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Archives: Dec 2017

Price of dog turds skyrockets! Everyone’s richer than balls! Invest now!!!

BitCoins are dead! The new investment opportunity sweeping the world is dog turds! Every tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist simply MUST have them, no matter the cost! Fuck government control, buy and sell dog poop now! Prices are going up, up, up! Buy high, sell higher!

Yorkshire terrier turds, $500 per unit! Golden retriever poops, $3,000 per unit! Giant mounds of Great Dane are breaking records at $10,000 per unit! There is literally no way to lose money when it’s invested in dog shit! You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to not invest heavily!

Dog shelters everywhere are barren. All dogs have been adopted by savvy entrepreneurs mining poops for profit. Cats are also in short supply, adopted by seedy counterfeiters looking to pass off common, useless cat turds as if they were valuable limited edition dog shit currency, which they are definitely not! Cats blow ass! Dog poo is the new cool!

Celebrity couple names baby ‘P****flaps’

BREAKING NEWS – Famous celebrity Taylor Swift hunched over the elegant $3.2 million solid gold crib and shat her firstborn child right onto the pillow. Her and celebrity chef husband Guy Fieri’s horrid demon baby was born perfectly clean without any blood, the way all celebrities are born. The newborn did not cry, instead speaking perfect English and politely asking the nurse for a pumpkin spiced latte and an unfiltered cigarette.

The singer’s post-natal figure returned to its slender celebrity form seconds after the delivery, tightening into a ripped six-pack that frightened the family dog so badly it fled into the basement. The baby was immediately sold to Todd Penisfingers of The Penisfingers Agency, the highest bidding member of the paparazzi. The Hollywood power couple held a press conference five minutes after the birth to announce the baby’s name.

“As you’re all aware, our baby is more special than non-famous babies, and must have a more special name,” said Swift, jabbing a photographer in the eye with a fireplace poker for getting too close to the podium. “My dignified husband said the baby deserves a majestic name that thunders through the crevasse of the human mind, opening third eyes and instilling deep meaning into the very fabric of the universe itself. That is why we have chosen to name our baby “Pussyflaps”, after the inventor of the NutriBullet blender, Frederick Pussyflaps.”