Airbnb stock rose four and a quarter this morning as a survey surfaced showing 98 percent of Airbnb hosts are merely eccentrics gathering videos of guests urinating.
“Allowing people to rent property they don’t own and spreading a plague of bedbugs across the nation has made us a lot of money,” said Airbnb spokesman Burl Jeeves. “But there’s more avenues of revenue we haven’t tapped yet. Creating a marketplace where Airbnb hosts can sell or trade videos of guests peeing is just the next logical step for our very profitable company.”
Consent from users was secured via a quick adjustment to the company’s 7.5 million page user agreement. The company deflected suggestions that the new feature is infringing upon the rights of customers.
“I’d be quite flattered,” said Airbnb CEO Duck Johnson. “If you’re so attractive that someone wants to watch you doing something as horrid as that, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. Some people just need to learn to accept a compliment.”
Fans and hosts for Airbnb chimed in with support as well.
“If you’re not peeing weird, then you have nothing to fear,” said Andrew Melon, a host since 2011. “I know that’s a quote from Joseph Goebbels, but in this case he was right. Why would someone even care if other people saw them peeing? It’s something everyone does, regardless of race, gender or creed. Unless you’re peeing all weird or leaving the door open so your dog can watch you or something, there’s nothing to get worked up about. I’m not going to say every person who’s upset by this are guys who choose to pee sitting down, but if I did, it would be a pretty accurate statement.”
Longtime user Charles Fanny was both shocked and bored by the news simultaneously.
“It’s horrible, but since they’re already doing it, I guess I’ll just put up with it,” said Fanny. “I could make a fuss or use another service instead, but it’s easier to fully support it with my money and save my complaints for social media, where no one will read them.”
Chloe Winfrey has been aware of the issue since she started using the service in 2009, but says the issue should be fixed through communication rather than laws or stern lists of rules. When she meets get hosts for the first time, she hands them a pamphlet titled “There are Better Ways to Show Appreciation than Watching Me Pee”. If hosts don’t comply, she finds other ways to make things right.
“I’m not afraid to leave a bad review,” said Winfrey. “If I see a little blinking light under the rim of the toilet, I will penalize them down to four stars instead of five. And ain’t nobody staying in an Airbnb that has less than 4.7 stars. It’s just not done.”
Investors have swarmed to the company after news of the change surfaced. Many experts remarked that it was the largest increase in the stock market since early 2001, when terrorism didn’t exist and employers and employees weren’t slowly destroying one another in a battle to the bottom of the poorhouse. Fruits and vegetables also tasted better back then, and sex was less contrived and routine.
Despite the celebratory nature, some investors of a more pessimistic mindset wondered if the ceiling of revenue has been reached.
“The big question is where do they go from here,” said stock analyst Steve Fobres. “The modern market requires companies to increase their profits 100 percent every year or risk being labeled a dead fish. It would be nice to see some new ideas. I mean sure, they tripled their stock price this morning, but what have they done for me lately? It’s the afternoon now.”
Fobres suggests that a series of dickish fees could be added to the checkout screen. No matter how inapplicable or irrational the fee, Airbnb hosts will list a $20 charge for each one. There’s already a non-descript “service fee”, a “cleaning fee” that should be part of the price of the room, and a “city occupancy tax” that the host has no intention of reporting to the city, but Fobres thinks there’s room for more to be added.
He specifically suggests adding an oxygen suppliance fee, non-refundable damage deposit, utilities for electricity and water, mandatory valet parking, mandatory pet deposit that also applies to non pet owners, hourly wifi rates, carbon monoxide detector fee, fire extinguisher refill fee, bad review removal fee, and a hidden $60 charge not listed on the checkout screen that is easily removable if the guest happens to notice they were overcharged and calls the company’s customer service line to complain.
Airbnb is likely to be receptive to these ideas. No matter what the future holds, the company says they are very pleased overall.
“Here at Airbnb, we pride ourselves on our friendly hosts, clean rooms and bedsheets that have actually been washed instead of just aired out by housekeepers before being put back on the bed with stray pubes still in tow,” said Johnson. “We’re not a hotel, we’re better than a hotel, and with only a three percent greater chance of being kidnapped and deposited into a shallow grave in the woods. We thank customers for their continued support, and assure them that these videos of them peeing will be presented tastefully.”