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Archives: Oct 2015

Nation’s economy now relies entirely on new Star Wars film not sucking

Abandoning traditional methods of balancing a budget, American politicians are turning to a Lucasfilm-based economic strategy. The upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens film is expected to gross eleventy billion dollars in its first five seconds of release. America’s struggling economy is depending almost entirely on the taxes from those box office receipts to remain afloat through the holiday season.

“Fifteen percent of eleventy billion is $1.65 billion,” said President Barack Obama. “Let me check that one more time. Take the earnings, multiply by 0.15. Yep, $1.65 billion. That’s just what we need to keep this shitbox churning along for a few more months.”

President Obama was quick to point out that this money will not fix our crumbling infrastructure, terrible public schools, abusive treatment of minorities, massive federal deficit, lack of affordable healthcare, forever widening wage gap, predatory student loans, the random acts of senseless violence that have now become almost commonplace in our nation, or the complete incompetence of our elected officials.

The government has classified The Force Awakens, which debuts on December 18, as too big to fail. The movie not only needs to be a hit, but the biggest hit of all-time. Anything less would lead to the devastation of our entire nation, and possibly our very species.

Report: 98 percent of Airbnb hosts trade videos of you peeing

Airbnb stock rose four and a quarter this morning as a survey surfaced showing 98 percent of Airbnb hosts are merely eccentrics gathering videos of guests urinating.

“Allowing people to rent property they don’t own and spreading a plague of bedbugs across the nation has made us a lot of money,” said Airbnb spokesman Burl Jeeves. “But there’s more avenues of revenue we haven’t tapped yet. Creating a marketplace where Airbnb hosts can sell or trade videos of guests peeing is just the next logical step for our very profitable company.”

Consent from users was secured via a quick adjustment to the company’s 7.5 million page user agreement. The company deflected suggestions that the new feature is infringing upon the rights of customers.

“I’d be quite flattered,” said Airbnb CEO Duck Johnson. “If you’re so attractive that someone wants to watch you doing something as horrid as that, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. Some people just need to learn to accept a compliment.”

People who brush teeth at work rounded up, transferred to island

In a move applauded by an overwhelming majority of the nation, people who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work have been rounded up and permanently relocated to a deserted island. People of their ilk will be allowed to use the materials they find on the island to build their own community, far away from normal citizens.

Anyone who tries to leave the island will be shot.

Tensions have been building for years between Brushers and Normals. Disgusting, spit-covered sinks and faucets have spread like a plague across the nation, infecting workplaces of every level, from the deeply impoverished to the ultra affluent. After years of suffering, Americans say they’ve had enough. Brushers claim they aren’t doing anything wrong.

“People wanna hate me because I’m a Brush,” said Apple Plainfield, whose workplace brushing sometimes forces normal bathroom users to wait up to two minutes to wash their hands after touching their genitals. “But I’m proud to be a Brush! What people don’t realize is that I have a rare medical condition, one that I made up myself, in which my teeth will rot out if I don’t brush them every four hours.”

National tragedy prolongs relationship another month

Summer Davis, age 26, wakes at dawn and rubs the sleep from her eyes. She’ll lie in bed for another 45 minutes before summoning the courage to face the day. Davis concentrates on her breathing, calming her nerves. She will get through this, she tells herself. She will focus on the parts of her life that are positive. Over and over again, she whispers to herself the same phrase: “I will be okay today.”

The recent mass shootings plastered almost gleefully across every news network are now a regular occurrence in American society. The incidents are frequent and seemingly unending. Even if you made a point to avoid them, desperately trying to pretend they aren’t there, the collective pain of a nation still comes screeching from all formats every time you leave your bed. These long-term effects of a violent culture are not lost on Davis. She sees the worst casualty of these shootings every morning when she wakes up.

“Good morning, babe!” said Kyle Fornsworth, Davis’ boyfriend of 14 months. He leans over to kiss Davis, but she only buries herself deeper under the covers. “I gotta head out. Kenny’s got some killer wax we’re gonna smoke in the alleyway behind the shoe store! Text me if the mailman brings my Xbox controller!”

The front door shuts, and Davis emerges from her linen bunker.

“Ugh, I wish these mass shootings would stop so I could break up with him and not look insensitive,” said Davis. “Is it really so hard for people to not create a national tragedy every week so I can move on with my life? He’s getting more douchey every day. These families need to hurry up and finish grieving already.”