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Things NOT to put in children’s Halloween pails

Peanut M&Ms. What’s the matter, cheap ass? Couldn’t afford to spring for the chocolate ones? Yeah, let’s choose the one variety of M&Ms that doesn’t taste like candy.

Hard candy. Are you really that poor? Do you really hate children that much? Are you a hostess in a restaurant? There’s still no excuse for giving children hard candy on Halloween. Just turn off your porch light and watch TV in the dark like decent people. If you want to regift restaurant handouts, save fortune cookies from your Chinese food orders and hand those out. People love fortune cookies.

Don’t make your own Halloween candy. Don’t be that asshole. Only serial killers and people with dementia give homemade food to trick or treaters.

Toothbrushes. You looking to get egged, mister? Because it seems like you’re looking to get egged. Make sure to save one of those toothbrushes to clean up all the dog turds the neighborhood kids smoosh into your car’s air filter.

Mayor Ness applies for cashier job at Target

Less than two days after announcing he won’t run for re-election, Duluth Mayor Don P. Ness was seen turning in an application at Target for a cashier position. He was dressed nicely for the occasion, wearing a button-up shirt and nicely pressed slacks. Ness was also seen making the rounds at the Miller Hill Mall, applying to Claire’s, Cinnabon and Hot Topic.

“The national economy is still recovering, so finding a job’s really tough,” said Ness, picking at a Caramel Pecanbon. “I don’t even like Cinnabons. They’re too sweet. Eating them makes me wanna barf. Don’t print that! That’s just between us. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I really need this gig. Laura said if I don’t get a job soon, I’m gonna drive her nuts.”

According to Alice Frond, manager at Cinnabon, Ness has an excellent resume, but won’t be hired because of the poor track record of other former politicians they’ve hired.

“Been there, done that,” said Frond. “He seems nice, but so did Herb Bergson, and that guy showed up to work drunk every morning. I don’t need to pay people to sit around eating frosting. Also, Ness looks like my ex-boyfriend, and I ain’t got time for that. Sorry, boo.”

Urgent Memo – Please Read!

DATE: October 9, 2014
SUBJECT: Appropriate workplace behavior

There was a brief flash of light, and then a return to darkness. The same cold, cruel nothing that had been draped over the landscape like a curse for centuries. The world had been forever dark, impossible to see more than a few feet at a time. Like a tight noose, the darkness choked the people. They had begged for light, were willing to die for it. Willing to trade death for something they had never seen before, not in generations. Yet for that one fleeting moment, they had seen the world around them. It was a world filled with Penis Horses!

Scarlet, azure, lilac, blush! All the most favored colors of Penis Horses! Lacy saddles adorned with Swarovski crystals! Sticky glitter that gets in your mouth! Tween lady underpants from Urban Outfitters! Rainbow tails dipped in bronzer and electrified in a filthy microwave! All the Penis Horses eat tomato soup at the same time each day, together like a family!!!

A current list of lies in my life

The flushable wet wipes in my bathroom are not there “because my nephew recently visited.” My nephew has never been to my apartment. They are there because I am an impatient man.

“Walden” by Henry David Thoreau holds one of the most prominent spots in my bookshelf. I’ve never read it. I tried to read it once, but my limited attention span only allowed me to get through ten pages.

I lied in that last paragraph. I only got through three pages. Sometimes I even have trouble getting through comic books. It frightens me.

Other books I own but have never read include “The Poetry of Robert Frost”, “The Silmarillion” by JRR Tolkien, “The Waste Land and Other Poems” by TS Eliot, two different John Updike books,a graffiti art book that is roughly 90 percent photos, and that giant freaking autobiography of Mark Twain, the size of which has frozen me with fear since the day I bought it.

I’m really regretting only having one good player

by Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings GM

Ahhhhhhhhh shit! Goddamn it! Dickholes! Balls! Big huge stupid balls! C’mon, man! Don’t do this to me. I had a thing going here. The little kid’s fine! He has some welts, but don’t we all? Some dads hit their kids with the entire tree. Well, not Minnesota dads, but guys in the South. Son of a bitch! Piece of shit! Damn it to hell! C’mon!

With our star running back Adrian Peterson suffering a season ending “beat a kindergartner with a tree branch” injury, all of us here at the Minnesota Vikings are scrambling to find another player who can compete at the professional level.

Honestly, if I had known Adrian was going to be banned from the league for beating up children, I would have signed a second good player for our team. We had a really great thing going. Imagine! An entire team with only one legitimate NFL player!

Well, I don’t have to ask you to imagine it. You’ve been living it for the past eight years. Thanks for that, by the way. I’ve made a tremendous amount of money off you while spending almost nothing. But those tossed salad days are over. Now season ticket holders are going to demand a full team. I’m so screwed.