The president’s order blocking immigrants from seven predominantly Muslim countries had major parts of the order struck down by the courts this weekend. And the judges were none too happy about coming in on a weekend.
“What is this, fucking amateur hour?” said a groggy Judge Ann M. Donnelly of Brooklyn’s Federal District Court, static cling leaving parts of her seafoam green bathrobe visible under her judicial robe. “I have to trudge over here at 8am on a goddamn Saturday for this bullshit? If you wanna be a fucking idiot, do it on a weekday. No, you can’t block people with valid visas from entering the country just because they’re Middle-Eastern. Jesus Christ, son. The whole world is watching. Put your flaccid dick back in your pants where it belongs.”
After the decision was signed, Judge Donnelly cracked open a grenade bottle of Mickey’s malt liquor.
“Sweet Christ, what a hangover,” said Judge Donnelly. “I can’t so much as take a dump without these morons giving me some new idiocy to unravel.”
Moments after Judge Donnelly’s decision, an equally cranky Judge Leonie M. Brinkema of Virginia’s Federal District Court handed down a similar decision.
“All right, which one of you dipshits denied entry to people with green cards?” said Judge Brinkema, her mouth still half full of Rice Chex and sliced bananas. “Banning our own citizens. Good lord. Quit acting like a damned fool. You live in New York, don’t you? Tell me what’s written on that giant fucking statue y’all stare at every day. No, I’m not going to tell you what it says because then you won’t learn anything. That’s right, it says we take in immigrants. Especially ones that have already been granted citizenship, you goddamn idiots.”
The judicial roadblocks continued Sunday, as even more judges found themselves performing Constitution tilling instead of Netflix and chilling.
“Sweet balls, it’s Sunday fucking afternoon,” said Judge Allison D. Burroughs of Massachusetts Federal District Court, spitting in her hand and putting out a cigarette as she entered the courtroom. “Sunday afternoon! Do you know what I was doing when I was called in to deal with your paranoid, xenophobic wet dreams? I was porking my husband. We’re middle-aged, so that doesn’t happen a lot. The atmosphere was perfect. The warm morning sun was peeking through the curtains, leaving us feeling toasty and cozy. We hadn’t had any arguments in a while. He had been very thoughtful and polite to my mother over the phone recently. It was nothing but green lights to Funkytown as far as the eye could see, and then you fucking clowns and your Playskool dictatorship made my phone ring. I’m issuing a restraining order to halt the detaining or deporting of anyone. Go fuck yourself and have a lovely fucking weekend.”
Burroughs then handed the paperwork to United States Magistrate Judge Gail Dein, who co-signed it and angrily filed it, slamming the drawer shut super hard.
“Eat a dick,” said Judge Dein to the drawer.
The Department of Homeland Security – who are likely regretting their unfortunate career choices right now – were surprisingly neutral on the issue.
“Ummm yeah, I was told this was a token position and I could just surf the internet in my office all day,” said John F. Kelly, Secretary of Homeland Security. “The fact that I have to speak to you right now is some bullshit. C’mon guys. I’m barely even halfway through Season 2 of ‘Fuller House’ in my office. Can’t I have a few more days before this mess starts? I’m just saying, the bricks we’re setting for a new Holocaust will still be there in the morning after I find out what happens to DJ and newly introduced heartthrob Matt.”
Secretary Kelly then tried unsuccessfully to close the door to his office, but was thwarted by the mob of reporters.
“Fine, here’s what we’re gonna do,” said Secretary Kelly. “We’re gonna comply with the judges by not banning brown people, but we’re also gonna be huge dickholes to brown people in airports. After a few weeks of pretending we’re only armchair fascists, we’ll have the president fart on a child or do something else distracting so we can start fully banning Muslims for no reason again. That’s pretty fair, right? A nice compromise?”
It was a rough weekend for everyone, both judges and fascist dictators alike. Even the president seemed overwhelmed by the weight of it all.
“To be honest, I didn’t realize how much work discriminating against people was going to be,” said President Trump. “I thought it would be easy. Stamp this, ship some refugees back home to be slaughtered, get my check and head to Dave and Busters. I’m just trying to get to the weekend like everyone else, but sentencing real live human beings to certain death takes a tremendous amount of time and effort. I had to stay until 6:30pm last night. This job is supposed to be fun, but it’s really bumming me out, man.”