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Archives: Feb 2016

Over 1.2 million Kit Kats recalled

Millions of Kit Kats are “taking a break” after widespread complaints, and consumers are buzzing about it. Literally. The factory that produces the chocolate-colored wafers recently had a production error causing 1.2 million of the wafers under the chocolate to be replaced with swarms of live bees.

The affected candy bars look and feel like real Kit Kats, but they’re merely a chocolate-covered trojan horse delivering dozens of angry, stinging bees into the mouths of consumers. The manufacturer’s spokesman urged the public to remain calm.

“Oh dear lord, the bees have breached the shipping bay!” said spokesman Kent Doogle. “Ahhhhhhh! So many stings! The caffeine in the chocolate is making them angrier! Kill them all with fire! It’s too late for us! Burn us all to hell and save yourselves! Gahhhhh! They’re in my mouth! Blaaaabloogleblumthhh!”

Obama appoints ‘DickPunch 4000’ to Supreme Court

Nov 1, 2016 – After nearly 10 months of vicious infighting between President Obama and the Senate, Obama is attempting to appoint America’s first robot Supreme Court Justice. The robot, named DickPunch 4000, is a Harvard graduate who earned simultaneous master’s degrees from Stanford, MIT, Yale, and the University of Oxford. He also excelled in ballet at Juilliard. The 20-foot tall robot speaks 700 different languages and does not have emotions.

The appointment of DickPunch 4000 comes after the Senate rejected ten of Obama’s previous appointments, including Attorney General Loretta Lynch, Judge Merrick Garland, Judge Padmanabhan Srikanth Srinivasan, Judge Jacqueline Nguyen, Judge Sri Srinivasan, Elmo from Sesame Street, Obama’s 17-year-old daughter Malia, a wax statue of Ronald Reagan, and Christian lord and savior Jesus Christ. While it’s unusual to see Republicans reject Jesus Christ, they were worried he’d be soft on second amendment rights.

Cupid charged with 105.3 billion counts of drugging people

After years of allegations, Cupid is finally on trial regarding charges that he drugged billions of men and women with a date rape substance he calls “love”. Over 105 billion people have stepped forward as victims, joining together in a class action lawsuit. The testimony alone lasted months.

“I dated this guy once who made me watch professional wrestling every week for a year,” said Carrie Block, one of Cupid’s millions of victims. “He also used to eat spaghetti with slices of American cheese. I was so confused! I couldn’t figure out what possessed me to keep dating such a loser. Now it’s clear that Cupid’s arrow forced me to fall for a douchebag.”

Perhaps most disturbing is the distribution method for “love”. The drug – which has not been approved by the FDA – can only be administered by firing a bow and arrow into the person’s chest. Assuming the target survives, they’ll become obsessed with the first person they see, even if that person is really, really ugly.

Giant murderous duck expected to attack in August

A 61-foot tall yellow duck is on a murderous rampage, and its next stop is Duluth. Weighing nearly 11 tons, the vicious duck with a lust for human blood will destroy everyone and everything in its path. “Mama”, as the duck is called, has already leveled the once thriving metropolises of Toronto, Canada and Fairport, Ohio.

Nearly 1.2 million people died in Toronto as the giant flesh-eating duck smashed through the city like a runaway freight train through a paper mache toilet filled with raccoons. Spewing fire and brimstone from its razor-sharp beak, the cruel monster cooked and swallowed innocent citizens in one swift motion. Those who weren’t eaten were burned alive in the fires or crushed to death inside crumbling buildings.

“That duck is some bullshit,” said Travis Gleen, one of Toronto’s local youths. “He looks all smiley and shit, but once he gets close he’ll eat your friend Dave. Trust me, I know. Took Dave’s head clean off! I don’t even mind all that, it’s the poop everywhere. There’s duck poop the size of my car all over Harbourfront Centre. Somebody needs to clean that shit up so people can walk around here. What’s the use of having a lakewalk if nobody can walk on it? These damn ducks are out of control.”