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I’m really regretting only having one good player

by Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings GM

Ahhhhhhhhh shit! Goddamn it! Dickholes! Balls! Big huge stupid balls! C’mon, man! Don’t do this to me. I had a thing going here. The little kid’s fine! He has some welts, but don’t we all? Some dads hit their kids with the entire tree. Well, not Minnesota dads, but guys in the South. Son of a bitch! Piece of shit! Damn it to hell! C’mon!

With our star running back Adrian Peterson suffering a season ending “beat a kindergartner with a tree branch” injury, all of us here at the Minnesota Vikings are scrambling to find another player who can compete at the professional level.

Honestly, if I had known Adrian was going to be banned from the league for beating up children, I would have signed a second good player for our team. We had a really great thing going. Imagine! An entire team with only one legitimate NFL player!

Well, I don’t have to ask you to imagine it. You’ve been living it for the past eight years. Thanks for that, by the way. I’ve made a tremendous amount of money off you while spending almost nothing. But those tossed salad days are over. Now season ticket holders are going to demand a full team. I’m so screwed.

Fall TV preview

Here are the latest new television programs hitting your screen this fall!

Tergus Dongley: Dog Flipper (FOX, reality show). Follow Tergus Dongley and his zany family as they buy the cutest dogs from the pound for $80 each and then flip them on Petfinder a week later for $600! You’ll laugh as his customers find out the hard way that none of the dogs are trained or housebroken! You’ll cry when half the dogs he sells end up having huge medical issues that bankrupt their new owners! You’ll curse angrily when he throws the dogs that don’t sell into a dumpster behind a Burger King!

Madam Secretary (CBS, drama). A lady Secretary of State?! OMG, that’s crazy!!! What happens when she has her period!?!! Tune in every week and watch Tea Leoni do things normally only accomplished by men like John Kerry or Hillary Clinton. She’ll do all sorts of shocking things you don’t normally see ladies do, like earn a paycheck, talk on the phone without gossiping, or converse with other men without her husband present. Aaron Sorkin didn’t write it, so rest assured this political drama won’t make you hate your television set.

Guy Who Notices Shit (ABC, mystery). Todd Beaves (Josh Radnor) used to be a cop, and a damn good one, but he was too eccentric to stay on the force. Now he’s a private detective, and the cops have hired him to help solve crimes! Roll your eyes again and again as the brilliant detective points out random things that no one else notices, conveniently spinning them into plot points that the writers can pull out of their asses without having to construct an actual mystery. It’s great to watch while you’re high, because you don’t have to figure anything out! Feel free to doze off for half of it. You won’t really miss anything interesting.

Tips for new students, by Chancellor Lendley Black

I normally hate students. They’re younger than me, they’re prettier than me and they’ve screwed up a much smaller portion of their lives than I have. Yet every year I write a column offering tips to help students. Why? Laziness, mainly. Anyway, let’s do some tips and fill up some space in the newspaper! Wheeee!

-Everybody likes french fries. That’s all you need to know. No matter what problem you’re having or which people are making your life unbearable, just remember that everyone likes french fries. If you offer someone fries and they say no, you don’t need to worry about them anymore because they are not a real person.

-When you ask out that hot girl or guy and they reject you, remember that ten years from now almost all of you will be obese and weird looking. Probably from all the french fries. So NBD.

-If you want to make friends, be sure to smoke lots of cool, refreshing Virginia Slims cigarettes. Virginia Slims: It tastes like new boyfriend!

NorShor Theater to become Fleshlight factory

After years of being jerked around, the city of Duluth is finally moving to completion in its attempt to erect the NorShor Theater downtown. Mayor Don Ness announced today that the theater has been sold to ILF, Inc. The company plans to use the space to manufacture its flagship Fleshlight adult gratification products.

“It’s been a lot of long, hard work by rigid men,” said Ness, proudly waving a Fleshlight in his raised hand. “But this factory will lubricate our local economy and inseminate hundreds of jobs into the area. After years of being thrust again and again into slippery financial holes, we will finally be able to stimulate our economy with our own hands.”

Fleshlights are artificial ladyparts contained within a handy carrying case that looks like a flashlight. These portable vaginas/butts became popular in late 2012, after Bruce Springsteen used one while performing his hit song “Glory Days” on The Tonight Show. The short musical interlude after the second chorus provided just enough time for a demonstration.

Donate, or be peed upon

I’m a big fan of ALS. I knew about it long before you did. I was into ALS back when you were still all up on heart disease’s nuts. I was first. You’re just discovering it now, because you are less worldly and cool than me. This information is very damaging to your fragile ego. I like ALS’ early stuff best, before it went all mainstream with ice bucket challenges for squares like you. Now that you and everyone else knows about it, I hate ALS and want to get rid of it.

Seriously. ALS is sooooooo lame, you guys.

If I see another ice bucket challenge from someone who has donated nothing, I might voluntarily develop Tourette’s Syndrome. So here’s what I’m proposing to further help the cause and get this unfashionable disease eradicated: I’m going to visit all my friends and relatives who did the ice bucket challenge. If they can’t produce a receipt proving they’ve also donated to the cause, I’m going to dump a bucket of my warm urine on their heads.