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Archives: Nov 2016

Well that escalated quickly

The workplace of Infinity Textiles was thrown into disarray this morning as the company announced it’s discontinuing employee HMO plans and only offering pricey PPO ones. CEO Chuck Woolrus flew into Minnesota himself to deliver the news, doing so in the most honest and efficient manner possible.

“Let me open by saying go fuck yourself,” said Woolrus. “There’s absolutely nothing you can do about this, so fuck you, fuck off, go fuck yourself and shut up. I don’t care about any of you or your dumb problems. If you have complaints, please toss them into a sack of honey roasted dicks and throw the bag and yourself into a ravine. Please hold all questions until I’ve left the premises. Thank you for your time, and also fuck you.”

HMO plans were $30 per month, but PPO ones will be a minimum of $174 monthly. Woolrus admitted he doesn’t like having to deliver news like this.

“I don’t like having to deliver news like this, mainly because it requires me to visit you,” said Woolrus. “I hate it here. This building sucks, this town sucks, and all of you are ugly. Super ugly. Your computers are old, which depresses me but not enough to buy you new ones. A lot of you look and dress as if you listen to Weird Al Yankovic cassette tapes in your car on the way to work. I feel absolutely nothing for you or your smelly hobo families. If you don’t like this, feel free to quit. We’ll just replace you with another person who looks like they listen to Weird Al Yankovic cassette tapes.”

Man eating pizza alone in darkened apartment had better Thanksgiving than all of us

“Welcome back home, honey! How was your flight?” said Fred Garvey, smiling nervously at his daughter across the dinner table.

“I fucking hate Trump,” said Brittany. “I can’t believe you voted for him!”

“Your mother and I didn’t vote, dear.”

“Not voting is a vote for Trump! You helped him win, you festering pile of dog shit! You and mom are the semen in Hitler’s dick!”

“We live in Oregon, Brittany. It’s not a battleground state. Are you ready for another crescent roll, or should we place it back in the fuhrer’s urethra to keep it warm?”

Reminder: Supermoon will cause erectile disfunction this week

The supermoon was out in full force Sunday night, the closest it will orbit to Earth in 2016. As we do each year, the Duluth Reader is providing this public service announcement that erectile disfunction, a normal part of each supermoon cycle, will be widespread this week. Please adjust your penis-related activities accordingly.

“Much as the end of daylight savings leads to darker evenings, the appearance of a supermoon leads to uncharacteristic erectile disfunction,” said scientist Braun Colby. “It’s a fact. It’s all very scientific and complicated, but it has to do with the tides, their distance to the moon and sciencey things like that. It’s perfectly normal and happens to every man, not just a few. It’s not us, it’s the supermoon.”

While difficult to explain without extensive charts and graphs far too complicated for this publication, the phenomenon is very, very legitimate. Every single man on the planet who attempts to copulate this week will find themselves devastatingly flaccid. No matter how much they try not to think about it or how many anti-anxiety medications they take to cure themselves of it, the best for which a man can hope this week is to achieve semi-limpness, like one of those inflatable wacky waving arm-flailing air dancers placed outside auto dealerships.

After months of hell, millions of Facebook refugees return home

It’s a chilly Wednesday afternoon, and the tundra is barren. What was once an area teeming with wildlife is now depleted of nearly every living thing. The midday sun reaches its peak over the mountains, revealing a small herd of Foodies exiting the safety of the brush to quench their thirst. For wildlife expert Jeff Santos, this is a sight that hasn’t been seen in months.

“This is one of the first signs of the social media ecosystem returning to stability,” exclaimed Santos, barely able to contain his excitement. “They’re sharing terrible photos of their half eaten food! My goodness, this is a very good omen! The herds are ready to return to the fruitful land from which they were once driven.”

Easily spooked, Foodies are the most common of the species found in social media. In a few weeks time, there will be a thriving community of millions reappearing in the ecosystem, drawing in far more cautious and useful wildlife that aren’t horrendously boring. While not the most intelligent or interesting of local species, they are the most desperate. Their sad need to share photos of their boring meals makes them the first to reappear after the controlled burn of an election cycle.

Tips for unintelligent voters like you

– In order to reduce wait times for other voters, try to decide between corruption, a bigoted apocalypse and hopeless idealism before it’s your turn at the voting booth.

– If you’ve always wanted to ride a unicycle naked while a crowd of 100 people are forced to watch against their will, the lines during election day are the best possible time to achieve this.

– It costs nearly $6.5 billion to hold an election, so try not to mess up the booth by doodling on the table or sticking your gum underneath it, mmkay?

– Sorry, “Let’s get this shit over with already” is not an option on the ballot.

– Remember that while mailing in your ballot early is the easiest method of voting, only standing in line on election day will get you out of work for a few hours.

– Do you guys like pizza? Why not sit at home and eat a pizza instead of voting?