Less than one week after the United Kingdom’s difficult breakup with the European Union, the EU has been spotted painting the town with every whorish country bordering their region. The EU claims it’s just “living its life” and having a good time, while the UK believes they’re being a total skank.
“It just seems really rude for them to get back out there so quickly,” said England, biting its lip and avoiding direct eye contact. “I know I’m the one who initiated the breakup, but shouldn’t the EU at least pretend to be sad for a while? Isn’t that the courtesy? I mean, going out with goddamn Norway? That bitch’s borders have been spread wide open for years! Every Schengen slut in the region has busted a nut in Norway. I’m not jealous, it’s just gross.”
England then attempted to laugh, but produced more of a sniffling whimper.
“It’s allergy season, that’s why my eyes are watering so much,” said England, pulling a compact out to check its face. “I really hate this time of year. So many pollens. Oh God! Excuse me while I go freshen up.”
Belarus has been complaining for the past week about late night disturbances coming from the EU and Ukraine. Loud thumping noises and the constant squeaking of bedsprings have been heard from the countries, sometimes multiple times per night, making it impossible for Belarus to sleep. The country seems especially annoyed that these flings are likely just a meaningless rebound.
“I do not understand. The EU and Ukraine, they do not work? They do not have jobs in morning?” said Belarus, “Friday night, Saturday night, these things I understand. You let loose after long work week. Whoop it up with homies and breezys. But on work nights, bitches must go home. People of Belarus not impressed by loud moaning. Is annoying, not sexy.”
While it’s customary to give a week-long grace period after a breakup before appearing in public with new love interests, etiquette is not law. The broad reach of social media has made subtlety especially difficult, making the EU’s endless line of diplomatic bimbos front page news.
“We should be the new town bicycle, not the EU!” wailed Wales. “We only voted to leave to make them jealous, and now look at them. I heard those EU hookers are banging Iceland! Friggin’ Iceland! That’s so beneath them. Look, I know it’s fun to plow some easy skanks after getting dumped, but Iceland didn’t even apply to the EU until their currency crashed. They’re just size queens who are only interested in the EU’s enormous girth.”
As expected, Northern Ireland has been very vocal with their annoyance. The country strongly supports remaining in the union, and seems rather pleased that the breakup is going poorly.
“I told them this would happen,” said Northern Ireland, an air of superiority in its voice. “I didn’t want to break up with the EU. Things were going fine. Sure, it’s tough being the hottest bitch in the union, but contributing the most to a relationship makes us look good. I’d rather be the head of a superpower than watching Netflix alone on a Friday night.”
Scotland has been strangely quiet about EU’s parade of international floozies. Out of all the Brexit voters, they’ve been one of the only countries to not say anything nasty about the EU or criticize them for their whorish behavior. They were also the country most against the breakup in the first place, with 62 percent in favor of staying with the EU.
“Do you think they’ll take us back?” asked Scotland, an obvious despondency in its voice. “I know desperation is a stinky perfume, but maybe all this is just to get our attention so we can get back together again? I know there’s little things we didn’t like about the EU – their constant demand for money, all the immigrants they keep bringing around like our home is some hotel for every lame duck in the region. But no matter who we partner with, they’re going to have flaws. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. It’s time for us to act like adults and settle.”
The EU has been quite smug after the breakup, always ready with clever one-liners for reporters and flirting with every animal, mineral or vegetable that could receive its glorious seed.
“So many bitches want on this,” said the EU, smiling and wiggling its tongue inside its slightly ajar mouth. “This whole region wants in my pants, but there’s no need for anything longterm just yet. Right now EU stands for Extremely Underrated! I’m about to go put the D in Moldova! Ughhh, yeah!”
Americans have been frighteningly apolitical about the news, lacking even the most general knowledge of what the European Union is, which countries are involved and the severe economic consequences that will affect their own country as a result of the split.
“Where the crap is Brexit?” said the United States, not even bothering to avert its gaze from its three conjoined computer monitors full of pornography and violent YouTube videos. “Brexit sounds like some type of weird cracker that snooty wankers eat with their tea. Whatever. I’m gonna go vape. Let me know when Gawker leaks photos of Maisie Williams’ boobs.”