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Archives: Aug 2016

Minnesota’s smelliest gather at state fair

The old, weathered clock at the Minnesota State Fair strikes 6am, and Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar stand is already humming. The smell of cookies – so fresh and warm that they melt right into your soul as you eat them – blankets the fairgrounds with its spell, entrancing all who pass.

First to approach the stand is Aaron Brown, a 36-year-old man riding a medical scooter meant for the elderly. He raps his Freedom Wand against the booth counter, signaling that his face is ready for cookies.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said Brown, with a level of politeness that doesn’t exist outside the Midwest. “Could you fill my mouth with warm cookies until I die?”

“Sure thing, honey!” said the employee, grabbing a large paper funnel. “Open wide and we’ll just see how many we can cram in there. I’ll stop pushing when your eyes roll back in your head or you crap yourself.”

“Oh, you can keep going if I crap myself,” said Brown, loosening the belt on his pants. “Pay no heed to the noises coming from this chair, ma’am. If my mouth gets full, just stack more cookies on my forehead and around the opening of my gaw so they’re ready to be toppled in once there’s room.”

Olympic gold medal winner welcomed back to telemarketing job

After a whirlwind two week tour in Rio where she battled the most talented athletes the world has to offer and defeated them all, Olympic water polo gold medalist Tessa Banks returned to her $8 per hour telemarketing position Monday. Now that the games are over, she’s excited to get back to doing real work.

“Gold medals are great, but it’s nice to return to my normal routine,” said Banks, briefly removing her headset while the potential customer barraged her with racial slurs. “Traveling abroad can be stressful. It’s always a relief to come home and recharge your batteries a bit. I’m sorry sir, say that again? No, I’m afraid I can’t text you a photo of my vagina. Right, I understand. Well, these facecloths are made of Egyptian cotton, so it’s your loss.”

For fourth straight Olympics, Kylie Jenner wins zero medals

Team USA is dominating the competition in the Rio Olympics, but one athlete is falling far short of expectations. Professional Instagram user Kylie Jenner, daughter of 1976 decathlon gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner, has once again come away from the Olympics with zero medals.

Kylie, a socialite who is mainly known for unnecessary lip injections and makeup that takes two goddamn hours to apply, has finished dead last in every Olympic event for the two decades of her existence. American coaches are absolutely livid.

“It was a real shit show out here,” said Lacey Wang, Team USA’s badminton coach. “The Chinese whooped us, the Netherlands kicked our ass. The Netherlands! Kylie didn’t even show up. I mean, I know she wasn’t a member of our team, but c’mon. Her dad’s a gold medal winner. She’s got gold in her veins. She can’t stop by and lend a hand to her country? Jesus.”

Caucasian parents utterly terrified by dim sum restaurant

After nearly two hours of intense negotiation, the parents of Dana Breslin have agreed to join her and her new boyfriend for dinner at a dim sum restaurant. Included in the treaty is an agreement that no one will be forced to consume “weird things”, all mysterious sauces will be optional, and her father is allowed to bring a fork from home in case the restaurant doesn’t have any.

“What does this guy think we are, Chinese?” said Dana’s mom, nervously drumming her very pale fingers on the table. “He knows we’re not Chinese, right? Do they have chopsticks there, or is it like bowling where you bring your own equipment from home? Dana, you’ve told him that we’re not Chinese, right?”

Dana has explained to her Midwestern parents that dim sum is merely bite-sized Chinese food served in steamer baskets or small plates. While her argument was calm and reasoned, it was largely ignored by the terrified couple, who made a point to stuff their faces with potato chips and cookies before leaving for the restaurant.

Co-worker who played trance music without headphones found dead

Christian Elmore, age 24, known only by work colleagues as “the goddamn guy who plays goddamn trance music at his desk without goddamn headphones”, has been found dead. His body was discovered in a dumpster behind a jackoff magazine store, where it was being devoured by raccoons.

“Unce unce unce unce umpa umpa unce unce unce,” said co-worker Jane Henderson. “All fucking day. I cannot fathom what sort of horrible child abuse he must have suffered through to think weird thumping sounds and high-pitched, computer generated fart noises could be a song. Someone should burn his desk. It’s the only way to remove the infection.”

Elmore, who was otherwise a shy, pleasant person who never bothered anyone, quickly became the most hated person in the office when he started blasting electronic music throughout the work day. Other workers couldn’t complain for fear of having management ban everyone from playing music. Instead, they tried more subtle approaches.

“I spent an entire hour blasting Ace of Base’s ‘I Saw the Sign’ on a loop just to drown out his trance shit,” said Manny Paceda, who worked in the cubicle next to Elmore. “That son of a bitch just rolled with it, and it actually paid off. It sounded pretty good. The melody and the beats complimented each other quite well. God, I wish he were still alive so I could kick him in the groin right now.”