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Breaking News: White people agree to stop being racist

In light of recent atrocities in Charlottesville, white people everywhere held a meeting Tuesday where they voted to stop being horrible, horrible bigots. This landmark civil rights achievement, which passed with 53 percent support, is the first time white people have collectively agreed to not be dicks about something.

Perhaps most impressive is that white people also agreed to not sit passively by while other members of their race do horrible things. Each Nazi march, murder of a minority by police or unwarranted promotion of Tim Tebow through baseball’s minor leagues now requires a minimum of one angry social media post per white person, with white privilege taken away for each violation.

“It’s not hard, just type ‘Fuck Nazis’ into Facebook and hit enter,” said Ben Affleck, head spokesperson for all white people since 1997. “Otherwise, good luck staying out of prison. Without white privilege, there are only like five things you can do in public without being arrested, and none of them include taking hitting a $50 vape pen. Seriously, this is an easy deal. You don’t have to kill Hitler yourself, you just have to stop talking about how the permits for his genocide march are technically valid.”

Screw it. I’m just gonna make up a story about Care Bears and pretend that’s a column. You can’t stop me. I can literally do whatever I want

DULUTH, MN – Police are searching for suspects in the murder of Tenderheart Bear, one of the ten original Care Bears that debuted on American Greetings cards and television specials in the early 1980s. Tenderheart Bear was always the most popular Care Bear, known for helping people show and express their feelings. That agenda apparently didn’t go over too well with Twin Ports locals.

“I’m at the bar and this goddamn bear just walks up and hugs me, telling me I’m special and he hopes I have a wonderful day,” said Don Hardt, a local heating and air conditioning repairman. “So naturally, I punched him in the face. What the hell kind of thing is that to say to a person? You wanna hug me, it better be because you helped me land a record breaking walleye, and you better apologize immediately afterward for doing it.”

Northlanders tend to be very quiet and introverted, removing themselves from any situation that involves emotions or affection. Touching is especially off limits. Even just a pat on the shoulder is considered a very bold move that requires at least five years of friendship before attempting. Hugging, as Tenderheart Bear quickly learned, is only allowed if one of the two people involved is dying.

Wisconn Valley Employee Handbook

Welcome to Wisconn Valley, your new Foxconn owned Wisconsin factory! We make Apple computer monitors, and you paid us $3 billion in tax breaks in exchange for 3,000 guaranteed jobs! ROTFLMAO! We’re honored that you want us to bring our centuries-old slave labor techniques to America, where greedy corporations have already spent decades steadily dragging citizens toward longer hours, lower pay and fewer benefits. Please review the following employee handbook to help empower your servitude:

– Work shifts can be long at Foxconn. If you’ve been hot gluing displays for 16 hours straight and feel like you’re going to suicide, please choose a quiet method like swallowing too many pills or lynching yourself in the privacy of your on-site closet home. Jumping off the roof is very crass.

– Did we say you’d be hot gluing displays? Haha, that’s ridiculous! Robots do that. Robots do everything. Robots wrote this handbook. Hello! I’m a robot!

239 dead as Game of Thrones spoiler tears through social media

The streets of suburbia ran red with blood Monday as the latest Game of Thrones spoiler tore the nation a very figurative second butthole. Rioting and raging through every major city nationwide, the violent backlash to a mere subplot spoiler, not even relevant to the main storyline, left 239 fans dead and millions more deeply wounded.

The spoiler, a leaked clip which showed beloved Princess Sansa Stark passionately making love to a polar bear, left many fans like 83-year-old widower Mary Bloomfield distraught, listless and unable to find polar bears adorable anymore.

“Fifteen dollars a month!” said Bloomfield, aggressively spitting her dentures onto the table to show dominance. “I pay fifteen goddamn dollars to those clowns at HBO and that poor girl gets borked by a polar bear?! What kind of writing is that? Medical marijuana ain’t legal everywhere, you California hacks!”

Hello, My Name is Dinkles Jenkins and I Would Like to Hooglesmorf Your Foofendorf

Comic Con is chock full of assholes. Chronic masturbators who shower less than Somalian refugees. Unemployed people who got a “professional” badge because they run a blog that studies footage of Yoda’s groin movements to determine his penis length. Twenty-four year old screeching hyenas from the film industry who only come for the booze. Normal families with children. They’re all bastards, the whole filthy lot of them. Bastards who are in your way.

In their normal lives, Comic Con attendees are upstanding citizens who strive to make their communities a better place. But five straight days at this convention has a way of removing the good from people with an almost surgical precision. The quiet, humble schoolteacher, when forced to battle a crowd of thousands to attend a Twin Peaks panel, will quickly become a ferocious Bolshevik with no regard for human life.

It’s important to get in line before it’s too late. Mere seconds matter as if each one were encrusted with diamonds. Woman holding a baby? “Get the fuck out of the way, asshole!” Elderly man with a walking cane? “Quit blocking the aisle, you useless old bag of shit!” Mother Teresa herself could stop to help a leper and 100 people behind her would kick her in the back. “I love Twin Peaks, you dumb twat!” they’d shout angrily. “If I miss it, I’ll come back here and fucking kill you!”