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Duluthians excited to win contest in magazine they don’t read

Outside Magazine, the nation’s fortieth most popular magazine about going outside, held its annual contest for the best outdoor city in America last week. Duluth, Minnesota won first place, narrowly defeating Provo, Utah, a town mainly known for socially awkward Mormons and crippling boredom.

Duluth bested a total of 63 other cities, most of which didn’t realize they were nominated.

Outside Magazine?” said Fred Tarkenton of Boulder, Colorado. “That’s not a real thing, is it? Are you sure you don’t mean Outdoors Magazine? That sounds more like a real publication.”

Ironically, the winner of the contest each year is usually whichever town has the most homebound residents who prefer voting in internet polls to actually going outside. However, since Provo is almost exclusively populated by Mormons who believe coffee is too technologically advanced for society, most of them don’t even own a computer.

“Well, Bill has one of them fancy ‘puters,” said Milton Davis, a local high school janitor who is also Provo’s mayor. “But he’s a child pornographer, so he needs one.”

Thoughts I’ve had while really, really high

- My god! Look at how wrinkled my fingers are at the joints. Is this normal? The next time I’m around people my own age, I need to make sure to compare.

- The dog would look really cool if I dyed him purple.

- I wonder if Emma Stone dates losers. No, wait! I wonder if Eva Green does. If not, I wonder if they date pretend winners? Because I can do that.

- Someone should invent McDonald’s food that I can eat in my house.

- Do people know I’m high? Can they tell? My eyes look normal in the mirror, but do they really look normal? Can they smell it on me? I can’t smell anything, but how do I know that other people can’t smell anything? Is there a product? Is there some sort of weed detector detector? Is everyone staring at me? Should I run?

Remember to celebrate your mom this weekend

Mother’s Day is this weekend. You should get her something nice, like a crisp $50 bill. Think of what she could do with that kind of money. She could get one of the windshield wipers on her car fixed at the dealership. She could buy three grams of chocolope or purple diesel from the long-haired gentleman down the street. She could put the whole bill down the pants of some nice young man down at the docks.

Maybe I’ll get something nice for your mom. Have you seen The Graduate?

All mom jokes aside, you should definitely get something for your mom this weekend. It’s Mother’s Day, after all, and your head is huge. She had to work to get you out. That was probably eight months of pilates afterward. The woman earned it. Reward her for the troubles you caused.

You may be stupid, but the world still has a plan for you

Cats are smarter than dogs. It’s a scientific fact. That’s why dogs are so much more fun. Cats are smart enough to know they’re being imprisoned in your home, so they mostly mope around. “Oh, you put food in my bowl? Maybe I’ll get around to eating it, if I feel like it.” Dogs are dumb and treat every meal like the greatest event in history. One of these reactions is fun. The other is not.

The same is true for people. Stupid people are more fun than smart people. Sure, Stephen Hawking is interesting, but he’s not tearing up the dance floor at Stargate. He’s not sneaking a backpack full of Four Loko into Coachella. Hawking doesn’t bang chicks without a rubber and a solid game plan. Hawking doesn’t spray paint huge dongs on billboards. At least not that we know of.

Long story short: The dumber you are, the easier it is to have fun. If you don’t believe me, ask your good friend alcohol. It’s designed specifically for that purpose. Beyond booze, intelligence is a trade-off: You can have these extra brain cells, but you also have to take these inhibitions.

750 pieces of advice for new graduates

It’s been seven long years of undergraduate studies, and your parents are finally forcing you to graduate. The real world contains no real jobs, so you’re doing your best to stay in the collegiate womb. “Prostitution is on the upswing amongst new graduates, dad. Can’t I stay in school and take creative writing and athletics coaching courses for one more year?” The charade is all for not. You’ve accumulated $4.7 billion in personal student loan debt. It’s time to spend the rest of your life working it off. Welcome to America and its modern form of slavery.

Perhaps you’d like some tips? I don’t actually have 750 of them, but I’ve seen a lot of articles offering 10 or even 24 tips for new graduates, so I figured 750 tips would impress the hell out of people. There’s your first tip: Lie about everything. You have no skills or experience. Our public school system has left you dumb and underqualified. Our society has left you selfish and unreasonably horny. Your only chance to be successful in life is to lie about everything that makes you a person. Stop playing by the rules! The 2014 workplace is a Thunderdome.

Here are some other upbeat tips that won’t depress you: