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Archives: Nov 2013

Black Friday is for closers

The doors will be opening soon. When they do, that cappuccino machine will be half off. Half off. Sure, your wife only drinks coffee, not cappuccino, but it’s half off. She will learn to like cappuccino, because you’re a cheap bastard.

Look at the rest of these amateurs in line. Sitting instead of standing, cramping themselves up ten minutes before the doors open. You will crush them like ants. You will feed off their screams as you forcefully pry the last cappuccino machine from their weak arms. It’s Black Friday, son. Some asses are gonna get boots in them.

Five minutes to go. The polite single-file line has dissolved into a vicious blob of anarchy, with feral spinsters and greedy cheapskates crowding and crushing each other against the entrance of the store. These are the people who will remain when the world ends. The most polite and helpful citizens from society won’t survive the apocalypse. Only the worst of humanity – the most devious, undermining savages our world has to offer – will endure the end times. Serial killers. Rapists. DMV and unemployment office employees. People who are mentally unstable or outright insane. They’re all here, waiting in line with you at Walmart. No one else would sleep on the sidewalk for three days just to save $40. Only greedy little psychopaths.

How to spend Thanksgiving alone

1) Buy an extra large TV. Position it at the head of your kitchen table so it looks like George Stephanopoulos is joining you for Thanksgiving dinner. This is much better than George visiting you for real, because the TV version of him won’t eat any of your food, make eye contact with you or talk about the huge goiter that’s been bothering him. He’ll just tell you the latest news, and you’re free to throw mashed potatoes at him or mute him without fear of retribution.

2) Use public transportation in a poor neighborhood and watch single moms smack around their bratty, disrespectful kids. Instantly feel better about not having to spend the holiday at a large family gathering.

3) Since you don’t have any family around to do it for you, note every minor flaw about yourself. Make sure to find a dozen long-winded ways to repeat the same thing so each ten second criticism lasts a good twenty minutes. If you’re single and over 30, accuse yourself of being gay.

Oh hai! It’s fancy consoles release time!

Hello and welcome to the IGN launch party for the Playstation 4 and Xbox One! I’m your host, Claude Marshall! Ahem. I should explain. I’m the son of William H. Marshall, the actor who played the King of Cartoons on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. IGN’s budget is very small. They promised me free beer, but it appears someone drank it all before I arrived. I guess we’ll just move forward.

Today is launch day for the PS4! The Xbox One doesn’t come out for another week, but we’re pretending it’s a launch party for both so fanboys won’t leave ASCII drawings of Nazi symbols and giant penises in our website’s comment section.

Let’s get started by celebrating the amazingness of the PS4! It’s the Ultimate Media Center! Do you like movies? Well fire up your laptop and start streaming those video files straight to your PS4! No need to waste precious hard drive space with . . . what’s that? Oh. There’s no DLNA support? They had it in the PS3. What happened? All right, well just transfer those mkv and mp4 files over to the PS4 and . . . it can’t do that either? It doesn’t play mp4 files? What year is this?

Not to worry! There’s still plenty of great media available for the PS4, the world’s Ultimate Media Center! Do you like music? Well, you can store all your mp3’s on your PS4! Your entire music collection, right at . . . what? This thing doesn’t play mp3’s? Jesus Christ, guys. How is this an “Ultimate Media Center” when it only plays media you buy from their store? Slow golf claps all around, I guess.

Public restrooms I have used and enjoyed

Union Station – Los Angeles, CA. Generous stall space, pleasant atmosphere. Surprisingly free of hobos, which is a feat unto itself in this neighborhood. Unfortunately, this restroom tends to be crowded. Long lines often occur, even in the men’s room. Intimidating immigrants abound. There are occasionally problems with pigeons wandering in, but they’re easily scared away by an unpleasant tone of voice. C+

Blackwoods Grill & Bar – Duluth, MN. Ice in the urinals, replaced regularly, makes for a crisp, satisfying urination. Sexy mood lighting not only tricks drunks like me into thinking it’s okay to be inebriated at 11am, but also provides a debonaire sophistication to the setting, making one feel like a secret agent dropping a bomb at a meeting of international superpowers. That is, until a hillbilly wearing a homemade “who farted” t-shirt enters and shouts a play-by-play commentary of his violent, powerful excretions. As a wise man once said, “Location, location, location.” Preferably a location outside the Twin Ports. B+