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Archives: Jun 2017

New healthcare bill requires everyone to poo on each other

In a startling discovery just being noticed by senators who support it, the new GOP health care bill will require all Americans to poo on fellow patients to retain coverage. The act, referred to on page 124 of the bill as a “meadow muffin”, will be a monthly requirement to retain coverage. Millions of protesters blocked all entrances and exits to the capital Monday, forcing senators to actually read the bill before voting on it.

“‘Patients with diabetes will not receive care until they find a more sickly diabetic and drop a meadow muffin on them, preferably without their knowledge and preferably from very high up so the results are more amusing,’” said Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA), reading directly from the health care bill he’s been tirelessly campaigning for the past few weeks. “‘Proof of this act must be submitted to the insurer in the form of a photo wherein both the pooper and the poopee are giving a hearty thumbs up.’ Good Lord. I should really start reading these bills before I support them.”

While it’s widely known that politicians don’t read every bill, most Americans falsely believe their representatives at least read the important and controversial ones. The surprised look on the face of Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL) Monday as he read the more unique requirements of his party’s health care plan showed that belief to be a bit naive.

Community survey: How often do packs of wild millennials ravage your garden and devour your small dogs?

For as long as anyone can remember, people have made fun of millennials. You don’t have jobs. You live with your parents. You love wearing really unattractive eyeglasses. You work eight hours per day as a Lyft driver and then spend an additional four hours streaming professionally on Twitch, and neither of those things are real goddamn jobs you lazy, worthless bastards.

Long story short, old people don’t understand you. They think you watch actual TV channels and use your phone to call people. To help us understand your generation better, please fill out the following condescending survey. Did I say us? I meant them. I’m really cool. Seriously.

1) Historians often describe millennials as listless, sexless drifters who spend all day getting high and playing video games while their dog sleeps in their lap. Sometimes millennials subsist for months at a time only on bowls of hummus. Are these accusations true? If not, then why the hell not? Feel free to use as many expletives as necessary in your answer.

2) Assuming the description in question 1 is correct, is there any way the rest of us could “get in” on this “action”? I work every day and can confirm that it’s a vastly overrated experience.

3) Why do you say “bro” all the time? If James Franco is forcing you to at gunpoint, blink hard twice. I knew it! That fucker!

I got all these Adam West underpants for sale

Hey there pal, do you have a minute? It’s just that I have all these underpants with Adam West’s face on them and, coincidentally, he is now dead. Also coincidentally, I am selling these Adam West underpants for $350 each. For every sale, a portion of the licensing fees I did not pay would have gone toward Adam West’s personal bank account.

You want red underpants? I’ve got red underpants. You want blue ones? Join the club, that’s standard Batman underpants coloring! Of course we have those! We have everything! Yellow, black, white, orange? Jump on this underpants train before it leaves Booty Station! Do you want plaid underpants? Well fuck off. I don’t have plaid. That’s just ridiculous. I’m selling things I found in a dumpster. Don’t be so particular.

But seriously, I do have many, many underoos and Adam West is very, very dead. These two facts are not a coincidence. I’m not one who normally believes in fate, but I once got laid after sitting through the film “Love Always”, so fate is an idea I associate with very positively. Some might say I’m an expert on fate. Want proof? Look at all these goddamn Adam West underpants in my house! He croaked for a reason! I’m about to be richer than Dan Hanger!

I don’t want to suggest that Adam West died so I could sell you these underpants, but he did and I am. The planets have aligned, Adam West is being eaten by the secret mole people who inhabit the lands beneath us, and I’ve got buttloads of underpants with his face on them just waiting for their forever home. Adopt these butt covers ASAP!

New Wonder Woman film chock full of family fun, man nipples

The new Wonder Woman film begins typically enough. A smelly 700-foot-tall walrus has wandered into the city. As walruses are known to do, it immediately begins robbing liquor stores. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal that Wonder Woman is already on the scene! Chris Pine gives the performance of a lifetime as the Amazonian princess, bludgeoning the walrus to death and using the meat to make southwestern style sandwiches for everyone.

Pine’s subtlety as Wonder Woman is a breath of fresh air. Gone are the days of elaborate superhero outfits with giant floppy Lynda Carter boobs that just get in the way of the action. Pine’s sleek, flat-chested form and understated commoner attire allows his Wonder Woman to be more aerodynamic and relatable. Whether he’s punching Nazis, running over Nazis with a motorcycle or arguing on the phone with a Nazi internet service provider who simply will not remove the installation fee, Pine’s modest, proportional breasts provide a fresh, innovative Wonder Woman experience.

Plain-looking Israeli model Gal Gadot does well as hapless sidekick Steve Trevor. Her outfit provides the film’s only downside, with her gaudy red armor, gold with red star headband and golden lasso looking a bit elaborate for a sidekick. Fortunately, Pine’s seasonally-colored turtleneck sweater makes it clear which character is truly wondrous.