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Wells Fargo CEO agrees to eat a bag of dongs

Citing strong support from the public, the American government is moving forward with its plan to make Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf consume an enormous bag of dicks. Last week the bank admitted to opening thousands of fake credit accounts in their customers’ names to charge them extra fees. Eating a sack of dicks will serve as punishment.

Shockingly, Stumpf is eager to participate.

“I will eat those dicks,” said Stumpf, fastening a bib with a cartoon penis graphic around his neck. “We committed a horrible act. We cheated our own customers out of money, the very thing we were sworn to protect. We here at Wells Fargo are greedy and worthless shitbags, and to show exactly how sorry we are, I will ensure that each of these cold, mooshy penises slides through my warm lips, lingers for a brief moment in time, and are then swallowed whole. And I will smile like a Miss America contestant the entire time.”

The corporation polled millions of customers, seeking advice on how best to regain their trust. The overwhelming majority stated their demand loud and clear: Eating an enormous burlap sack of hairy dicks is the only punishment strong enough to make things right.

Onions & Orchids

Orchids: To Leonard at Whole Foods for bringing my groceries to my car. His service is above and beyond, as always!

Orchids: To the Beaverton Brown High School Band at this weekend’s horse spooning festival for their excellent rendition of Loretta Lynn’s song “You’re the Reason Our Kids are Ugly”. It was a treat for all of us in attendance!

Onions: To Kenneth Barsley from Owatonna. You don’t nut in someone’s mouth on the first date. That’s third date stuff. You owe me two dinners! No White Castle or sandwich places.

Onions: To President Obama for not responding to my four-year-old daughter’s letter. It shouldn’t matter how many swastikas I drew all over the stationary, or how many times I wrote “HILLARY’S FACE IS SATAN’S SCROTUM” on the envelope. All the children who write him get a form letter back. What is my daughter, chopped liver? Is she merely dingle dangles from Satan’s scrotum? Disappointing.

Minnesota’s smelliest gather at state fair

The old, weathered clock at the Minnesota State Fair strikes 6am, and Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar stand is already humming. The smell of cookies – so fresh and warm that they melt right into your soul as you eat them – blankets the fairgrounds with its spell, entrancing all who pass.

First to approach the stand is Aaron Brown, a 36-year-old man riding a medical scooter meant for the elderly. He raps his Freedom Wand against the booth counter, signaling that his face is ready for cookies.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said Brown, with a level of politeness that doesn’t exist outside the Midwest. “Could you fill my mouth with warm cookies until I die?”

“Sure thing, honey!” said the employee, grabbing a large paper funnel. “Open wide and we’ll just see how many we can cram in there. I’ll stop pushing when your eyes roll back in your head or you crap yourself.”

“Oh, you can keep going if I crap myself,” said Brown, loosening the belt on his pants. “Pay no heed to the noises coming from this chair, ma’am. If my mouth gets full, just stack more cookies on my forehead and around the opening of my gaw so they’re ready to be toppled in once there’s room.”

Olympic gold medal winner welcomed back to telemarketing job

After a whirlwind two week tour in Rio where she battled the most talented athletes the world has to offer and defeated them all, Olympic water polo gold medalist Tessa Banks returned to her $8 per hour telemarketing position Monday. Now that the games are over, she’s excited to get back to doing real work.

“Gold medals are great, but it’s nice to return to my normal routine,” said Banks, briefly removing her headset while the potential customer barraged her with racial slurs. “Traveling abroad can be stressful. It’s always a relief to come home and recharge your batteries a bit. I’m sorry sir, say that again? No, I’m afraid I can’t text you a photo of my vagina. Right, I understand. Well, these facecloths are made of Egyptian cotton, so it’s your loss.”

For fourth straight Olympics, Kylie Jenner wins zero medals

Team USA is dominating the competition in the Rio Olympics, but one athlete is falling far short of expectations. Professional Instagram user Kylie Jenner, daughter of 1976 decathlon gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner, has once again come away from the Olympics with zero medals.

Kylie, a socialite who is mainly known for unnecessary lip injections and makeup that takes two goddamn hours to apply, has finished dead last in every Olympic event for the two decades of her existence. American coaches are absolutely livid.

“It was a real shit show out here,” said Lacey Wang, Team USA’s badminton coach. “The Chinese whooped us, the Netherlands kicked our ass. The Netherlands! Kylie didn’t even show up. I mean, I know she wasn’t a member of our team, but c’mon. Her dad’s a gold medal winner. She’s got gold in her veins. She can’t stop by and lend a hand to her country? Jesus.”