It’s been nearly a week since Easter, and everything has gone to shit. The kids devoured all the good candy, those Peeps you ate have joined forces to fight their way out of your colon together, and the live rabbit you bought on a whim is frightening your children with its wild mood swings. You’d better get rid of it before it poops in one of their mouths.
This informative news article will show you the fastest and easiest way to dispose of your Easter rabbit so you can get back to your normal routine of drinking quietly by yourself while your grade school children watch The Kardashians unsupervised. Enjoy!
Solution 1: Throw the rabbit in the garbage
In a best case scenario, the rabbit already died because you wrapped the Easter basket in cellophane and forgot to add air holes. While you can’t undo the screams of your terrified children on Easter morning, the cleanup itself is fairly simple. Just toss Mr. Floppy’s lifeless corpse in a dumpster. Make sure to choose the dumpster of a business down the block so the involuntary rabbitslaughter charges can’t be traced back to you. If there are security cameras, toss the dead Easter bunny to your neighbor’s dog instead.
DON’T flush Mr. Floppy down the toilet. Only the Kardashians and Daisy Ridley can afford sewer pipes wide enough for dead animals.
Solution 2: Sell the rabbit to an idiot
If the rabbit is still alive, try flipping it on eBay. With a little patience, you may find someone even dumber than you who’s willing to overpay even more than you did. Our endless parade of morons is what makes America great. Tell people the rabbit was in a commercial for Cadbury’s, or it glows in the dark because of altered stem cells!
DON’T try to alter the rabbit’s stem cells yourself. This can only be done by a true professional, like a genetic scientist or your mail carrier.
Solution 3: Meat is only murder if no one eats it
Another option is to visit your local butcher shop. Make sure the butcher pays you at least $3.50 per pound, because he’s going to charge his customers twice that. Try to negotiate to get the pelt and feet back. You can knit the rabbit fur into a fashionable codpiece, and the feet can be fitted with keychains and sold to tourists and people who like to put things in their butt.
DON’T get into a heated argument with the butcher over pricing. His entire workplace is already filled with knives and blood. That butcher is one degree of separation away from using that cleaver to murder annoying customers.
Solution 4: Take the rabbit to a strip club
You’re stuck with this rabbit, so you might as well get some use out of him. If a live rabbit doesn’t get you at least one free lap dance, then you’re living your life poorly. Let the dancers coo over the cute bunny while you quietly slip out the back. They won’t recognize it’s a grift until it’s too late.
DON’T let the dancers trick you into buying lap dances for the rabbit. He’s there to work for you, not the other way around!
Solution 5: Give the rabbit to a magician
Magicians are very secretive about their methods, but there’s no way they’ve removed that many bunnies from their hats without accidentally crushing a few. Have you ever seen a magician’s apartment? If not, it’s probably because they’re filled with dead bunnies. You might as well toss yours onto the pile. It’s just like show business, but unlike human actors, rabbit performers are given a merciful death before their personalities turn sour.
DON’T give your rabbit to a guy on Craigslist who claims to be a magician. Especially if he’s not wearing pants when he opens the door.
Solution 6: Enlist the rabbit in the Navy
Being a pet owner is like being a parent. You have to provide just enough care to keep them alive so you don’t get in trouble. Many parents across the nation are in the same situation as you, where they’re bored of their children and would rather spend their hard-earned money at casinos. Take their lead and join the time-honored tradition of parents who have dumped their disappointing children off on the military! If your rabbit is two years old, that’s age 20 in people years. Sign that rabbit up for front line infantry, or in the Navy if the rabbit seems whimsical.
DON’T enlist your rabbit in the Army Reserves. They’ll only be gone one weekend a month, and when the rabbit comes back their language will be very salty.
Solution 7: Raise the rabbit humanely as a loving pet
Just kidding! You should have seen the look on your face! Relax, you’re American. No one’s going to expect you to do anything difficult. That’s why we all work middle management jobs shuffling paperwork. Just put the rabbit in your mailbox and see if the mail carrier takes him. It’s worth a shot.
DON’T take Solution 7 seriously. You’re barely qualified to raise children, let alone a rabbit that you actually have to pay attention to every day. If everything else on this list fails, just quit your life, pack up your things and hope that the squatters who take over your home and family are more competent.