Abandoning traditional methods of balancing a budget, American politicians are turning to a Lucasfilm-based economic strategy. The upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens film is expected to gross eleventy billion dollars in its first five seconds of release. America’s struggling economy is depending almost entirely on the taxes from those box office receipts to remain afloat through the holiday season.
“Fifteen percent of eleventy billion is $1.65 billion,” said President Barack Obama. “Let me check that one more time. Take the earnings, multiply by 0.15. Yep, $1.65 billion. That’s just what we need to keep this shitbox churning along for a few more months.”
President Obama was quick to point out that this money will not fix our crumbling infrastructure, terrible public schools, abusive treatment of minorities, massive federal deficit, lack of affordable healthcare, forever widening wage gap, predatory student loans, the random acts of senseless violence that have now become almost commonplace in our nation, or the complete incompetence of our elected officials.
The government has classified The Force Awakens, which debuts on December 18, as too big to fail. The movie not only needs to be a hit, but the biggest hit of all-time. Anything less would lead to the devastation of our entire nation, and possibly our very species.
“I’m not usually the dramatic type,” said Charles Danson, a financial analyst for The Pentagon. “But unless every person in the nation sees this movie twice, your children might not live through Christmas. If you think I’m not looking at you while saying this, you’re wrong. I’m pointing directly at your dumb face. To be honest, the only reason your children are alive right now is because Jurassic World did so well.”
Without Chris Pratt’s approachably hunky demeanor, officials agree that your children would have spent this morning drinking their own pee to stay hydrated, and smoking crack cocaine to dull the pain of their constant hunger.
If The Force Awakens doesn’t reach its expected numbers, nearly 89 percent of Americans will find themselves enslaved by sex traffickers by January, as our once proud nation turns from an elected democracy to a post apocalyptic nightmare. The only light each day will be the flashlight your captors shine into your locked cage to signify it’s time to “service” wealthy gentlemen from The Wastelands.
Some media personalities, of course, disagree with these findings.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” said Tucker Carlson, one of the bowtie-wearing sadists who will rule our new anarchy with an iron fist. “Important people are taking care of everything. There’s no reason to get worked up. Just keep relaxing, smoking a lot of weed and watching popular TV shows like Marvel’s Agents of Shield. You could worry about where the nation is going, but then you might miss these great shows and have all their secrets spoiled by internet ‘tards! Let’s focus on that instead. That’s the issue that really affects you at the moment.”
Rachel Maddow, part of the opposing faction of tyrants who will battle for the nation’s remaining souls once Gozer the Destructor unearths from Its timeless grave and enslaves the planet, agrees.
“Remember all those times you cared about stuff, gave up quickly and then nothing bad happened?” said Maddow, who has spent the past five years trading her enormous wealth for a vast supply of natural resources and network of underground caves that will serve as her unending source of power once the post-Abrams era begins. “This is one of those times. Just sit around and don’t do anything! Go about your day confident that your life will always remain the same and nothing in your boring suburban existence will change. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do a walkthrough of some underground WWII bomb shelters. Collecting them is a new hobby of mine, one that is completely unrelated to the fact that our country is deteriorating before our very eyes.”
After the cameras turned off, Maddow descended to MSNBC’s Sarlacc pit, located below the building’s secondary Taco Bell franchise. She forcefully grabbed a nude intern, who had earlier in the day been stripped of all supplies and valuable materials, and mounted them. After thrusting precisely three times and climaxing, Maddow threw the now soiled human into the pit to be slowly digested over the next thousand years.
“Your coffee this morning displeased me,” said Maddow.
Not all is lost, however. President Obama made sure to remind citizens that it’s possible to avoid MSNBC, CNN and Fox News’ Sarlacc pits. The economy can still be kept flowing the natural way.
“Just give us all of your money all the time,” said President Obama. “That’s how America stays strong. Don’t save money, don’t prepare for the future, just spend everything you have right away and don’t stop until you’re under our thumb. If everyone does that for the next 150 years or so, America will be back on track, just like this amazing new generation of Star Wars films, which not a single one of us has seen more than 30 seconds of yet.”