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Archives: Jan 2016

Lawler graciously declines Best Columnist award

The Duluth News-Tribune’s Christa Lawler is this year’s top columnist in the Best of the Northland awards, but she won’t be for long. Lawler has declined to accept the award, shocking the region and leaving runner-up Paul Ryan to take the reigns. He will receive both the bragging rights and the $400,000 cash prize that comes with the honor.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking this weekend, and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who reads the Duluth Reader smells like farts,” said Lawler, in a quote totally not made up by one of her rivals writing a pretend news story about her. “Because of this, and only this, I will be declining the award. Paul Ryan is now the best columnist in the Northland. Frankly, he always has been. I don’t know what these country yokels were thinking, voting him into second place yet again.”

Some find Lawler’s timing for the announcement a bit too convenient. Currently on parole for throwing a soiled diaper at a bald eagle, Lawler’s kind gesture seems to be giving her a public relations boost, distracting the public from the numerous photos of poop eagles that otherwise would have dominated the front page news this week. Lawler claims the timing is merely a coincidence.

Superior, WI first to support medicinal alcohol

In a groundbreaking new law, Superior, WI has become the first city in the nation to support medicinal alcohol. If successful, residents throughout Wisconsin may finally be able to legally buy alcohol from a dispensary instead of purchasing mediocre and potentially dangerous product in the black market.

“Dude, this is awesome!” said Dustin Blankfield of Superior Township. “If I wanted alcohol before, I had to buy it off some dude who hangs out in the laundry room of my apartment building. I’d have to sit there hanging out with him all afternoon like we were friends, and I could only get whatever crappy strain of alcohol he had that week. But dispensaries are amazing. Imagine if you could walk into a regular store and buy alcohol. That’s exactly what it’s like! It’s crazy!”

Alcohol dispensaries provide dozens of different alcohol strains for people to choose from. There’s “Miller Lite”, a strain grown in Milwaukee that’s known for its lighter flavor, making it great for daytime drinkers who still want to get a lot of work done. Some prefer more exotic strains like Coors Light, which is similar but reportedly grown in the high altitudes of the Rocky Mountains. Truly daring consumers may go for an international strain like Guinness, grown in the faraway land of Ireland. This strain is fuller and richer, providing a more euphoric experience that sometimes makes consumers sleepy or “couch locked”.

Netflix DVD goes unwatched for eighth straight month

It was May 2015, and everything was magical. The snow was melting, trees were leafy and green, DVDs arrived regularly from Netflix, and a baby miraculously escaped from the Dutchess of Cambridge’s meticulously groomed vagina to bloom into what we all hoped would be the ugliest baby on Earth. Because honestly, to hell with those people.

Eight months later, the world has changed. The skies have grown dark and frigid. The cold air makes our bodies snap and crackle like an extinguished campfire. Nothing lives outside anymore. Winter has come, and the hopelessness and despair it brings has caused things to be brought up that had not been questioned in happier times. Beth Biggins, wife of Scott Biggins, has just noticed the Netflix DVD that’s been sitting next to the TV for nearly eight months. A war is about to begin.

Man suspects his dog may be Episcopalian

Mike Dopples thought it was a bizarre dream at first, perhaps the result of a rogue tuna fish sandwich or the entire bottle of rail whiskey he drank at the bar that night. It wasn’t until it happened a second and third time that he believed it. Like a growing number of Americans, Dopples woke up Sunday morning to find his dog watching an Episcopal sermon on TV.

More than 97 percent of dogs now identify as Episcopalians, a drastic increase from 20 years ago when 100 percent of dogs identified as “socially liberal but fiscally conservative.” Experts believe the openness of the Episcopal sect to all kinds – even dogs – is the cause of the change.

Dopples thought it was a mistake at first. Perhaps his dog had forgotten that Episcopalians are lazy slackers who coast through life with their mouths full of complimentary wafers. Perhaps his dog wasn’t aware that cool things are exclusive, and religions who accept literally anyone probably aren’t very cool. Maybe his damned ungrateful dog had forgotten that Catholicism is the most tedious and guilt-ridden sect of Christianity, and therefore the one most likely to get him into heaven.