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Archives: May 2016

Miss Manners: Your daughter pooping in the microwave might affect your taxes

By Judith Martin

 
Dear Miss Manners,
My daughter has general anxiety, social anxiety, double secret probation anxiety, bipolar disorder, Tourette syndrome and a labia that extends to her knees. She also poops her pants whenever I use the microwave. With this information in mind, should I itemize my taxes or just take the standard deduction?

If Miss Manners has made sure of one thing in her 137 years of writing this column, it’s that she never cleans up diarrhea unless she’s getting paid for it. So definitely itemize your taxes.

 
Dear Miss Manners,
My 18-year-old son only wants to get high and play video games all day. What should I do?

Miss Manners doesn’t believe you’re giving her the full story. She’s pretty sure your son also spends an unreasonable amount of time pleasuring himself to Game of Thrones episodes. Regardless, it’s important that you kill your son. This is the only way to show him that what he’s doing is unhealthy. Once he’s dead, he’ll realize that he wasted his life and the problem will solve itself. At his funeral, make sure to use his open casket as an ashtray to ensure the point gets driven home.

Bernie Sanders apparel 90% off

Bernie Sanders isn’t giving up on his fight for the Democratic nomination, but eyebrows are raising this week as he also announced a 90 percent off sale on apparel. Sanders tried to downplay the significance.

“There are a lot of people out there who say I should drop out of the race,” said Sanders. “Well, let me be as clear as I can be. I’m in it until the last ballot is cast, but these 2016 Bernie t-shirts need to go. We produced a lot of them, our overhead is not looking good. I’m still in the race, and I still plan to win, but these t-shirts are done. Not me. Just the shirts. Ninety percent off. Everybody wears t-shirts. That’s what they told me. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. I may have been misled. Ninety percent off. Tell your Bernie Buddies.”

Dog’s birthday party way better than owner’s

Standing room in the workplace was scarce Thursday, and the overwhelming number of balloons and streamers made visibility difficult for the massive mob of partygoers celebrating the birthday of Peanut Butter, a 3-year-old mini pinscher. Nearly 50 people attended the workplace birthday bash, showing an intimate and heartfelt love for the popular dog on his special day.

The wild orgy of fun and drunken shenanigans shook the floors and rattled the walls until nearly four in the morning, when police confiscated the well-stocked open bar, arrested all 15 prostitutes hired for the event, and ordered workers to evacuate the office.

The birthday of Bernard Bennigan, Peanut Butter’s owner, was celebrated a few weeks earlier, but was a far more modest affair. Bennigan was greeted at his desk by a single bag of fun sized M&Ms taped inside a greeting card. The card was signed only by his boss.

Scientists discover eight new shapes of poo in Taco Bell restroom

Fast food restrooms have always harbored secrets waiting to be discovered. Fortunately, there are people whose entire job is to find these secrets. In a Taco Bell restroom near Minneapolis, 419 meters above sea level, geological researchers have discovered a small, delicate-looking coil of poo in the shape of a perfect four-leaf clover.

Katherine Houlihan, a scientist with the National Marine Fisheries Service, described the May 2 discovery on the NOAA website:

“As our small team of unfortunate interns were traversing yet another slab of porcelain covered in an unreasonably high amount of sediment, they came across a breathtaking new species. The appearance of this poo coil was unlike any published records and was the richest sample ever found for this element. We were only able to observe and record footage briefly before an obese disabled man thundered into the restroom and rained destruction down upon it, obliterating it forever.”

While most poo is shaped like unpeeled bananas or freshly baked cinnamon rolls, this newly discovered coil shape has never appeared naturally in nature. The new species has been named Houlihan, after the scientist who discovered it.

Social apocalypse begins after celebrity sneezes in public

The world of celebrity gossip and scandal is on fire today after socialite Kylie Jenner sneezed. Jenner’s bizarre personal choice to sneeze in public like a regular person is creating a heated debate throughout the country.

“I don’t know if I like her anymore,” said Todd Flounder of New York. “I thought she was soooooo pretty and way better than me, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, poor people sneeze. Why would I follow someone on Instagram if they’re a normal person? If I want that, I’ll just follow my friend Ronnie, who also posts obnoxious inspirational quotes and sideboob selfies.”

While it’s normal for regular humans to sneeze, scientists are baffled as to why a celebrity would need to do so. Genetically engineered to be better than us, this is the first known record of a celebrity sneezing, burping, coughing or raising their own children.