Warning!!! Do not read this book straight through from beginning to end! These pages contain many different adventures you can go on in a miserable workplace filled with people who wish they were somewhere else and couldn’t give two shits about doing their job correctly. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!
Welcome to your new job! Like most Americans, you will spend all day stapling pieces of paper that you don’t care about or understand. The American dream is at your fingertips! Money! Moderately attractive co-workers! As many free office supplies as you can cram into your pants!
It’s fifteen minutes into your first day of work, and the initial shock of getting paid like a real human being has worn off. You’re faced with the cold reality that this job totally blows. Since you’re already tired of stapling things and bored as all hell, maybe this would be a good time to check your Facebook page and see if anyone liked that boring photo you took of your dinner last night?
→ If you decide to check Facebook, turn to page 43
→ If you decide to keep working, turn to page 27
Some of your flaccid, braindead co-workers saw the latest episode of The Voice and would like to discuss it with you at length. But if you excuse yourself to the restroom, you could sit on the toilet with your pants up and surf the internet on your cellphone.
→ If you decide to gossip about shitty reality shows, turn to page 33
→ If you decide to sneak to the toilet, turn to page 78
→ If you decide to keep working, turn to page 4,038
Oh lordy, the boredom of this conversation is unyielding. You don’t even know which singing show The Voice is, but it sounds like a lot of Christina Aguilera with her shirt on, which is of no interest to anyone. There’s a razor blade on your desk. Sweet escape entrances you like a warm blanket.
→ If you decide to cut yourself, turn to page 69
→ If you decide to go back to working, turn to page 4,038
You check your Facebook account. As you dig through your ex-girlfriend’s profile searching for those bikini photos she posted a few years back, you notice that your buttocks are feeling very numb. The numbness quickly turns to intense pain. You remove your pants in a panic to find that a baby pterodactyl has hatched inside your butt and is slowly making its way out. Sadly, the loss of blood proves fatal. The pterodactyl eats your corpse, using the nutrients to help it become bigger and stronger, just as nature intended.
As you jerk off voraciously to the truck stop bathroom symphony your co-worker is conducting, you hear a soft growl beneath you. Looking between your legs, you see a baby pterodactyl staring back at you. It growls louder and attacks, pulling you into the toilet and devouring you, ass-first, just as nature intended.
Mmm. Pain feels so exhilarating, and the color red is so pretty. And it’s like getting a tattoo for free! Cutting is totally rad. You carve a butterfly onto your ankle, and consider whether to wash up.
→ If you decide to wash up, turn to page 78
→ If you decide to continue working, turn to page 4,038
You enter the restroom and sit in a stall. You check your Instagram, and immediately notice that someone is in the stall next to you laying some mean bricks. The loud diarrhea noises and intense smell of soiled farts overwhelms you.
→ If you decide to go back to your desk, turn to page 4,038
→ If you decide to masturbate, turn to page 47
Nothing can distract you, the greatest employee in the world! You’re stapling all sorts of shit! Probably way more than the last person who worked here! You look at the clock and notice it’s almost lunchtime. Maybe this job isn’t so bad after all?
Whoops, looks like you’re out of staples. That’ll happen when you staple shit for a living. You walk to the supply closet at the end of the hall and enter. Digging through some boxes, you find a box of extra staples. As you give yourself a super gay high-five, you hear the closet door close behind you. Turning around, you find yourself face-to-face with a baby pterodactyl licking its lips. You swear his growl almost sounds like he’s saying “penis sandwich” over and over again. He devours you groin-first, leaving the rest of your corpse as bait to draw more unsuspecting co-workers into his trap.