log you in! Fucking idiot, just buy me already.
Paul: My voice turns on the console? So the microphone is always listening? Isn’t that kind of a privacy concern? I mean, theoretically, couldn’t someone hack the machine and be able to see and hear everything in my living room, 24 hours per day?
Xbox One: Shut up, sissy. No one wants to spy on you. You’re boring. Just buy me already.
PS4: Xbox One’s games will be region locked, too. And they’re also locked to your account, so selling them to someone else requires you to pay Microsoft a “transfer fee”.
Xbox One: Who gives a shit? He’s gonna buy me anyway. He’ll buy anything that’s hip and cool.
Paul: Actually, I like playing Japanese games that aren’t available in the US. And why the hell should I give Microsoft a cut every time I sell a game? I own it! Have you ever heard of the first sale doctrine?
Xbox One: You don’t own shit. We don’t sell games anymore. We sell you a license to play a game. Idiot.
Paul: Screw that. You don’t restrict used game sales, do you PS4?
PS4: I don’t know! I’m a PS3! We don’t do anything unless Xbox does it first!
Paul: Jesus Christ.
Wii U: If you’re through being swindled by these crooks, I’d suggest you purchase me, the Wii U.
Paul: Wii U? Are you some type of urinal cake or something?
Wii U: I’m a video game console! I’ve been available for purchase for six months!
Paul: Aren’t you just something that moms play with their babies?
Wii U: No! I’m a real console! I have a real controller now! I have HD graphics!
Paul: Can I play Call of Duty on you?
Wii U: Um, no. Sorry.
Paul: Then go away.
Wii U: Okay.
Xbox One: Look, I don’t know why you’re messing around. You’re going to buy me. Skype is built into my operating system. Everything syncs to the cloud in the background, so you never have to do anything. My hard drive is 500GB! You’re my slut, and you’re going to buy me even if you hate me.
Paul: How much of that 500GB is taken up by the operating system?
Xbox One: Um . . . a significant amount.
Paul: And with this cloud crap, aren’t you required to always be online, like that SimCity fiasco? So if the servers are down, or years from now if Microsoft stops supporting the system and shuts down the servers for good, you’ll become a useless pile of garbage that does nothing?
PS4: I’ll always work, Paul. And I have a share button! You can let other people watch your game footage, live or recorded!
Paul: Shut up, PS4. Nobody wants to watch someone else play video games. Your new button’s a waste of goddamn time.
PS4: So which one of us are you going to buy?
Xbox One: Yeah, you have to buy one of us!
Paul: I really don’t. I’m quite happy with my current console. It has Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, MLB.TV, NFL Sunday Ticket, movies, music and games that still only cost $60 instead of $70. And aside from online multiplayer, the games will keep working forever. So I’m going to take my new console money and buy a hooker, and suggest that everyone else do the same.
Xbox One: You’ll be back.
Paul: Not until you pull your head out of your ass, idiot.