I’m a very fortunate person, because I’m perfect. Everything I do is correct, and I have no known flaws or shortcomings. I’m at least four steps above the rest of you filthy animals. Since it’s impossible for me to improve myself further, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I list a bunch of terrible things I did last year that I really enjoyed, and then make pledges to do them again.
For instance, I live on the fourth floor of my apartment building, and I’ve always been too lazy to walk down the stairs and put my garbage in the dumpster. To save time, I throw my garbage bags off the fourth floor fire escape. Roughly 50 percent of the time, the bags fall into the dumpster. The other half of the time, a rogue crosswind or slight intoxication on my part causes the bags to fall into the street. I have never once cleaned it up. I plan to continue this next year, as it’s fun and vaguely reminds me of the Plinko game from The Price is Right.
Last year, I also called my mom on Mother’s Day and made a series of obnoxious noises into the phone until she became annoyed and threatened to hang up. I found that experience very enjoyable, and pledge to repeat it again this year.
If my dog poops in someone’s yard and I’m really tired, sometimes I’ll declare it a lowbrow art sculpture so I don’t have to pick it up. I do this so often that I’ve already completed this pledge for 2015, despite the new year only being a few hours old. Don’t judge me. It’s New Year’s Day. I’m a little hungover, you’re a little hungover while reading this. We’re both pretty much just trying not to heave today. That’s the goal. That wrinkly lady who lives across the street wasn’t looking, so she doesn’t know it was us. Well, unless she has a security camera. Crap. Should I break into her house and check for cameras? And if so, how does one break into a house? Do I just slide my credit card along the edge of the door to unlock the deadbolt? I saw that work in three different movies. Never mind, it’ll be fine. I’m sure everything will be fine.
Every day at work, I get at least three phone calls. I ignore all of them in hopes that the caller will slip and hit their head, causing them to remember that it’s not 1988 anymore and they should probably just email me. I don’t really need 10 minutes of small talk about how people’s children are doing. I assume they’re doing fine. If their children weren’t fine, I probably would have received an invite to the funeral. Right? I would hope? Anyway, I pledge to continue this very successful program next year, and every year until I get yelled at by someone more important than me.
In July of last year, my neighbor below me yelled what I assume was an Armenian swear word at my dog for startling him outside the elevator. I’m an early riser, so every weekend since then I’ve spent the first few minutes each morning playing fetch with my dog using a heavy wooden stick that bangs against the floor really loudly. I plan to continue doing this until the old man dies from being unloved or agrees to apologize to my dog in a way that greatly humiliates and demeans him as a person.
I also killed three hobos last year. I’m slightly perplexed that no one has found them yet. It seems like they should have turned up by now. Weird.
A few months ago, I visited a bookstore and inadvertently sneezed into the middle of a $40 book about fine art. Since there’s no way I’m paying $40 for a book about anything, I just closed it and put it back, figuring anyone buying a fine art book probably makes more money than me anyway and is better equipped to deal with an extra illness. Though it was an accident, I found the experience quite exhilarating and plan to do it again. Yes, I’m serious. Go ahead and tell on me. No one will believe you. A guy sneezing into books on purpose? They’ll think you’re crazy. You can’t stop me. No one can.
Finally, I’m going to pledge to drink more heavily next year. I feel like I’ve been slacking. By this time next year, I pledge to be 65% drunker than I am now. That may not seem personal growth, but you have to keep in mind that I’m not very fun, and liquor makes me more fun. This is just a natural process for evening things out. Plus, you have to do one easy resolution for yourself each year, y’know? That way when 2016 comes around, I can look back at this year’s list and say “Well, at least I got drunk a lot.”