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Archives: Apr 2015

I’m not allowed to date Asian women

First of all, I’m white. That’s one strike against me. White guys always have a thing for Asian women. No matter what country I live in, no matter how many non-Asian women I date in my life, the mere act of me glancing at an Asian woman will produce eye rolls all around. It’s a thing.

Secondly, I live in Koreatown. Do you have any idea how douchey that seems? A white guy living in Koreatown and dating an Asian girl? That just can’t happen. I might as well be the creepy white guy in college who hangs with the foreign exchange students all day, pretending to teach them English. I don’t even have a preference when it comes to which races I date, yet to most, my situation couldn’t be more obvious if I started keeping anime charms attached to my cellphone.

Add to all this that I wear skinny jeans and have a pathetically amateurish hipster beard, and people are just going to start throwing things at me. And rightfully so. That’s strike three and four, and we’re only in the third paragraph of this column. If I were to start a band where I wrote catchy songs about Asian girls I was afraid to talk to, a wormhole might open and swallow me whole, forcing me into a parallel dimension with other people who are too obnoxious to function in the normal universe.

You forgot Garlic Day, and now I’m drunk

Dearest Martha,

I see another National Garlic Day has passed, and there is not a gift in my mailbox. For 35 years now, I’ve waited patiently for you to recognize my Friend Value, remind yourself of my magnificence a few weeks before Garlic Day, and then express that value physically with a gift on April 19. Sadly, I’m not seeing a lot of effort on your part, Martha. This doesn’t seem to be happening.

Granted, I haven’t reminded you to buy me a present. I also haven’t informed you that Garlic Day exists. I didn’t know it existed myself until I read an article about it last week. But the fact that it has existed for years and you haven’t once bought me a Garlic Day gift is very hurtful.

I’m not asking for a lot. I just want you to drop everything in your life, spend hours educating yourself about garlic history online, and then spend $500 to $800 on a gift for me that is in no way related to garlic. Don’t tell me you can’t afford it, Martha. You live in a first world country. You have access to credit cards. Are you aware that credit card companies have to forgive your debt once you’re dead? It’s true! You can spend your entire life buying me luxurious Garlic Day gifts and never pay that money back. When you die, it will all be free! You can also use those credit cards to buy something small for yourself if you’d like.

Idolizing the normies

All of my childhood heroes turned into douchebags. Kirby Puckett was a great baseball player and a magnificent public urination hobbyist, but he was also a wife beater. Pee Wee Herman was funny and charming, but his choice to splooge in a public theater was less so. Fred Rogers, the late host of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, was murdered by seven men in a Kmart parking lot when a Pokemon trade went sour.

He wanted a Bunnelby for a Magicarp. That is some ignorant bullshit.

The list of failed heroes is endless. Former Twins pitcher Frankie “Sweet Music” Viola was arrested at a Chuck E Cheese restaurant for pooping in the ball pit. Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton leaked five episodes of Game of Thrones this past weekend. Newsie Brian Williams beat a Muppet to death with a rotary telephone. It wasn’t a popular Muppet, but it’s still a crime.

So you’re moving out of an apartment you ruined

You can smell it in the air. Desperation. It’s that time of year when college students like yourself are realizing you’ll be done with the school year soon, and the apartment you rented looks like a meth den. Sure, you could do the ethical thing and just let the landlord keep your deposit, but that’s not your style. No, you’re going to fight this one to the bitter end, no matter how pointless and stupid it is.

I’m here to help you make it stupider. If you follow these bits of advice, you’ll get back at least $3 of your $800 deposit. Guaranteed! By the newspaper, not me. Please forward all bills to the newspaper. They’re totally on board with this. I’m not just making it up to anger them.

 
– Use warm water mixed with a small amount of bleach to remove all those giant penises and satanic pentagrams you drew on the wall with a magic marker.

Columnist watching Walking Dead finale instead of writing April Fools Day articles

Duluth Reader columnist Paul Ryan, the only staff member who regularly writes humor for the newspaper, has once again contributed absolutely nothing to the annual April Fools issue. According to several eyewitnesses, Ryan has been “dicking around all goddamn weekend” instead of writing.

Ryan also contributed zero articles to last year’s April Fools edition. He stated that he couldn’t write because his wife had died, yet there is no public record of him ever being married. In 2013, Ryan claimed he was visiting a remote region of China without access to phones or computers, yet a brief glance at his Instagram showed he was actually visiting a local grilled cheese festival. Back in 2012, Ryan claimed to have broken both his hands in a “misunderstanding” at a strip club.

In 2011, Ryan was unemployed and claimed he wasn’t drunk enough to be funny. He would only participate if the publisher sent him a $95 bottle of bourbon. In 2010, Ryan said his computer keyboard was too sticky and was being professionally cleaned the entire weekend. In 2009, Ryan announced he had cancer, and then on April 1 sent an email joyfully revealing the fatal illness to be a joke. In 2008, the single article Ryan submitted seemed to be a plagiarized grade-schooler’s book report of “To Kill a Mockingbird”.