Skip to content

For fourth straight Olympics, Kylie Jenner wins zero medals

Team USA is dominating the competition in the Rio Olympics, but one athlete is falling far short of expectations. Professional Instagram user Kylie Jenner, daughter of 1976 decathlon gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner, has once again come away from the Olympics with zero medals.

Kylie, a socialite who is mainly known for unnecessary lip injections and makeup that takes two goddamn hours to apply, has finished dead last in every Olympic event for the two decades of her existence. American coaches are absolutely livid.

“It was a real shit show out here,” said Lacey Wang, Team USA’s badminton coach. “The Chinese whooped us, the Netherlands kicked our ass. The Netherlands! Kylie didn’t even show up. I mean, I know she wasn’t a member of our team, but c’mon. Her dad’s a gold medal winner. She’s got gold in her veins. She can’t stop by and lend a hand to her country? Jesus.”

Caucasian parents utterly terrified by dim sum restaurant

After nearly two hours of intense negotiation, the parents of Dana Breslin have agreed to join her and her new boyfriend for dinner at a dim sum restaurant. Included in the treaty is an agreement that no one will be forced to consume “weird things”, all mysterious sauces will be optional, and her father is allowed to bring a fork from home in case the restaurant doesn’t have any.

“What does this guy think we are, Chinese?” said Dana’s mom, nervously drumming her very pale fingers on the table. “He knows we’re not Chinese, right? Do they have chopsticks there, or is it like bowling where you bring your own equipment from home? Dana, you’ve told him that we’re not Chinese, right?”

Dana has explained to her Midwestern parents that dim sum is merely bite-sized Chinese food served in steamer baskets or small plates. While her argument was calm and reasoned, it was largely ignored by the terrified couple, who made a point to stuff their faces with potato chips and cookies before leaving for the restaurant.

Co-worker who played trance music without headphones found dead

Christian Elmore, age 24, known only by work colleagues as “the goddamn guy who plays goddamn trance music at his desk without goddamn headphones”, has been found dead. His body was discovered in a dumpster behind a jackoff magazine store, where it was being devoured by raccoons.

“Unce unce unce unce umpa umpa unce unce unce,” said co-worker Jane Henderson. “All fucking day. I cannot fathom what sort of horrible child abuse he must have suffered through to think weird thumping sounds and high-pitched, computer generated fart noises could be a song. Someone should burn his desk. It’s the only way to remove the infection.”

Elmore, who was otherwise a shy, pleasant person who never bothered anyone, quickly became the most hated person in the office when he started blasting electronic music throughout the work day. Other workers couldn’t complain for fear of having management ban everyone from playing music. Instead, they tried more subtle approaches.

“I spent an entire hour blasting Ace of Base’s ‘I Saw the Sign’ on a loop just to drown out his trance shit,” said Manny Paceda, who worked in the cubicle next to Elmore. “That son of a bitch just rolled with it, and it actually paid off. It sounded pretty good. The melody and the beats complimented each other quite well. God, I wish he were still alive so I could kick him in the groin right now.”

Internet provider actually on time for goddamn appointment

The cable van stopped in front of Ayleen Klein’s apartment at 7:55am, five minutes before the scheduled appointment window. The repairman whistled happily up the walkway and punched the apartment number into the intercom. He held a jug of ice cold lemonade by his side.

“What’s this bullshit?” said Klein through the intercom. “You don’t work for the cable company. Those asshats don’t show up on time. What are you, some kind of weird sex criminal? Take your willy down the block, son. This house is a no burrito zone.”

“Good morning, Ms. Klein! I’m Kal Thomas, from your cable provider. I’m on time because we’re working hard to do a better job! We want you to be happy with our service! Would you care for some lemonade?”

“What are you, some kind of clever gang rapist?” said Klein. “To hell with your lemonade. Go find somebody else to run a train on, Kal. I’m too smart for this.”

National Ice Cream Day ends in sodomy yet again

For the fifth straight year, Duluth’s National Ice Cream Day festivities have ended in a barrage of sodomy. Every single person at the event took part, with both men and women ritualistically sodomizing anything within their line of sight. People, animals, potted plants, and even aesthetically pleasing bicycle racks were sodomized with vicious efficiency. No one knows why every National Ice Cream Day ends this way. Once the event reached its predetermined end time at 8pm, the chaos stopped as quickly as it had begun.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Police Chief Brad Thurmon. “Every year the city plans a delightful family friendly ice cream social filled with games, musical performances and all the free ice cream people can eat, and every year it ends in a terrifying avalanche of sodomy. People, dogs, seagulls, even ladies’ hats! We’ve got an entire shop down here in Canal Park dedicated to fashionable ladies’ hats, and look at them now. Who’s going to want to wear these brutally sodomized hats now?”