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Archives: Jun 2015

Saturday slated to be Gayest Fourth of July on record

Do you like it Gay? How about Super Gay on the Fourth of July? That’s what The Weather Channel is predicting in their 10-day forecast issued Tuesday. Not partly Gay. Not “chances of Gay with a sprinkle of Straight.” Super Duper Fabulously Gay. Relative Gayness will continue throughout the weekend, with some high humidity early next week.

Be mindful that this humidity will make things feel much Gayer than they actually are, so be sure to bring a small towel on that morning bicycle ride.

“Yeah, it’s been really Gay this week,” said Margaret Turner of Cloquet, MN. “It was so Gay yesterday that the family and I had to get out the sprinkler and hose ourselves down. It didn’t really help. A few minutes later, we were all Gay and sweaty again. That damn humidity just Gays up everything.”

With first pick of NBA Draft, Timberwolves select bag of Oreo cookies

The Minnesota Timberwolves, known for their abysmal draft choices over the years, have preemptively cut their losses and selected a bag of Oreo cookies with the first pick of the 2015 NBA draft.

“There’s just so much pressure to make the right pick, and we always muck it up,” said TImberwolves head coach Flip Saunders. “We are so awful at this that it’s almost like a curse. Being losers is in our blood. Selecting this bag of Oreo cookies will make our fans upset, just like when we drafted Wayne Ellington, but at least this time when the dust storm of failure clears we’ll have a bag of cookies to eat.”

The first pick is expected to be a choice between big men Karl-Anthony Towns and Jahlil Okafor, but the Timberwolves have now made it a race between Oreo cookies, which are the popular choice but may be overhyped, and Hydrox cookies, which have been around longer and have more experience but won’t create as much excitement with fans.

Duluth calls timeout on plans to build library in your butt

Citing the ignorance of the general public, Duluth Mayor Don Ness signaled for a timeout on the City of Duluth’s plan to build a public library in your butt. The $34 million facility, which would have been installed immediately and directly into your butt, was tabled so city residents have more time to learn about your butt and make informed decisions regarding its use.

This may leave Duluth’s next mayor to decide whether to build the four-story library, with two levels of underground parking, right inside your butt. While Mayor Ness said he still hopes to have a library in your butt before he leaves office at year’s end, he noted Thursday that it’s much more important that the process be done well.

“It’s much more important that the process be done well,” said Ness, who wants to build a library inside your butt. “The reader of this newspaper column has a butt. Would a state of the art public library – one that would attract tourists from as far away as nearby Cloquet and Hermantown – fit inside this unsuspecting, randomly chosen Duluth Reader consumer’s butt without their permission? We won’t know until we try numerous times.”

How to dispose of your recent graduate

Let’s be honest. Your kids are ugly, lazy and not too bright. Now that they’ve graduated, all you can do is hope they accidentally produce grandchildren before dying while drunkenly mimicking some backyard wrestling move they saw online. It’s time to ditch them. No, I don’t mean for a long weekend. Forever. Ditch your children forever.

Look, your kids are just awful. They’re moody, distant, and they think Pearl Jam is “a band full of old guys.” What the hell is that all about? If you went on a date with someone like that, would there be a second date? Of course not. Stop being such a hoarder. It’s fourth down. Punt your children into the real world before the play clock runs out.

You’re not doing anything wrong here. They have been raised. They have been fed and clothed. They have been educated. They’re 22 years old now. Throw those little freeloading bastards out of the house. You have served this horrid prison sentence for two decades, and now you’re free. Pack up your crap, Kenneth! I’ve done my part for society. What you do with the skills I have given you is your own problem. Hey! Kenneth! Pack up your shit and get out of my life so I can have fun again! I won’t warn you again, Kenneth! This shotgun has two chambers, and I shall not miss a second time, Kenneth! Be gone with thee, vile leech! Your mother and I have some loveseats to stain!

An exciting column I wrote about the dictionary

Once every 10,000 years, the lizard people at Merriam-Webster announce a list of new words they’re adding to the dictionary. Words are added based on various factors: Cash bribes, sexual bribes, highly sexual cash bribes, hip hoppityness, and the general attractiveness of the letters used.

One thing’s for certain: These are not just randomly selected slang terms that they forced one of their college interns to compile. That’s certainly not why the word “jeggings” is now in the dictionary while tremendously useful phrases like “banana hammock” and “jenkum” remain woefully underused by most Americans. By the way, don’t look that last one up. Just die of old age without knowing. Trust me on this.

Here are some actual words they added that you can look up:

This acronym stands for Will Totally Follow-up. Be sure to use this one as much as possible in work emails. If you want to get ahead, you have to trick people into thinking you’re young and cool. That’s why I write this column. Everyone who reads this column thinks I’m really cool. Follow my advice, and soon people at your work will have the same opinion about you that people in Duluth have about me!

I think this is what I order at Panda Express when I’m completely wasted and slurring my words. It’s utter gibberish and just alerts the employee to throw their blandest white person quasi-Chinese food into a bag and charge me $8. “He will be happy,” they say. “He will be happy with anything we give him.” I’d correct them if they were wrong.