Employee: Welcome to Target! Happy Easter!
Employee: Happy Easter! We’re having a sale on egg coloring kits!
Customer: Easter? It’s October. I’m here to buy Halloween candy.
Employee: Halloween? What are you, an idiot? Halloween is this week. We cleared out all our Halloween candy months ago.
Customer: I’ll probably regret asking this, but when did you stop selling Halloween candy?
Customer: Wouldn’t it be stale by October?
Employee: Look at my nametag. Does it say “Willy Wonka”? I don’t make the candy, I just sell it.
Customer: Do you? Because it’s the day before Halloween and you don’t have any.
Employee: Limited edition. Sold out. You should’ve stopped by in January.
Customer: Or March, apparently.
Employee: No, March is for suckers. We triple the price in February, since that’s when everyone’s desperate for last minute Halloween candy.
Another Target employee walks by with a Christmas tree. He lights it on fire and throws it into a waste bin.
Customer: Did he throw away that Christmas tree? You know you could probably sell that to someone over the next few months.
Employee: Christmas is done. It’s October, dumbass. Ever heard of a calendar? January through March is Halloween season. April is Thanksgiving season. May through September is the Christmas season. In October, we light all the Christmas trees on fire and toss them in a dumpster.
Customer: Is there a reason you light them on fire?
Employee: Because it’s fun.
Customer: It does look fun.
Employee: Are you going to buy something? If not, I’m authorized to use this taser on you.
Customer: Do you have any Easter stuff showing Jesus on the cross? That’s kinda Halloweenish.
Employee: We did, but now it’s gone. Easter season only lasts a few days. It just ended five minutes ago.
Customer: What season is it now?
Employee: Cinco de Mayo.
Customer: I could definitely use a drink, so I guess that works.
Employee: Sorry, we don’t sell booze.
Customer: Then what do you sell for Cinco de Mayo?
Employee: Paper plates with the number five on them.
Customer: That does sound nice. How much are they?
Employee: Forty bucks. They were cheaper when we started this conversation. You waited too long.
Customer: Do you sell guns?
Employee: No, that’s Walmart.
Customer: Maybe I can pick up some Halloween candy there before I come back and shoot you in the face.
Employee: Bitch, please. Walmart is even further ahead than us. They’re selling Christmas 2016 stuff right now.
Customer: So it’s almost come around full circle? They’re so far ahead that I can almost buy holiday supplies on time?
Employee: Yeah, but it’s preorders. You can buy it now, but you can’t pick it up until 2016.
Customer: What about Kmart? Their stores are perpetually stuck in 1983. Can I get candy from them?
Employee: No, I think they’re selling Martin Luther King Jr. stuff right now.
Old Woman: Hello, young man. Do you have any flags leftover from the Fourth of July? My recently deceased husband was in the Navy and we need a flag for his coffin. Oh, how I miss him and his . . .
The employee tasers the old woman until she collapses on the floor.
Customer: I think I’m gonna go.
Employee: Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Thanks for shopping with us!