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Archives: Dec 2016

Ho ho nooo! Santa Claus dead at age 1,746

Jolly Old Saint Nick, who shot to fame in the 1980s for delivering free presents to children based upon his own twisted system of justice, has died at the age of 1,746. The former philanthropist mysteriously went missing after neglecting to deliver an NES Classic to Duluth, MN humor columnist Paul Ryan.

The 37-year-old failed writer posted the following to Santa Claus’ Facebook page on Christmas morning: “Socks? I can’t play Tecmo Bowl on a pair of socks you senile old jerkoff! I’m gonna come up there to the North Pole, shove your whole fist up your own butt and leave you for dead in a garbage can!”

Santa was found dead Monday morning in a garbage can with his whole fist shoved up his own butt. Police have no leads in the investigation.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, Santa Claus played music on the London Underground train system before forming the music group “Wham!” with Andrew Ridgeley in 1981. Santa used the immense funds from the hit song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” to build his workshop in the North Pole and bankroll his Christmas-themed philanthropy organization.

Original script for ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ recovered

The Duluth Reader has uncovered a rare gem, discovering the first draft of Charles Schulz’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” television special while cleaning behind their toilet. We’re proud to present it to you unedited. This is the real version Schulz wrote before CBS censored it. Enjoy!

 
Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and piss all over it. If getting free shit makes you depressed, maybe it’s time to end it all.

Charlie: Wow. Aren’t you the religious one? That’s pretty cold, brah.

Linus: Just because I’m religious doesn’t mean I’m a pussy, Charlie Brown. You know which hardware stores sell rope. No need to tell me about it. Either do it or stop being a drama queen.

Weird friend still talking about election

Multiple sources have confirmed what so many Americans have feared: That Richfield, MN resident Todd Clarkson is still talking about the 2016 presidential election. The 24-year-old is the last remaining American still concerned that Donald Trump is the new Grand Wizard of our flaming tire yard of a democracy.

Americans – all of whom have totally moved on by now – were shocked that the convenience store worker didn’t have more important matters on his mind.

“Is Todd aware there’s a new Baywatch movie coming out?” said Fran Barkenson of West Virginia. “I feel like he wouldn’t be so disillusioned with the imminent death of America’s integrity and safeguards if he knew what The Rock was cookin’. Have you seen that guy’s biceps? I’ll bet he either has a huge dong or a super tiny one. I predict $30 million opening weekend based on moms wanting to see floppy PG-13 dickshorts. Even Putin can’t interfere with that! If he did, Americans wouldn’t stand for it.”

Even complete weirdos who voted for Evan McMullin and Jill Stein in November have completely shut up about the unending corruption and despair that’s about to consume our entire existence. It’s difficult to understand why stupid Todd won’t do the same.

Overly thoughtful gift ruins Christmas

Things were going fine at the Wu household. Just fine. The stockings were hung like Peter North, the tree was as decorated as Colonel Sanders, and Uncle Larry bathed himself in marmalade as he had done for the past seventeen Christmases. Yes, everything was downright dandy in the Wu household until Christmas morning, when Danielle Wu sent shockwaves through the relationship community by gifting a new cellphone to her boyfriend, Brandon.

“What the hell? That’s like $600!” said Brandon, a look of pure terror flooding across his face. “When did we make this jump? Are we engaged? I need time to ease into these big life changes. We overnight went from cute breakfast in bed gifts to shelling out half a grand for each other. Is she insane? We’ve only been dating for two years!”

Brandon was especially humiliated upon the reveal of his own gift to Danielle. Wrapped thoughtfully in beautiful tissue paper, the framed photo of the two of them at the beach was only $30, but the excellent presentation made it look to be worth at least $35. Brandon chose the photo because it shows off Danielle’s ample cleavage.