Narrator: Welcome to the 2014 Comic Con discussion panel for Game of Thrones! Thank you all for your dedication. I know it’s difficult to get into these panels. Since security doesn’t clear the room in between each one, many of you waited 10-12 hours outside and then sat through 3-4 other panels just so you wouldn’t miss this one. And after all that, you’re probably still stuck in the very back of the hall, where the actors all look like tiny ants. Thank you for your unreasonably blind fandom! We’re going to begin with . . .
Obese Fan: I have to go to the bathroom!
Narrator: Yes, well there’s one in the hallway outside. As I was saying, we . . .
Obese Fan: If I leave, people will steal my seat!
(The rest of the crowd murmurs approvingly, agreeing that they will definitely move up and steal his seat the minute he walks away)
Narrator: Well, perhaps one of your friends can save your seat.
Obese Fan: I slept on a concrete sidewalk for 16 hours to see a Game of Thrones discussion panel! I don’t have any friends!
Narrator: I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution. Let’s move on with the panel. Maisie Williams, you play Arya Stark in the show. How does it feel to be 17 years old yet have grown men sending you . . .
Bearded Weirdo: Excuse me! The guy next to me pissed himself.
Obese Fan: They were gonna steal my seat! Now they won’t!
Maisie Williams: (Clears throat) To answer your question, getting letters from elderly perverts is strange, but it’s why I got into this business. If I didn’t love the idea of 400,000 old men in crusted bathrobes pleasuring themselves to my image in unison, I’d just do theater or work in an office. The key is to not think about the huge . . .
Bearded Weirdo: Can someone deal with this piss guy? He will not stop pissing.
Obese Fan: I love you, Arya! This is for you, baby!
Maisie: Sigh. My name is Maisie.
Ken: Hi Arya! Ken Darvey from Texas here. I have a question. I’m wearing a Stadium Pal, which is like a do-it-yourself catheter that you duct tape to your junk. Can I just empty this thing out on the floor so no one steals my seat? I don’t want to miss anything.
Narrator: Please, everyone! There is a restroom right there. There’s no need for this.
Obligatory Fan Dressed Like Spock: I’ll pay someone $200 to save my seat. Seriously. I have to go to the bathroom so bad! It feels like my entire body is filled with pee right now.
Narrator: Do you have a question for the actors? If not, then sit down and be quiet.
Obligatory Fan Dressed Like Spock: Um, okay. How come there aren’t any Hispanic people on the show?
Narrator: Next question! Let’s move on to the next question!
Creepy Fan: I have a question. Arya, can I have a hug?
Maisie: No, that’s gross.
Creepy Fan: Okay, cool. Will you declare this as my seat so I can take a leak?
Narrator: Does anyone have a question that isn’t uncomfortable or wildly inappropriate?
Doug: Hi, this question is for Margaery Tyrell. My name is Doug.
Natalie Dormer: Hi Doug!
Doug: So in episode six of season two, you paused slightly before finishing a sentence. Was your casual hesitation a subtle nod to the 1946 film “The Bride Wore Boots”, in which Natalie Wood did the same thing?
Natalie: I don’t know and I don’t care, Doug.
Doug: Ok, cool. Can I smell your thighs?
Narrator: Security, please escort him out. Let’s sprint to the next question so this annual nightmare can be over.
Angry Fan: This question is for George RR Martin.
George: Hello, friend. What would you like to know?
Angry Fan: Fuck you.
George: Excuse me?
Angry Fan: Fuck you. All my favorite characters died in the Red Wedding. So go fuck yourself.
George: Despite the negative nature of your comment, it makes me happy that my writing touched so many people so deeply. That’s the greatest compliment an author can receive.
Angry Fan: I hope you fall down the stairs and fucking die.
Narrator: Sigh. This is just like when I used to teach third grade social studies. Let’s just show a movie so I don’t have to deal with any of you. This is an exclusive trailer for season five. The $200 you spent on a Comic Con ticket allows you to see it three days before we post it online for the general public to see for free from the comfort of their homes.
(The crowd goes wild)