Bob: Here we are, Jim, back again at the Tall Ships festival in Duluth, MN. Every citizen under the age of 5 or older than 75 with a huge boner for slow-moving objects is here and ready to stare at ships that are slightly taller than usual.
Jim: If I understand correctly, Bob, it’s such a boring event that they actually just call it “Tall Ships”.
Bob: Yes, there’s really no use getting fancy with the name. It is literally just ships that are tall. Many of them are also very wooden, though the festival name makes no mention of that.
Jim: The organizers of the festival have perhaps gotten a bit cocky?
Bob: Yes, it’s once again just a big circle jerk for the slightly taller ships, and a big middle finger to the slightly more wooden ones. It doesn’t matter though, because as usual for the Twin Ports, this event is mainly just an excuse for people to get drunk.
Jim: Do the ships fight each other, Bob? Is there bloodshed, pillaging, and kidnappings of the city’s prized teenage girls?
Bob: No, but the boats do float by slowly so elderly people can point at them and tell long-winded, tedious stories about the past.
Jim: Well, that’s certainly something. With the turnout we have here today, I’d assume the ships are filled with something majestic and otherworldly, like imported beer or Taiwanese prostitutes. Perhaps some sweet, sweet cocaine as well?
Bob: No siree, Jim. These ships carry something much more precious: thousands upon thousands of hand-carved wooden penises made for decoration and enjoyment. Every ship, dozens of them over the four-day festival, are filled to the brim with resplendent wooden penises brought in specifically for those lonesome ladies of the Iron Range.
Jim: It does get lonely while the men are away in the mines, Bob.
Bob: Indeed. My wife owns seven wooden penises. She likes to collect all the different colors, though I suspect the colors are just a corporate ploy to get people to buy more penises.
Jim: I wouldn’t know, Bob. My wife only likes the black ones.
Bob: Well, it looks like those pretty, pretty penises will be in our hands soon, Jim. The last tall ship has unloaded their cargo and departed, and . . . what’s this? It seems a large crowd is now forming to watch Glen get coffee! Oh, what a treat!
Jim: The people of the Twin Ports have been waiting eagerly for this one! Much like watching paint dry, reading a novel written by a celebrity or watching boats slowly float past you, watching a random person named Glen walk down the street to get coffee is dull, tedious and includes no discernible payoff, but Glen only gets coffee every so often, so it’s important to watch this while we can.
Bob: How often does Glen get coffee, Jim?
Jim: Nine or ten times a week, Bob. But the harbor has tons of huge cargo ships that come through every week as well, so it’s fitting that this crowd would also enjoy watching Glen get coffee.
Bob: Glen has received his coffee and is heading back to work. There’s a lot of gawking and picture taking going on, and . . . oh my goodness! Look at this, Jim! It looks like the crowd is rushing back to the harbor. Oh my word, this is a special occasion! There’s a dog near the pier licking its own balls, Bob! This is a rare treat!
Bob: It truly is, Jim. Granted, dogs lick their own balls pretty much 24 hours per day, but the fine people of Duluth just love gathering together to drink and watch boring things that happen all the time.
Jim: I wouldn’t call it boring, Bob! That dog is really getting a mouthful! The crowd has set up kegs of Busch Light around the dog, officially marking this occasion as a reason to drink heavily and act like a twat. What a special day, getting wasted and watching this commonplace dog attend to his commonplace gonads! The fine people of Duluth are truly a nutty group of funsters, aren’t they?
Bob: I appreciate the pun, Jim. Hold up! What’s this? Yes! It appears that everyone is now gathering around a man who is breathing air. He’s taking in oxygen like a perfectly normal person, and the crowd just loves it! They’re just staring directly at him as he breathes.
Jim: Excuse me, sir! Yes, you there, breathing oxygen like a person! May we drink copious amounts of alcohol while watching you breathe air?
Bob: Don’t look now, Jim, but this man over here is also breathing air!
Jim: So are you, Bob!
Bob: Hot shitpies! So are you, Jim! We’re all breathing air! It’s so commonplace and boring! I just can’t stand it! Ahhhhhh!
Jim: This once peaceful gathering is turning into a violent riot. The people of Duluth can’t handle the excitement! The crowd – completely overwhelmed with amazement for the most common things, like a boat that is taller than a usual boat – are beating each other to death with shovels!
Bob: Oh lord, Jim! It’s turned into a massacre! People are leaping off the Blatnik Bridge like lemmings! It’s just too much excitement! The goddamn ships are taller and decidedly more wooden than other ships!
Jim hits Bob in the head with a shovel, then bashes his skull into a bloody pulp.
Jim: Gaaaaahhhhh! The ships are tall and wooden! Much more so than before! They’re so damned tall! Everyone but me must die!