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The Man Who Does Not Care That You Do Not Care That He Doesn’t Hunt

I’ve never shot a deer before. My reasoning is one percent because deer are cute, and 99 percent because ground beef is $3 at the supermarket two blocks from my home. Why go hunting when the saps at Ralph’s will do all the dirty work for slave wages?

As Scrooge McDuck always said, “Work smarter, not harder.”

I can understand why people like hunting. The early mornings, the bitter cold, the endless eerie silence, the long bouts of waiting that make an hour seem like a month, the wood ticks, the lack of toilets or ice cream sundaes, the asking of permission from strangers to shoot living things in their yard, the plentiful cases of Keystone Light.

Wait, that sounds horrible. On second thought, I don’t understand hunting at all. Are people who hunt complete nutjobs? I mean, I hate people a lot, but I still wouldn’t sit in the freezing cold of a glorified treehouse for an entire weekend just to avoid others. There are simpler paths to solitude. I usually just angrily yell at people until they can’t stand being near me anymore. It works well, and allows me a lot of free time for playing video games. I’ve beaten The Last of Us six times!

Co-worker or smelly hobo?

Let’s play a fun game. I’m going to provide a quote, and you’re going to guess whether it was said by one of my hippie co-workers or a random homeless person I met on the bus. This game wouldn’t normally be very challenging, but I live in California, so my co-workers are all eco-friendly, beard growing, hipster enabling, ballerina tea drinking, fad diet abusing, self detoxing, compost loving, yoga mat buying ironic armchair Communists. So pretty much the same as Duluth.

I like the Communist part. It makes it easier for me to take an entire pizza home after holiday parties. No one’s ever watching! Only Castro! But let’s begin the game.

”I swiped some coffee grounds from Trader Joe’s for breakfast. I’m so excited! I never have breakfast!”
Answer: Co-worker. Homeless people may be hungry and crazy, but there are few beings in this universe hungrier or crazier than a 20-something California girl on a diet.

Daylight Saving Time FAQ

What is daylight saving time? A pointless, archaic tradition that exists only to make it darker outside for trick or treaters.

Really? No, but the actual explanation is even dumber.

Doesn’t Halloween come before DST this year? So your joke doesn’t even make sense. Shut up.

Isn’t the real explanation something to do with farmers needing more light when they work in the fields? I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t care.

Things NOT to put in children’s Halloween pails

Peanut M&Ms. What’s the matter, cheap ass? Couldn’t afford to spring for the chocolate ones? Yeah, let’s choose the one variety of M&Ms that doesn’t taste like candy.

Hard candy. Are you really that poor? Do you really hate children that much? Are you a hostess in a restaurant? There’s still no excuse for giving children hard candy on Halloween. Just turn off your porch light and watch TV in the dark like decent people. If you want to regift restaurant handouts, save fortune cookies from your Chinese food orders and hand those out. People love fortune cookies.

Don’t make your own Halloween candy. Don’t be that asshole. Only serial killers and people with dementia give homemade food to trick or treaters.

Toothbrushes. You looking to get egged, mister? Because it seems like you’re looking to get egged. Make sure to save one of those toothbrushes to clean up all the dog turds the neighborhood kids smoosh into your car’s air filter.

Mayor Ness applies for cashier job at Target

Less than two days after announcing he won’t run for re-election, Duluth Mayor Don P. Ness was seen turning in an application at Target for a cashier position. He was dressed nicely for the occasion, wearing a button-up shirt and nicely pressed slacks. Ness was also seen making the rounds at the Miller Hill Mall, applying to Claire’s, Cinnabon and Hot Topic.

“The national economy is still recovering, so finding a job’s really tough,” said Ness, picking at a Caramel Pecanbon. “I don’t even like Cinnabons. They’re too sweet. Eating them makes me wanna barf. Don’t print that! That’s just between us. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I really need this gig. Laura said if I don’t get a job soon, I’m gonna drive her nuts.”

According to Alice Frond, manager at Cinnabon, Ness has an excellent resume, but won’t be hired because of the poor track record of other former politicians they’ve hired.

“Been there, done that,” said Frond. “He seems nice, but so did Herb Bergson, and that guy showed up to work drunk every morning. I don’t need to pay people to sit around eating frosting. Also, Ness looks like my ex-boyfriend, and I ain’t got time for that. Sorry, boo.”