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Archives: Oct 2017

Mrs. Fields Cookies chooses ejaculating robot as new logo

Desperate for customers in an increasingly anti-cookie world, Mrs. Agnes Butthole-Fields, the great granddaughter of company founder Mrs. Gertrude Butthole-Fields, has chosen to rebrand her iconic Mrs Fields cookie dynasty. Their innovative choice of new logos has some questioning whether catering to millennials is more important than community standards for decency.

Unleashing their new logo in front of a crowd of thousands, Mrs. Fields herself pulled back the tarp to reveal a 25-foot statue of a logo that could only be described as a robot aggressively ejaculating onto another robot’s face. Mrs. Fields’ new logo is not the least bit abstract nor open to interpretation. It very specifically shows the grisly moment in which a very exhausted and oily robot, having bested his rival, moves to humiliate him as a final mark of superiority that will be forever immortalized in artwork and songs throughout all future robot generations.

“Dogs often hump others as a show of dominance, but robots are generally not programmed that way outside of Thailand,” said Dr. Lacey Fahts, a world-renowned behavioral specialist. “The logo is scientifically and anatomically correct. The engineering behind the curvature of the robot penis and its payload trajectory are superb. It just seems unlikely that robots with virtually unlimited computing potential would choose such a curious way of determining rank.”

Bastard parents arrested for sophisticated candy theft ring

Nearly 77.3 million parents are under suspicion this week in the bust of a candy theft ring many are calling a nationwide conspiracy. Children who silently endured these delicious, creamy, nougat-filled lies are finally speaking out.

“This has been going on for years,” said Molly Shawn, age 4. “I thought the so-called Halloween candy ‘tax’ was a law. They told me it was a real law! I’ve been blindly handing over my best loot for years and almost everything these blithering cunts told me has been a bald-faced lie to help them steal my candy!”

Parents impersonated numerous government officials over the years, from made-up “candy inspectors” of various ranks and departments to bogus “quality assurance testers” that seemed to be testing candy that had already passed FDA approval as well as independent testing years prior.

Defense attorney Scott Lars Poon said the extra safety checks are valid because it’s better to be safe than sorry.

“Look, I don’t want my dumb kid to die because he’s a stupid idiot,” said Poon, his mouth covered in melted chocolate. “What’s wrong with checking candy twice? It’s candy given to a child by a stranger. We can’t be extra safe? We need these extra candy inspections to safeguard the top-shelf stuff! Ain’t nobody gonna poison a Tootsie Roll! That landfill fodder will sit around for decades before anyone eats it. These selfish kids need to check their privilege.”

Best Bets For TV This Fall!! Helpful list for shut-ins and vape douches!!

Mr. Robot
Wed | 9pm | USA
A show paid for by a corporation and aired on a network also run by corporations, all of them collaborating together to fund a TV show about how evil corporations are and how great it would be if they all collapsed and their buildings burnt to the ground with all their employees inside. Late stage capitalism at its finest. Regardless, the show is beautifully shot and every episode is the prettiest conspiracy theory porn you’ll ever watch, so you’ll likely put up with the hypocrisy.

Sunday | 9pm | HBO
Do you like boobs, but in an untraditional way? I mean, the show has colossal fart-tons of naked boobs but it’s android boobs. Almost all the characters in this show are sex robots, so they’re usually naked but also bloody and half sliced open. It’s really hard to jerk off while watching. I had to close my eyes and think about Game of Thrones just to finish. YMMV.

Vikings vs. Ravens
Sunday | noon | FOX
Grown men in purple hats and yellow stripey pants battle other grown men in purple stripey hats and yellow finger gloves for supreme dominance of a game in which cameras from various angles decide if people did a thing or not. Three hours of this makes most viewers understandably angry toward anything not dipped adequately in nacho cheese, ketchup and Natty Light.

Thousands dead as yet another NFL player kneels during Anthem

The death toll reached 3,000 this week as a record number of San Francisco 49ers players knelt during the National Anthem. Wheelbarrows full of dead OCD hillbillies were still being carted out of the streets long into the night as Americans everywhere prayed for a peaceful end to all this kneeling.

It’s common knowledge that the only time it’s acceptable to kneel during our Anthem is if you were recently kicked in the groin. The pure disrespect of someone with unmangled testicles kneeling causes untold numbers of Americans to instantly die of a heart attack every week.

“There’s a million other ways NFL players could protest. I don’t see why they have to choose a method that’s so violent,” said longtime fan Billy Jo Bangle, age 68. “I understand they want to reach an audience of millions of inbred hillbillies and an NFL game is a great way to do that. I just wish they could find a peaceful way of protesting that doesn’t murder thousands of innocent people.”

The vicious gang of wealthy NFL elites who started this reign of terror, nicknamed “The Murderous Twelve”, are led by bloodthirsty afro-wielding ringleader Colin Kaepernick. The Twelve have been quietly using their knees at every opportunity, even when children and the elderly are present. Sometimes kneeling to tie their shoelaces or remove a pebble from their shoe, other times to start a bloodbath that murders thousands, what’s certain is these damned knees are having a brutal impact on the nation.

Local man can’t find anyone else on Earth who’s watched new Star Trek show

Perennial loser, frequent inebriate, occasional douchebag and non-active Wikipedian Paul Ryan expressed dismay this week that he simply can’t find another human being on the planet who has seen the new Star Trek TV show. CBS opted to make the episodes only available through their own streaming service that costs as much as Netflix yet only contains the mind-numbing mediocrity of CBS shows.

When given the choice to either pay $72 annually just to watch Star Trek or tell CBS to go fuck itself, the entirety of humanity currently alive on this planet unified in choosing the latter option. All of humanity except Ryan.

“Hey guys, I’m really interested in talking about the new Star Trek show,” wrote Ryan in a desperate post repeated urgently across all his social media accounts. “What did you think about the Klingons? Don’t they look like the Uruk-hai in Lord of the Rings? Ha! Trust me, you would have found that statement both accurate and charmingly amusing had you been stupid enough to pay $6 to watch a single fucking TV show.”