Jolly Old Saint Nick, who shot to fame in the 1980s for delivering free presents to children based upon his own twisted system of justice, has died at the age of 1,746. The former philanthropist mysteriously went missing after neglecting to deliver an NES Classic to Duluth, MN humor columnist Paul Ryan.
The 37-year-old failed writer posted the following to Santa Claus’ Facebook page on Christmas morning: “Socks? I can’t play Tecmo Bowl on a pair of socks you senile old jerkoff! I’m gonna come up there to the North Pole, shove your whole fist up your own butt and leave you for dead in a garbage can!”
Santa was found dead Monday morning in a garbage can with his whole fist shoved up his own butt. Police have no leads in the investigation.
Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, Santa Claus played music on the London Underground train system before forming the music group “Wham!” with Andrew Ridgeley in 1981. Santa used the immense funds from the hit song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” to build his workshop in the North Pole and bankroll his Christmas-themed philanthropy organization.
The death of Santa continues a year of utter dogshit that also claimed the lives of David Bowie, Carrie Fisher and Parks and Recreation star Amy Poehler. Like Santa, many of the celebrities who died this year were also under the age of 1,747.
“It’s terrifying to see so many incredible people dying at such a young age,” said country music star Penis Weebly. “I didn’t really like Santa or his weird Christian present giving thing, but his fisting-related death is a stark reminder of my own mortality. I live in America, so if I die at a young age like 1,746, I’m not sure I’ll have enough in my retirement savings to keep my family secure. He was so young. It seems like just yesterday Santa was being arrested for public lewdness in a toilet stall.”
Throughout his career, Santa had frequent brushes with the law, most notably in 1998 when he was caught running a (non-profit) glory hole in the mens room of a Beverly Hills public restroom. He was arrested for the same offense in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2005, 2008 and twice last week. The first offense in 1998 was when American officials began requiring Santa to wear gloves while delivering presents.
Santa discussed the incident at length on The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder in 1998.
“Well Tom, there are many ways to give,” said Santa, crossing his legs elegantly. “How is fellating anonymous gentlemen in a smelly restroom any different than giving a small child a teddy bear? Both are acts of kindness, and both receiving parties are very grateful. And much like children, Toilet Gentlemen also run off immediately after getting what they want, sometimes forgetting to say thank you. Yet one act is illegal and the other is not.”
But most controversy revolved around Santa’s keeping of lists. Sporting both “naughty” and “nice” designations, similar to Richard Nixon and Chris Christie’s enemies lists, Santa would dole out either generous gifts or lumps of coal. Many questioned why one man with no particular experience in public service should be allowed to make such powerful decisions that affect so many.
“I never really understood his algorithm,” said Cindy Sherman, age 6. “I was good all year and only received a carton of cigarettes from my alcoholic father, which he quickly smoked himself before I could have any. Yet Travis the school bully, who smeared a dog turd in my hair a month ago, got a PS4. As far as I’m concerned, that fat old bastard can rot in hell.”
The controversy reached center stage in 1989, when a congressional inquiry put Santa on the stand to testify. The proceedings were heated, to say the least.
“You want to give coal? Fine, but when people count on presents as part of their salary, what you do is unconscionable,” said South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, who was reportedly the only person in history to never receive anything for Christmas. “What gives you the right to play God?”
“It’s my money, so I get to choose who to give presents to, you smug cunt!” retorted Santa, his 1989 personality a bit feistier than the kind and gentle persona of his elder years. “You want this money, bitch? No problem. Just go write a song like ‘Young Guns (Go For It)’. That album hit number one on the UK charts and stayed in the top 40 for 131 weeks. Good luck, motherfucker!”
Thurmond reportedly walked with a limp until his death in 2003 because of Santa’s behavior on the 132nd day of the proceedings, when he wrapped barbed wire around his knuckles and sucker punched Thurmond in the groin. The inquiry ended with no action being taken.
The current Mrs. Claus, cosplayer and Instagram model Jessica Nigri, said funeral services for Santa will be held Jan 2 at Kremsky’s Discount Crematorium in Superior, WI. The drunken afterparty and complimentary sushi bar will be held in the Beverly Hills public restroom later that week.
Future present delivering duties on Christmas will be taken over by White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus.