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Report: 98 percent of Airbnb hosts trade videos of you peeing

Airbnb stock rose four and a quarter this morning as a survey surfaced showing 98 percent of Airbnb hosts are merely eccentrics gathering videos of guests urinating.

“Allowing people to rent property they don’t own and spreading a plague of bedbugs across the nation has made us a lot of money,” said Airbnb spokesman Burl Jeeves. “But there’s more avenues of revenue we haven’t tapped yet. Creating a marketplace where Airbnb hosts can sell or trade videos of guests peeing is just the next logical step for our very profitable company.”

Consent from users was secured via a quick adjustment to the company’s 7.5 million page user agreement. The company deflected suggestions that the new feature is infringing upon the rights of customers.

“I’d be quite flattered,” said Airbnb CEO Duck Johnson. “If you’re so attractive that someone wants to watch you doing something as horrid as that, I don’t see how that’s a bad thing. Some people just need to learn to accept a compliment.”

People who brush teeth at work rounded up, transferred to island

In a move applauded by an overwhelming majority of the nation, people who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work have been rounded up and permanently relocated to a deserted island. People of their ilk will be allowed to use the materials they find on the island to build their own community, far away from normal citizens.

Anyone who tries to leave the island will be shot.

Tensions have been building for years between Brushers and Normals. Disgusting, spit-covered sinks and faucets have spread like a plague across the nation, infecting workplaces of every level, from the deeply impoverished to the ultra affluent. After years of suffering, Americans say they’ve had enough. Brushers claim they aren’t doing anything wrong.

“People wanna hate me because I’m a Brush,” said Apple Plainfield, whose workplace brushing sometimes forces normal bathroom users to wait up to two minutes to wash their hands after touching their genitals. “But I’m proud to be a Brush! What people don’t realize is that I have a rare medical condition, one that I made up myself, in which my teeth will rot out if I don’t brush them every four hours.”

National tragedy prolongs relationship another month

Summer Davis, age 26, wakes at dawn and rubs the sleep from her eyes. She’ll lie in bed for another 45 minutes before summoning the courage to face the day. Davis concentrates on her breathing, calming her nerves. She will get through this, she tells herself. She will focus on the parts of her life that are positive. Over and over again, she whispers to herself the same phrase: “I will be okay today.”

The recent mass shootings plastered almost gleefully across every news network are now a regular occurrence in American society. The incidents are frequent and seemingly unending. Even if you made a point to avoid them, desperately trying to pretend they aren’t there, the collective pain of a nation still comes screeching from all formats every time you leave your bed. These long-term effects of a violent culture are not lost on Davis. She sees the worst casualty of these shootings every morning when she wakes up.

“Good morning, babe!” said Kyle Fornsworth, Davis’ boyfriend of 14 months. He leans over to kiss Davis, but she only buries herself deeper under the covers. “I gotta head out. Kenny’s got some killer wax we’re gonna smoke in the alleyway behind the shoe store! Text me if the mailman brings my Xbox controller!”

The front door shuts, and Davis emerges from her linen bunker.

“Ugh, I wish these mass shootings would stop so I could break up with him and not look insensitive,” said Davis. “Is it really so hard for people to not create a national tragedy every week so I can move on with my life? He’s getting more douchey every day. These families need to hurry up and finish grieving already.”

Intervention held for non-drinking roommate

Concerned students at the University of Wisconsin-Superior banded together Sunday to hold a much-needed intervention for freshman Glen Darkins. After nearly a month on campus, Darkins has not consumed a single drop of alcohol.

“Glen, your non-alcoholism has been hurtful to me for a long time now,” said Kenny Lantus, Darkins’ roommate for the past four weeks. “When I return to the room on Friday afternoons after my last class, you’re not drunk. When we all head out at 8am on a Saturday to scope the women’s lacrosse practice, you’re not drunk. When I’m drunk, you’re not drunk! You try to hide it, but I can see the sobriety in your eyes, which are alert and not cloudy. I see it in your speech, which is not slurred. I hate seeing you like this, Glen. Please, I beg you. Let us help. You need to start drinking before it tears this entire dorm apart.”

At this point, Darkins’ girlfriend began loudly sobbing.

“I’m sorry, Glen,” said Jackie Thompson, who has been dating Darkins for one week. “I thought I could hold it together. It’s just so hard to deal with you when you’re sober. You’re rational and logical, and everything you do is careful and well thought out. I hate sober Glen! I hate that horrible side of you! I’m trying to be a supportive girlfriend, but when I come home late at night to find you quietly reading a book, sober and polite, sometimes I just crawl under the covers and cry. Fuck you for putting me through that, Glen! Fuck you and your straight edge bullshit!”

Farmer who grew 2,000 pound pumpkin kinda being a jerk

A Wisconsin farmer named Norm Charles has grown the world’s second heaviest pumpkin, and it weighs almost as much as his ego. The 2,145 pound pumpkin was shown at the Cedarburg Wine and Harvest Festival in Wisconsin. As is tradition, the farmer spent a little time bragging to passersby at the event.

“I am the greatest pumpkin grower in the world! Bow down before me or I shall destroy you!” shouted Charles, standing on a folding chair in his booth. “Fear the wrath of the Pumpkineer! No mercy! No kindness! In place of a president, you will have a Dark Lord, beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!”

Charles was excited because the seeds inside his record breaking pumpkin will likely fetch a good price in auctions. Normal pumpkin seeds cost only a few dollars per pound, but seeds from a record breaking pumpkin could fetch thousands of dollars.