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Archives: Nov 2017

Dog lightly snoring while sprawled out in sunbeam elected US Senator

Not since JFK has America elected a candidate based solely on their attractiveness, but Minnesota’s newest senator may be handsome enough to break the entire mold of modern politicians.

An adorable puppy lightly snoring while sprawled out in a sunbeam has won the hearts of registered voters in Minnesota, and without being accused of a single sexual assault charge! Men and women alike seem drawn to the newest, warmest, softest US senator who recently had a bath and meekly licks your face when disturbed from his sunlit slumber.

Lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam is replacing former senator Al Franken, who was thrown out of office like the disgusting piece of trash he is after it was discovered that he thrust his tongue down a woman’s throat without permission in 2006 and grabbed another woman’s buttcheeks at the state fair in 2010. Voters claim the dog is better trained than Franken.

Thanksgiving day entertainment ideas

1) Watch Ernest Saves Christmas for the one thousandth time because you’re stuck in your parents’ house and it’s either this or stare at a blank wall for the next 96 hours. There’s no booze and their dog keeps trying to rub his butt on you and it keeps leaving a mark on your jeans and all there is to do is eat and make small talk with your weird deadbeat uncle who collects Garfield stuffed animals and eat and die a little more inside and then eat.

2) Buy a mediocre joint off your weird uncle and watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. Imagine what each balloon would look like with giant genitalia dragging behind it, crushing anyone who dared enter its path. Thousands would perish under its deadly weight, refusing to believe that a giant dong was about to crush their home. They would be sorry later, when the brutal carnage was far too late to fix.

3) Maybe anarchy is the answer? Four days of living with your parents can drive a person to such things. If you have to endure this, why doesn’t everyone? Maybe all those dumb feelings you’ve had of being left behind over the years were right. The world will feel your wrath! If you have to suffer, so does everyone else! Anarchy! Burn society’s constructs to the ground and start over! From now on everyone stands in line for their weekly loaf of bread and bag of fresh fucks to give! One bag per person, no flipping!

How to make people dumber without even trying

Recruiter: Hello, welcome to the University of Wisconsin-Superior! Would you like an English degree?

Student: What?

Recruiter: I’m better than I’ve ever been! Thanks for asking! How many English degrees can I put you down for? Seven?

Student: Uh, let’s start with none.

Recruiter: The holidays are quickly approaching. Do you have any relatives or friends lacking an English degree? Sign them up now and get this free English degree promotional t-shirt!

Student: I’m here to study journalism, not English.

Recruiter: Great! Not to worry, we have you covered. You’ll have a lot of options in journalism with our English degree! Just sign here.