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Archives: May 2017

Report: It’s almost June and you haven’t done crap yet

The latest report is in and it strongly confirms what the entire nation has feared: that you personally are a lazy piece of shit. It’s nearly June and you’ve accomplished nothing this year, gone nowhere and achieved little beyond drinking yourself to sleep while watching old episodes of Frasier. The nation is utterly disappointed in you.

You spent all of January meticulously planning a workout regimen you never used. February was spent plotting against your significant other to protect the prime placement of your He-Man collectibles in the den. March was five degrees chillier than normal so you completely stopped functioning that month. April and May were spent worrying about how you’ve done nothing this year. At least you know.

Each day you coast through work, get super high before dinner and then spend the rest of the evening watching movie trailers on YouTube while daydreaming that you made them and are revealing them at a special screening for all the people you hate. This sad routine allows you to pay your rent, but does not constitute any actual accomplishments.

Your guide to Fidget Spinners, a stupid thing no one will care about in six months

What are fidget spinners?
Remember back when you had a flip phone, and it was kinda fun to flip it open and closed over and over again, and you’d have to remind yourself to stop doing it so much because you were afraid you’d become one of those weird guys at the bus station who makes little noises for no reason? Fidget spinners serve the same function. They give high-functioning mentally ill people a calming bit of busywork to focus on so they don’t physically attack others.

Seriously, what is this shit? I can’t Google it! I’m under 30 and intimidated by large uninterrupted paragraphs of text!
Fidget spinners are small mechanical devices with multiple paddle-shaped blades attached to a central core. Flick the blades with your finger and they spin. They’re collectible, and great entertainment for spaz kids and adults who must touch a doorknob exactly seven times before exiting a room.

Collectible? So it’s like pogs that actually do something?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pogs are cool! There is subtle craftwork to these misunderstood works of art. For example, the 1994 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Power Pog Pack has a simplistic “I spent four years studying graphic design and I don’t give a shit about this humiliating pog assignment, so here’s character artwork on a plain yellow background” style of punk rock credibility that is a feast for the eyes once the mind has been enlightened to its rich backstory.

Smurfette found dead in gym bag

County Coroner Brevin Bufang rises before dawn and covers his penis with multiple layers of clothing. He fixes a light breakfast of bacon and orange juice, but no eggs. Eggs make him nauseous.

In a warehouse downtown, a pair of small black eyes peer out of a desecrated gym bag. A severed blue head, lifeless but still terrified in its expression, patiently awaits discovery inside. A few locks of golden hair, still soft to the touch and remarkably shiny, curl their way around the zipper before becoming frayed and twisted in its teeth. To anyone born in the 1980s, there’s no mistaking the bag’s contents. Smurfette – the sex kitten who once shook the bourgeois cartoon world to its very core – has been murdered.

The 1980s were the perfect backdrop for blue girls who just wanted to have fun, and Smurfette was the bluest bitch in town. In 1983, she gained notoriety by deflowering Diff’rent Strokes actor Gary Coleman, who was a mere 15 years old at the time. In 1985, she completely shattered her innocent persona by posing for a sultry pictorial in Buttfuckers Magazine. In 1988, she was banned from the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards for throwing a lit crack pipe at host Tony Danza.

Crayola unveils new color, seduces your mom

For the first time in four thousand years, Crayola has added a color to their crayon box. The latest addition is a brilliant pinkish-mauve color affectionately named “pussyflaps”. This new color will be sliding in and out of everyone’s box this fall.

The new hue replaces “Goatse Bluewaffle”, a less popular color that was banned by the Russian government in March. Previous Crayola crayons retired for ethical purposes include “Jizzberry”, “Lemony Dicket”, “Hitler’s Menstruation” and “<====3”.

The scene at Crayola headquarters in Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania was vibrant following Friday’s new color announcement, with employees so filled with joy that many could only satisfy their crayon lust by overturning cars and smashing neighborhood storefronts. Nearly 40 vehicles were overturned and lit on fire by lunchtime, and dozens of storefronts have been looted of all non-pussyflaps colored items. The phrase “Pussyflaps 4 LYFE” was also shaved into the butt of 17 different stray cats.

An erotic guide to the North Korean conflict

– This conflict began in 2017 when North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un faxed US President Donald Trump a photocopy of his balls. Many officials initially believed the gesture to be a friendly one, causing Jong-Un to respond by Snapchatting a video of a goat’s butt to Trump. Again, with White House officials relatively inexperienced in foreign diplomacy, everyone was unsure whether it was an insult or not, so Jong-Un just texted Trump and told him to eat a dick.

– After American battleships made their presence known along the coast, North Korea responded with a show of their military might, which consisted of a failed missile launch and a fancy parade. So you can see how important it is that we pre-emptively strike them with nuclear weapons as soon as possible.

– America recently deployed its THAAD anti-ballistic missile system in South Korea, to help intercept any North Korean attacks. But for a limited time, Americans who are Amazon Prime members, own the deluxe version of the Amazon Echo household listening device and use voice controls to order a pizza from Domino’s will be allowed to control the THAAD anti-missile system for five seconds each, protecting our nation however they choose. Buy now before it’s too late! [Sponsored content]