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Archives: Dec 2013

I hate everyone in the Twin Ports

You bastards. I visited Superior, WI this week, and it was awful. People were acting all weird, smiling at me and talking to me like a real person. They made polite inquiries about my life and engaged me on my interests. When I talked, they actually reacted to what I said instead of changing the subject so they could brag about themselves. It was horrible. I wanted to throw up all over them.

Even the complete strangers in the bars were friendly, and worked to find shared interests so we could have a pleasant conversation. This is completely unacceptable. What the hell is wrong with you people? Don’t you understand that hate and bitterness are like a fine wine to me? Duluth, Superior, Two Goddamn Harbors. The whole lot of you can go to hell with your genuine politeness and generosity. I have to write 850 words every week. I’ve been doing it for 11 years. I need material, damn it! I need real-life douches to write about, and all of you have failed me.

This is why I like living in Los Angeles. Things make sense here. Everyone is self-absorbed and completely full of crap. Material for this column is plentiful. No one drags me through the unpleasantness of describing my own boring life. In fact, if I attempt to talk about myself, they’ll cut me off halfway through my first sentence so they can tell a story about themselves that shows how much cooler they are than me. It’s wonderful. There are enough dirtbags here to pave a highway all the way to Duluth.

Sending Christmas newsletters to people you hate

There are many joys in this world. The joy of a newborn baby, freshly fallen snow or the loving embrace of a family member. But there’s also the joy of annoying people you hate. This is the greatest joy of all because unlike hugs or squirting out a kid, smiting your enemies involves actual talent and is not just a bodily function of sorts.

Christmas newsletters are the best way to annoy others. Even the most well written ones are tedious, boring and completely useless in this age of social media. Such things used to be sent to loved ones, but they should now only be sent to people who deserve to be tortured. After Christmas is the perfect time to create one, as late Christmas letters are exponentially more annoying than timely ones. This guide will show you how to make your own.

1) First, make a list of all the relatives and acquaintances you hate. Remember that reading a Christmas newsletter is the equivalent of having the writer sit on your face and fart, so don’t unleash it on the innocent. The hatred the recipients will have for you will last well through the Ides of March, so wield this weapon wisely.

Hello children! It’s a letter from me, Santa Claus!

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, kids! It’s your old friend Santa Claus, here to deliver some Christmas cheer! Santa has a long list of little boys and girls in the Northland who have been very good this year! Santa hears you’ve all been doing especially well in reading and spelling. Good for you! Your math scores, on the other hand, are absolute shit. The Chinese are making you look like fools, children.

Regardless, the North Pole is just as jolly as usual. The reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh this year are energetic and excited to spread joy across the world. They’re busy playing reindeer games and honing their skills for the big night! The reindeer that flew last year’s sleigh were delicious. Their tender meat fell right off the bone. Perhaps Santa will slip some venison jerky into your stocking if you’re extra helpful to your parents this week!

The elves are in their busiest time of year, working around the clock to make enough toys for all the children of the world. We were a little behind this year after a few dozen of them were mutilated and ripped into pieces by hungry polar bears. The few that were still breathing couldn’t make toys anymore, so we buried them alive. It’s a good thing too, as they’ve really started to smell! However, you’ll be happy to know we’re right back on track. In order to meet our quota, we’ve done away with bathroom breaks. All the remaining elves were fitted with diapers. They pee their pants and sit in it all day, just for you!

Winter is coming. Prepare, you useless idiot!

The roads are clear, but the cold remains. The stiffness of late nights in December rival the even colder ones in January and February, because we’re not used to the cold yet. By the new year, depression hits us harder than the temperature. But in these frosty December evenings, the air petrifies our bones for the first time again, making us a little more rigid, a little more uptight and conservative with our movements.

Yes, it’s been mighty cold lately. A frigid 60 degrees outside as I write this. If the temperature drops any lower, I might have to close the windows in my Los Angeles apartment. Winter is here.

What? “Cold” is relative. We’re used to 70 degrees here, not 60. The people of California have broken out their heavy coats, sweatshirts and winter hats. I saw scarves and boots today as well. I’m not sure why I saw boots, but I did. It’s supposed to drop to 58 by midnight. Fortunately, my apartment has heat for life threatening temperatures such as this.

After surviving this devastating cold snap, I feel uniquely qualified to give cold weather advice to the people of the Twin Ports. Your wives may have icicles hanging off their teats at the moment, but we’ll fix that soon enough. Uncle Paul, the California Eskimo is here to solve all your cold weather dilemmas with over 175,000 delightful tips!

Reader Weekly annual performance review

Dear Mr. Ryan,
As you know, each year we are required to provide feedback to employees through a performance review. Please read and sign this document to show you’ve received it. We ask that you refrain from drawing penises all over it. Our human resources manager did not appreciate the gesture last year, or any of the ten previous years in which you’ve done it.

Job Knowledge
Seeing how Mr. Ryan’s official job description was written 11 years ago by an editor who didn’t give half of one crap about such things, the description we have on file merely says “Get drunk and write words.” This limits our ability to critique. We have attempted many times to procure Mr. Ryan’s signature on an updated job description. Each time, he folds the paperwork into a pirate hat and sends back a photo of himself wearing it. We’ve told him, to no avail, that this is not the same as a signature.

Work Consistency
Most of Mr. Ryan’s columns are crude and disgusting, with frequent references to his own bowel movements or those of well-known members of the community. Occasionally, Mr. Ryan will make a point or argument that is meaningful, but he will almost always follow it with a string of curse words or grotesque sexual descriptions that render his entire point irrelevant. However, Mr. Ryan is very consistent in this mediocrity.