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Archives: Aug 2017

Eight months of not being a douche

When Sally Wiener made a new year’s resolution to be less of a douche, she didn’t think she’d last a week. Eight months later, the 68-year-old has set a new world record for non-douchebaggery. No one has ever gone this long without being a complete asshole to someone.

“If I’m being honest, I thought I’d last a good four or five days before blurting out a horrible, horrible slur,” said Wiener, who used to take great joy in being a stubborn, arrogant, hate-filled bastard. “I thought for sure I’d anonymously mail my daughter one of her dog’s errant turds or key someone’s car just because they’re richer than me.”

The key to Wiener’s success was learning how much easier life becomes once you stop giving a shit about it. Her job, family, friends, children, pets, country and chosen God used to cause her immeasurable amounts of stress and frustration. She now ceases to give a fat shit about any of them, and she’s never been happier.

Here are your ancestry results, loser

Thank you for spitting into an envelope and mailing it to us! Below are the results of your Ancestry Heritage Review, showing you exactly which loins you spawned from and where to deflect the blame for all your unbearable flaws:

0% Nazi. We just wanted to get this one out of the way first. We know it’s a sensitive subject right now and you were probably a bit nervous since your mom voted for Trump. We wanted you to know that you weren’t born a Nazi. However, that doesn’t mean you’re not one now. Maybe ease up a little on your roommate for not cleaning out the refrigerator, Frau Frigidaire.

100% Ugly. Ha! We always throw this classic joke into the reports we give people. We’re very amusing. I’ll bet you didn’t know ancestry experts were such a spicy bunch. Well now you do, pretty lady. We’re very mysterious and exciting. Pretty cool guys over here. If you’re not busy this weekend, maybe we could go get a drink sometime? Text us: (218) 730-5400.

Breaking News: White people agree to stop being racist

In light of recent atrocities in Charlottesville, white people everywhere held a meeting Tuesday where they voted to stop being horrible, horrible bigots. This landmark civil rights achievement, which passed with 53 percent support, is the first time white people have collectively agreed to not be dicks about something.

Perhaps most impressive is that white people also agreed to not sit passively by while other members of their race do horrible things. Each Nazi march, murder of a minority by police or unwarranted promotion of Tim Tebow through baseball’s minor leagues now requires a minimum of one angry social media post per white person, with white privilege taken away for each violation.

“It’s not hard, just type ‘Fuck Nazis’ into Facebook and hit enter,” said Ben Affleck, head spokesperson for all white people since 1997. “Otherwise, good luck staying out of prison. Without white privilege, there are only like five things you can do in public without being arrested, and none of them include taking hitting a $50 vape pen. Seriously, this is an easy deal. You don’t have to kill Hitler yourself, you just have to stop talking about how the permits for his genocide march are technically valid.”

Screw it. I’m just gonna make up a story about Care Bears and pretend that’s a column. You can’t stop me. I can literally do whatever I want

DULUTH, MN – Police are searching for suspects in the murder of Tenderheart Bear, one of the ten original Care Bears that debuted on American Greetings cards and television specials in the early 1980s. Tenderheart Bear was always the most popular Care Bear, known for helping people show and express their feelings. That agenda apparently didn’t go over too well with Twin Ports locals.

“I’m at the bar and this goddamn bear just walks up and hugs me, telling me I’m special and he hopes I have a wonderful day,” said Don Hardt, a local heating and air conditioning repairman. “So naturally, I punched him in the face. What the hell kind of thing is that to say to a person? You wanna hug me, it better be because you helped me land a record breaking walleye, and you better apologize immediately afterward for doing it.”

Northlanders tend to be very quiet and introverted, removing themselves from any situation that involves emotions or affection. Touching is especially off limits. Even just a pat on the shoulder is considered a very bold move that requires at least five years of friendship before attempting. Hugging, as Tenderheart Bear quickly learned, is only allowed if one of the two people involved is dying.

Wisconn Valley Employee Handbook

Welcome to Wisconn Valley, your new Foxconn owned Wisconsin factory! We make Apple computer monitors, and you paid us $3 billion in tax breaks in exchange for 3,000 guaranteed jobs! ROTFLMAO! We’re honored that you want us to bring our centuries-old slave labor techniques to America, where greedy corporations have already spent decades steadily dragging citizens toward longer hours, lower pay and fewer benefits. Please review the following employee handbook to help empower your servitude:

– Work shifts can be long at Foxconn. If you’ve been hot gluing displays for 16 hours straight and feel like you’re going to suicide, please choose a quiet method like swallowing too many pills or lynching yourself in the privacy of your on-site closet home. Jumping off the roof is very crass.

– Did we say you’d be hot gluing displays? Haha, that’s ridiculous! Robots do that. Robots do everything. Robots wrote this handbook. Hello! I’m a robot!