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Writing your first parody newspaper

Students are young and need our guidance. When April Fools Day rolls around, it’s important we take the time to speak to them about jokes. As you may know, jokes can be used for good. But did you also know jokes can be used for irreparable evil?

The student journalists at UWS recently found this out the hard way. Here’s some tips to help others who want to write their very own parody newspaper, but don’t want to get beaten to death by an angry mob:

• Try not to place the word “Jewish” in the same sentence as the word “fuck”. Especially if it’s the headline.

GOP pushing Cookie Monster to run for president

Will Americans vote for a monster in this fall’s presidential race? An anonymous group of billionaires is counting on it in their battle to derail Donald Trump.

Bernard “Cookie” Monster, age 50, is a beloved character from Sesame Street and a lifelong conservative. Despite 50 years in show business – an industry filled to the brim with communists and cornholers – Cookie Monster has remained fiscally conservative yet socially liberal, perfect for appealing to independent voters.

Nearly a dozen billionaires have pledged resources to the project. Six strategic memos were sent to Cookie Monster detailing the plan, along with a batch of homemade cookies. Cookie Monster is downplaying the rumors.

“Me not seen reports, but me sure it just idle talk,” said Mr. Monster, his mouth suspiciously full of homemade cookies.

Report: Church attendance ‘total ass’ the week after Easter

The church pews sit cold and vacant, devoid of the hundreds of heathen asses that adorned them just one week earlier. Easter had these same pews filled to capacity, with spots in the back so coveted that the uncomfortable shifting of one’s buttocks was felt by the entire row. Now those large crowds are gone, leaving pastors nationwide to breathe a sigh of relief.

“All these carpetbaggers want is the goddamned benediction,” said Pastor Duke Felch of Duluth. “The closing hymn! When is the closing hymn? Doesn’t he know the NCAA tournament begins in an hour? These people may be God’s creations, but preaching the gospel to them is like pissing into the wind.”

With no ringtones blaring, sarcastic shouts of “Hallelujah” from the back, or people eating messy breakfast sandwiches while loudly talking over the pastor’s sermon, regular parishioners felt much more at ease this week. The line for confessionals was also much improved, with the Sacrament of Penance booth only being used as a restroom once.

How to dispose of your unloved Easter rabbit

It’s been nearly a week since Easter, and everything has gone to shit. The kids devoured all the good candy, those Peeps you ate have joined forces to fight their way out of your colon together, and the live rabbit you bought on a whim is frightening your children with its wild mood swings. You’d better get rid of it before it poops in one of their mouths.

This informative news article will show you the fastest and easiest way to dispose of your Easter rabbit so you can get back to your normal routine of drinking quietly by yourself while your grade school children watch The Kardashians unsupervised. Enjoy!

Solution 1: Throw the rabbit in the garbage
In a best case scenario, the rabbit already died because you wrapped the Easter basket in cellophane and forgot to add air holes. While you can’t undo the screams of your terrified children on Easter morning, the cleanup itself is fairly simple. Just toss Mr. Floppy’s lifeless corpse in a dumpster. Make sure to choose the dumpster of a business down the block so the involuntary rabbitslaughter charges can’t be traced back to you. If there are security cameras, toss the dead Easter bunny to your neighbor’s dog instead.

DON’T flush Mr. Floppy down the toilet. Only the Kardashians and Daisy Ridley can afford sewer pipes wide enough for dead animals.

Bruce Springsteen writes tardy note for 9-year-old fan

Xabi Glovsky, a fourth grader from Los Angeles, went to a Bruce Springsteen concert on a school night and stayed out a little later than usual. Amazingly, Springsteen was gracious enough to write a note to bring his teacher in case he was late to school the next day:

Dear Ms. Jackson,
Who the hell do you think you are? I’m goddamn Bruce Springsteen, and Xabi Glovsky is gonna be late today. Don’t like it? Suck eggs. It doesn’t matter if he’s five minutes late. Everybody’s five minutes late to everything. But not everybody is a huge dick about it, Ms. Jackson. So are you cool or are you a dick?

Remember that time during the Super Bowl when everybody thought I was old but then I slid on my knees onstage and it was hella cool and everybody in the entire universe pooped their pants at once? That incident is one of many reasons why I’m so overqualified to excuse Xabi from school. I sang on “We Are the World”, sucker! Xabi is excused for the rest of goddamn eternity if I feel like it! That song went platinum four times, Ms. Jackson! Four times! I’m Bruce Springsteen!