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Archives: Jan 2017

Judges cranky about having to come in on weekend to save democracy

The president’s order blocking immigrants from seven predominantly Muslim countries had major parts of the order struck down by the courts this weekend. And the judges were none too happy about coming in on a weekend.

“What is this, fucking amateur hour?” said a groggy Judge Ann M. Donnelly of Brooklyn’s Federal District Court, static cling leaving parts of her seafoam green bathrobe visible under her judicial robe. “I have to trudge over here at 8am on a goddamn Saturday for this bullshit? If you wanna be a fucking idiot, do it on a weekday. No, you can’t block people with valid visas from entering the country just because they’re Middle-Eastern. Jesus Christ, son. The whole world is watching. Put your flaccid dick back in your pants where it belongs.”

After the decision was signed, Judge Donnelly cracked open a grenade bottle of Mickey’s malt liquor.

“Sweet Christ, what a hangover,” said Judge Donnelly. “I can’t so much as take a dump without these morons giving me some new idiocy to unravel.”

Moments after Judge Donnelly’s decision, an equally cranky Judge Leonie M. Brinkema of Virginia’s Federal District Court handed down a similar decision.

Kirby Puckett underpants, Croatian prostitutes and a hot tub filled with pumpkin spice lattes: Ryan’s inauguration as Columnist of the Year

As the first act of his term, Columnist Ryan went vaping with local youths outside the Spur station. The Columnist-Elect initially lost favor with the youths by saying “Some pretty sweet vapes, huh guys?” but regained their trust after agreeing to buy them a case of Keystone Light. The $9.57 was billed to local taxpayers.

Columnist Ryan attended a tea and LSD reception hosted by Duluth News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook and three of his favorite squirrels. Held in the South Portico wing of Cook’s 600-acre mansion – which is filled almost entirely with live squirrels – the festivities ended with both columnists photocopying their buttocks and publishing the results in the Jan 26 edition of the News-Tribune. If your edition is missing this insert, call the newspaper at (218) 723-5281 to request one.

Please buy leggings from me on Facebook

Hey folks! Where do you wanna go? That’s right, to Uncle Paul’s Online Leggings Emporium! I’ve transformed my personal Facebook page full of sad, blurry cat photos into a virtual showroom of tacky leggings! Dress yourself in the same stain-hiding patterns used for decorating the seats of city buses! We’ve got leggings patterns so busy that it will look like someone barfed all over your legs!

Made with space age polyester, our leggings are thin enough to rip off in a fit of passion and slingshot at Justin Bieber’s limo, yet thick enough to technically qualify as not rubbing your bare ass all over your own furniture, Ramblings Leggings come with a laminated certificate that guarantees the certificate is laminated. You won’t get that if you buy these smelly fart catchers from LuLaRoe!

Or will you? Who knows! Those hacks copy our sweet deals all the time! (Note: Our stock is purchased directly from LuLaRoe)

Impoverished? Don’t have a job? Not to worry. Nearly 195 percent of people who buy Ramblings Leggings end up selling them to even bigger idiots for twice the price! A recent pair of leggings thought to have been sneezed on by Magnum PI star Tom Selleck recently sold for $32, a steep increase over the $25 retail price. One lady’s sweaty used leggings is another lady’s sweaty used treasure!

Report: News-Tribune columnists smell like poo

Only days before the polls closed for the annual Best of the Northland competition, a startling report was leaked proving without any shred of doubt that Duluth News-Tribune columnists Christa Lawler, Sam Cook and Beverly Godfrey all smell like poo. Specifically siamese cat poo. This report has been confirmed by 1,147 independent sources.

“I’ve dedicated my life to the truth, and the truth is that they smell like poop,” said Dean Baquet, editor of the New York Times. “People should vote for Paul Ryan as best columnist. He carries the natural scent of freshly peeled bananas. It’s amazing. We’ve received billions of complimentary letters. Paul Ryan is a gift to our nation, and from what I hear, quite the sexy beefcake.”

While the “beefcake” designation has not yet been proven, it’s widely known that Ryan is devastatingly handsome and has leagues of attractive women weeping in the streets over their failure to tame his rugged bad boy demeanor.

Impressive co-worker still drunk on Jan 3

Employees across the nation begrudgingly shuffled back into work earlier this week, depressed that the holidays have ended. Yet one office remains vibrant. At Duncan Poogly LLC, 23-year-old Justine Bulger removes her shirt and swings it around her head like a medieval flail. It’s been nearly three full days since the new year was rung in, and Justine is still drunk.

The innovative employee made an important discovery over the holidays. Though the 2017 world is one of President Trump and his Republican supermajority, Justine realized this reality could be completely erased by alcohol. By carefully mixing a bottle of Everclear with a bottle of pure grain alcohol, the resulting liquid allows her to remain drunk indefinitely. This trendy Everclear Diet is also vegan-friendly and kosher.

The minimal side effects include continuous fistfights, continuous vomiting and irreparable damage to the liver likely leading to death within one year. Justine has also committed various felonies while driving her car to work, but other than the small child she ran over, the Everclear Diet has been a smashing success. Happy and carefree for the first time in nearly a decade, Justine’s damaged brain only requires her to do a fresh countdown to the new year every 40 minutes, to keep the lie real in her mind.