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Archives: Jul 2016

Internet provider actually on time for goddamn appointment

The cable van stopped in front of Ayleen Klein’s apartment at 7:55am, five minutes before the scheduled appointment window. The repairman whistled happily up the walkway and punched the apartment number into the intercom. He held a jug of ice cold lemonade by his side.

“What’s this bullshit?” said Klein through the intercom. “You don’t work for the cable company. Those asshats don’t show up on time. What are you, some kind of weird sex criminal? Take your willy down the block, son. This house is a no burrito zone.”

“Good morning, Ms. Klein! I’m Kal Thomas, from your cable provider. I’m on time because we’re working hard to do a better job! We want you to be happy with our service! Would you care for some lemonade?”

“What are you, some kind of clever gang rapist?” said Klein. “To hell with your lemonade. Go find somebody else to run a train on, Kal. I’m too smart for this.”

National Ice Cream Day ends in sodomy yet again

For the fifth straight year, Duluth’s National Ice Cream Day festivities have ended in a barrage of sodomy. Every single person at the event took part, with both men and women ritualistically sodomizing anything within their line of sight. People, animals, potted plants, and even aesthetically pleasing bicycle racks were sodomized with vicious efficiency. No one knows why every National Ice Cream Day ends this way. Once the event reached its predetermined end time at 8pm, the chaos stopped as quickly as it had begun.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Police Chief Brad Thurmon. “Every year the city plans a delightful family friendly ice cream social filled with games, musical performances and all the free ice cream people can eat, and every year it ends in a terrifying avalanche of sodomy. People, dogs, seagulls, even ladies’ hats! We’ve got an entire shop down here in Canal Park dedicated to fashionable ladies’ hats, and look at them now. Who’s going to want to wear these brutally sodomized hats now?”

Millions of innocent Pokemon kidnapped in worldwide holocaust

Charmander lights a cigarette with his tail and paces again to the window, checking the gate for visitors. He will repeat this routine every three to four minutes. Charmander is tense, irritable and quick to anger, yet overcome with exhaustion. This well-known Pokemon is fighting a losing battle with sleep, but right now it’s a luxury he simply can’t afford. He pops two more Adderall and paces back to the window again.

These are dangerous times for pocket monsters. Pokemon have always been hunted – the challenge was once a welcomed part of their daily lives – but with last week’s release of Pokemon Go for Android and iPhone, millions of brand new fans have access to unprecedented technology to hunt his kind relentlessly.

“It used to be fun,” said Charmander, clutching a crumpled cigarette pack in his hand like a stress ball. “When I wanted to fight, I left the house and found all the trouble I wanted. But the technology has advanced, man. These sons of bitches can track me now. They’re mobile. You ever seen the movie ‘Running Man’? It never stops, day or night. You don’t go looking for people anymore. Now people find you.”

A noise outside stirs Charmander into a frenzy. He dashes to the window to check the gate again.

Local father believes Finding Dory would have been better with nudity

Fred Dewey, local father of two, was a bit disappointed after watching Finding Dory, the summer’s latest blockbuster film. While the plot, musical accompaniment and directing were excellent, he felt it lacked the adult appeal that so many parents and Pixar fans have raved about.

“Everybody claims Pixar movies are as enjoyable for adults as they are for kids, so where are the tits?” said Dewey, bringing up a very legitimate and groundbreaking question that may shake our very nation at its core. “I’m tired of these movies where people say it will entertain adults but then there’s no cursing, violence or nudity. I didn’t see the fish drinking coffee or doing their taxes. What’s so damned adult about it? I might as well watch the aquarium at the pet store for two hours.”

Like most dads, Dewey believes every excellent film could be improved by adding enormous jiggling boobs. Examples given include Casino Royale, which was PG-13 but showed ample cleavage from its bosomy female characters, and Philadelphia, the 1993 film about AIDS that won Tom Hanks an Academy Award.