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[Not Satire] Humanity deemed too stupid to recognize satire

After decades of the least intelligent members of society producing the vast majority of the offspring, human beings have declared themselves too dumb to differentiate real news from satirical sources. “Satire” tags will now be added on Facebook when an article is a satirical farce, thereby ruining said farce completely.

“I give up,” said Anna Kendrick, a gas station attendant from Cheyenne, WY with an IQ of 53, well above the national average. “This article is titled ‘Johnny Manziel retires early to start horse gynecology clinic’, but is it real? I can’t tell! Damn you, non-mainstream media!”

The satire tags will keep blatantly obvious entertainment websites like The Onion from being interpreted as real news. Political articles promoting blatant lies and intentionally misleading information will be allowed to continue unfettered.

“I don’t read no news,” said Amy Adams, a Walmart greeter from St. Louis, MO. “But I seen the newsies on Facebook, so I reading enough. Did you know Obama don’t pay taxes and I pay for his daughter penis implant? My moneys stolen liberal agenda illegal immigrant rape monkeys but I knows the truth! It get me all riled up!”

I taught my dog a trick

The dog was only inside the refrigerator for a few moments. Five seconds tops. I swear. It was his idea anyway. He initiated. I just went along with it. In my defense, Gonzo really seemed to enjoy being locked in my refrigerator. There’s turkey and beer in there.

It was warm this weekend, and my apartment doesn’t have air conditioning, so Gonzo’s desire to climb into my fridge was understandable. I’ve tried to crawl in there myself a few times during the hotter days of the summer, but I could never get the door closed. So when he decided to curl up inside of it, I said, “Meh. Good for him. Livin’ the dream.”

I had planned to grab a beer, but when the cool air hit me, I couldn’t help but hold the door open for a minute or so. Seeing this opportunity, Gonzo approached the open fridge door, put one paw inside and looked back at me to see if I’d yell at him. I was intrigued, so I didn’t. He then crawled into the bottom shelf of the fridge and curled into a ball to take a nap.

Reviews of various things that displease me

Hipster guy’s beard on Metro Bus 217 - Scraggly. Uncouth. Appears to have both the texture and consistency of pubic hair. Which end is up? I can’t tell if I’m looking at his face or if he’s sitting upside down with his pants off. Hipster win, life fail. If he ever leaves this city, he’ll starve to death. C-

Stray cat found downtown - Black and white. Boring. Not punk rock enough. Needs tattoos, a medusa piercing and gauges in its ears (at least 9/16”). Will not date this cat until changes are made. B-

Harem pants - Let’s get one thing straight: Those harem pants that are super trendy right now? Those are Zubaz. You are wearing Zubaz. I’m not going to judge, because I’m not very trendy myself. All I’m saying is you’re going to look back on this in 10 years and say, “Oh my god, I was wearing Zubaz.” D-

Oversized tortoise shell reading glasses that women have started wearing again for some idiotic reason - Tootsie. You look like Tootsie. Since you were born after 1990, I’ll explain. You look like a man dressed like a woman who traveled here in a time machine and somehow didn’t realize how ugly those glasses look compared to normal ones. It is not 1982, folks. Hideously ugly is not the new sexy (to be honest, it actually is the case in the fashion world right now, but let’s try to contain it so it doesn’t get worse). D

Welcome to the land of misfits

“This shuttle bus is very . . . ethnic,” texted Amber, choosing her words carefully to remain politically correct. She was in Los Angeles for two days, killing time before the start of Comic Con, and I was helping her navigate the train system via text. It was my suggestion that she take the trains. I find them fascinating. The bus ride from the airport to the light rail train in Inglewood is a bit like that classic bar scene in Star Wars.

There’s the tiny middle-aged Hispanic women getting into shouting matches with the Armenian guys who won’t give up their seats. There’s the homeless people so doped up that they don’t even know what bus they’re on, staring vacantly ahead with their mouths hanging open like dormant zombies. There’s the elderly black guy with a cane who keeps randomly shouting the n-word to see how uncomfortable he can make everyone.

“He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either. You just watch yourself. We’re wanted men! I have the death sentence on twelve systems.”

Tips for attending Comic Con

It’s time once again for Comic Con, the annual nerd pilgrimage to San Diego! Every year, 130,000 entertainment industry employees who got tickets for free gather together to pander to nerds who aren’t even there because all the tickets were given to industry people. The legendary conference is quite literally a scam, so here’s some tips for you unfortunate few who were able to score tickets to this soul sucking money vacuum.

- Do you like standing in line? Do you enjoy Disneyland but wish the lines were longer and more frequent? Then you’ll do fine at Comic Con, my friend. You’ll do just fine.

- Make sure to budget accordingly. A five-day pass to the convention is $200. Flights arriving the day before the convention are $800, while ones arriving two days ahead are $500 with two layovers. Hotel rooms range from $150 per night for a hooker motel filled with bedbugs to $300 per night for a room at the Marriott that faces a brick wall. The cheapest food at the convention is a single cookie for $4 or a small hot dog for $8. Outside of the convention center, every restaurant in town brings out their Valentine’s Day menus, where there are only six choices and all of them are $30. So plan on spending at least $1,400 to $2,000 total. I wish there was a joke in this paragraph, but there is not.

- You’d think hotels near the border of Tijuana would be cheaper, but they’re not. Hookers are, though. So you’ve got that going for you.

- Don’t leer at the pretty cosplay girls. Approach them and start a conversation so you can really scare the crap out of them.