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Archives: May 2013

You’re dumb! Buy me, idiot!

Xbox One: Hey asshole, buy me!

Paul: Excuse me?

Xbox One: I’m a video game console. I’m friggin’ great! Buy me, shitbag!

Paul: Why do you keep insulting me?

Xbox One: Because you’re my bitch, and you’re going to buy me no matter how badly I treat you. Aren’t you, bitch?

PS4: No, buy me instead! I’m a PS3!

Paul: Aren’t you the PS4? I thought Sony’s new console was the PS4.

PS4: Oops, sorry. I meant to say PS4. I get the two of us mixed up sometimes. We’re quite similar. We both have bloated, poorly designed software. We both have a slow network with lots of downtime for maintenance. We have the same long wait for add-on content while Microsoft’s exclusivity periods expire. But fortunately, those things aren’t important to you!

I’m on the verge of crapping up movies

When I was 20 years old, my friends and I went to the local multiplex to see “American Pie”. We wanted to see boobs and jokes about splooging on people, and what we received did not disappoint. That movie, and most comedies that have followed since, are childish, crude and filled with jokes about semen. Critics have been claiming for years that these raunchier films represent the true fall of cinema.

“If movies get any more lowbrow than this, they’ll just be porn,” the critics said. “This is the lowest that comedies can fall. Semen jokes, penises in pies, people banging each other’s moms. We have now reached a unique moment in cinematic history where films cannot get any worse.”

Here I sit, 14 years later, on the verge of proving them wrong. Movies can’t get worse? I can make them worse. I can make them so much worse. I’m on the verge of a new breakthrough formula for comedy films that will become the next level of decay for a once respected art form.

Forty chicken nuggets

McD’s Worker: Hello, and welcome to McDonald’s! Can I interest you in 40 chicken nuggets for $8.99?

Paul: Good lord, no. Why would I want that? I’m by myself.

McD’s Worker: Sorry, they’ll fire me if I don’t offer the poorest possible health choices to every customer.

Paul: I’ll just get a cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: A double quarter pounder with cheese and super size fries?

Paul: No, just a regular cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: We don’t have small anymore. Small is now “children’s size”.

Paul: I’m pretty sure the children’s size is the recommended amount for a grown adult. You know you’re not supposed to eat a pound of potatoes in one serving, right?

McD’s Worker: At least we still hide the ketchup from everyone. That’s unintentionally healthy.

Thank your mom for not being a complete tool

Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and it’s important that we all stop and recognize our mothers for making sure we didn’t grow up to be jerkoffs. It’s a difficult challenge that requires years of careful molding and guidance, as well as numerous severe beatings. If a mother misses even a single step of the process, their child will end up being a total waste of time. Her only choice then will be to smother them with a pillow and start all over.

The proof is in the pudding, my friends. I’m sitting next to a complete waste of time right now. I’m on the bus, and the guy next to me seems to be riding only because it provides him a captive audience so he can preach about Jesus. If his mother had beat him more often, or less often, or the same amount but also taught him what the word “douchebag” means, we could have avoided this awful incident in which I had to smother him to death myself on the floor of the bus.

Don’t get me wrong; I like Jesus. He’s a philanthropist, he has a fantastic beard, and he’s agreed to wait until after I’m dead to imprison me in a fiery pit of hell. He’s a heck of a nice guy, so I can understand why people would want to spread the word about him. However, this guy on the bus smells like a dog’s butt, and appears to have confused gay people with zombies. Gays are contagious? How many buckets of cocaine does a mother have to ingest during pregnancy to produce a kid dumb enough to confuse gay people with sneezes? Gays aren’t contagious, they’re just trending really hard right now.

A beginner’s guide to offending people

Offending people seems so easy. Shout a curse word in a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. Replace the lyrics in a popular song with a series of racial slurs. Remove your pants during Sunday mass. In theory, all it takes to be offensive is a lot of guts or a little bit of alcohol. Yet it’s still an art that few can master.

I’ve been writing this detestable column for nearly 11 years, and I can’t count the number of people I’ve offended. I’ve gleefully responded to so many angry letters to the editor that almost every easily offended person in this region has completely given up on writing them. The only angry letters I get these days are from summertime tourists, and even those are few and far between.

The reason I’m given a free pass isn’t because I’ve toned down the content over the years or provided something of value along with the filth. Quite the opposite. I take great care to make sure my writing contains no discernible value, and I post curse words like “shit” and “fuck” more than ever these days. My columns also provide a horrific amount of graphic sexual descriptions. Have you ever seen an elderly woman with three penises in her mouth? You have now, because I just made you imagine that scene in your head. Her skin is so wrinkly!