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Archives: Oct 2013

It’s time to celebrate Easter

Employee: Welcome to Target! Happy Easter!

Customer: What?

Employee: Happy Easter! We’re having a sale on egg coloring kits!

Customer: Easter? It’s October. I’m here to buy Halloween candy.

Employee: Halloween? What are you, an idiot? Halloween is this week. We cleared out all our Halloween candy months ago.

Customer: I’ll probably regret asking this, but when did you stop selling Halloween candy?

Employee: March.

Hey there, plain-looking ladies with low standards

Y’know, I’m getting older. Perhaps it’s time I found a woman to settle down with and start a sensible life. A woman with wide hips, so we can have seven or ten children without her pelvis cracking. A woman who’s nice to children, donates 10 percent of her income to charity, volunteers her time to repair the social failings of society, and all that other tedious garbage I wouldn’t be caught dead doing myself, even if you paid me twice my usual salary.

Or perhaps I think marriage is dumb and would just like to get laid more often. Let’s not dwell on which of these two possibilities is most likely. Regardless of my motivations, it’s important we do this “girlfriend” thing right. Most of my relationships have lasted less than a month for a number of reasons, so I’ve created this questionnaire to warn potential lady victims of what they’re in for when they commit to hogging on my bone regularly.

1) See how I used the classical term “hogging on my bone”? That’s just awful, isn’t it? Well putting up with crap like that is the first test, and it’s non-negotiable. I will be a douche well into eternity. Extra credit: Tell me what you think “hogging on my bone” means. Show your work, including any long division or other mathematical equations that led to your answer.

Vikings win again, move closer to top prize

The Minnesota Vikings tasted victory again Sunday, losing their fourth game of the season and inching closer to the first pick of the NFL draft. After suffering a sizeable setback the week before in their win against Pittsburgh, the team rebounded to reassert itself as one of the most consistently mediocre teams in the league.

“It was so much fun to watch,” said Nate Poopington of Minneapolis. “The second time Matt Cassel threw the ball 15 yards past his receiver for an interception, I almost peed myself a little. That was when I knew we were running away with this one. Come April, we’ll have the best pick in the draft to waste on some turd quarterback who would normally go in the third or fourth round, making us even worse than before. I can’t wait!”

After six weeks, the Vikings are in fifth place for the top draft pick, only a game and a half behind toilet league juggernauts like Jacksonville and the New York Giants. The Vikings will get their chance to suck it big time against the Giants next week, and have a schedule the rest of the season that pretty much ensures non-stop failure.

“Hell yeah, we the shittiest!” shouted Cornelius Watercloset of Minneapolis while celebrating on Sixth St. “We ain’t got time for no W’s, baby! Nothing but L’s for this team. We’re like the Vince Lombardi of shitty!”

I want my two dollars!

The other day I received a form letter from a student at my alma mater, the University of Wisconsin-Superior. It was one of those donation requests where a current student writes asking for money. I’d feel bad if I didn’t respond, so I’ve decided to do so here.

Please note that the last printed letter I responded to was from my grandfather. He’s dead now. I don’t think there’s a The Ring situation happening here, but consider yourself warned.

Dear Ms. Bergstrom,

Is it Ms. Bergstrom or Mrs? Are you single? Are you easily amused? Do you enjoy the company of immature gentlemen? Do you like small things, like miniature banana hammocks or thin sausages? Can you provide any photos of yourself making a duck face? Please excuse my bold inquiries, but your Facebook profile is set to private, so I’m unable to stalk you in the traditional manner.

Asking for money is tricky, Ms. Bergstrom. You have to get creative. Trust me, I should know. I have more experience being unemployed than I do working in an actual career field. I ask people for money all the time. Sometimes I still ask people for money, forgetting that I’m now gainfully employed. I also save an unreasonable number of ketchup packets from fast food restaurants because I fear that I will someday run out of food and need to make hobo stew.

Duluth Reader shutdown imminent

Duluth Reader columnist Paul Ryan showed no signs of fraying Thursday as the deadline arrived for ordering lunch at the newspaper. The newspaper’s bylaws state that if everyone in the office doesn’t agree to a lunch order, the newspaper will be completely shut down until details are agreed upon unanimously.

Publisher Robert Boone has recommended the staff dine on some cold pizza he found on the floor of his sex van. Ryan would instead like to have cheese for lunch. “Cheese”, of course, being the street term for Mexican black tar heroin mixed with Tylenol PM, which is then snorted, leading the user down a dark path of addiction that eventually leads to a very cool Elliott Smith style demise.

The vote stands at 5-1 in favor of sex van pizza, with Ryan the only holdout.

“It’s lunch, for Christ’s sake,” said staff writer Paul Whyte. “This happens every damn day! It’s free pizza! Why does everything have to be a thing with you?”

“I’m in the vast minority! I have rights!” said Ryan, spraying Whyte with a misting of saliva as he ranted. “Compromise is weakness! Weakness is defeat! Defeat means more votes for Sam Cook in columnist of the year voting! I will not lose another election to Sam Cook!”

“Yes you will,” said Boone. “Can’t we just get some subs from the dumpster behind Erbert & Gerbert’s? Why do you have to be so damn selfish?”