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Archives: Aug 2013

Reviews of Miley Cyrus’ Video Music Awards performance

“Touch your groin once and you’re sexy. Touch your groin twice and you’re a pop star. Touch your groin 12 times and it looks like you have crabs.”
-Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

“The twerking was slow, calculated and far too predictable. One’s ass should look like it’s about to fall off the rails, not like it’s taking the slow train to Don’tgiveafucksville.”
-Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“When I review a piece, I’m looking for what the artist is trying to say, and what the work reveals about society and the timeless conditions of being alive. The dancing bears represent the innocence of childhood, while the shedding of her bear outfit for a skin-colored bikini signified abandoning that innocence for the promiscuous world of adulthood. Robin Thicke, of course, was dressed like an NFL referee, representing us common folk, the rulemakers. The foam finger, which crumbled away piece by piece as she jammed it into Thicke’s anus, represented the decaying world of popular music and how she plans to punish us with it. A tear ran down my cheek as she twerked, because it meant she plans to tantalize us as she sodomizes our ears with her songs, which is the true essence of pop music. Simply brilliant.”
Jerry Saltz, New York Magazine

“Too much, Miley. Too much.”
-Sasha Grey, porn star known as the “Queen of Anal”

Jim Carlson’s underwear gets the star treatment

If you were thinking of buying a designer handbag made from the old Metrodome roof, there might be something even more collectible coming soon. Jim Carlson, owner of The Last Place on Earth in Duluth, MN, has been hurting for cash since authorities shut down his store for selling bath salts and other synthetic drugs. Always the entrepreneur, Carlson is looking for unique ways to pay his court costs.

“I have worn this pair of underwear every day for the past four years,” said Carlson, leaning slightly to the left to adjust himself. “They’re nostalgic americana and they’re for sale. With all this controversy and my name in the papers, surely someone will pay big bucks for these sweet babies. There are little bits of me inside them. I’ve made sure of that.”

Carlson’s “tighty whitey” underwear, purchased at a Kmart in 2004, have never been washed. They became his “daily driver” underpants in 2009. The hardened, crusted material could be useful for a variety of functions, but Carlson suggests making them into ski masks people can wear over their face. Regardless of what potential buyers want to use them for, he promises they’re high quality.

Nation finally okay again after pretty blonde girl is rescued

Hannah Anderson, a pretty blonde girl who was kidnapped by a close family friend, was found alive this morning after a week-long manhunt. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other news organizations all worked collectively to mop up each other’s drool at the press conference.

“Ohhhh yeah, she’s alive, she’s safe. Mmmm yeah, that’s what viewers want,” said Craig Dingles, Senior Producer at MSNBC. “Ohhh yeah, the ratings are gonna be so good. So damn good. Mmmm, yeah. Her brother and mom are dead? Who cares? She’s alive, so it’s still a happy ending. Ohhh yes.”

Dingles then pulled a small towel out of his desk drawer and groaned loudly while ejaculating into it.

As soon as police heard that a young blonde girl had been kidnapped, they sounded a five-state alarm, alerting every law enforcement agency within those states. They then sent an Amber Alert text message to the cellphones of all 53 million human beings who live in those states, providing a description of the vehicle and the perpetrator’s license plate number. People were alerted to the message by a long, screeching notification noise, whether they wanted it or not.

Coming this fall from Marvel

Smelly Gee: I’m Smelly Gee. I can smell crime.

Moderator: That sounds very useful!

Smelly Gee: I can’t stop crime, but I can smell it as it’s happening. I’m here looking for other superheroes who can stop crime so I won’t get the crap beat out of me every day.

Moderator: That’s wonderful, Smelly. Who’s next?

Bomberella: I’m Bomberella. Anything I put in my mouth becomes an explosive.

Mr. Vanilla: Worst girlfriend ever.