Citing strong support from the public, the American government is moving forward with its plan to make Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf consume an enormous bag of dicks. Last week the bank admitted to opening thousands of fake credit accounts in their customers’ names to charge them extra fees. Eating a sack of dicks will serve as punishment.
Shockingly, Stumpf is eager to participate.
“I will eat those dicks,” said Stumpf, fastening a bib with a cartoon penis graphic around his neck. “We committed a horrible act. We cheated our own customers out of money, the very thing we were sworn to protect. We here at Wells Fargo are greedy and worthless shitbags, and to show exactly how sorry we are, I will ensure that each of these cold, mooshy penises slides through my warm lips, lingers for a brief moment in time, and are then swallowed whole. And I will smile like a Miss America contestant the entire time.”
The corporation polled millions of customers, seeking advice on how best to regain their trust. The overwhelming majority stated their demand loud and clear: Eating an enormous burlap sack of hairy dicks is the only punishment strong enough to make things right.
“It’s not going to be fun,” said Stumpf. “Some of these penises are very old and may not have the freshness one would normally find in a fine dining experience, but I’ll do it. By eating this moldy bag of dicks, I will feel exactly how every Wells Fargo customer feels every day.”
Stumpf isn’t wrong. The American public has been eating a metaphorical bag of dicks since the early 1980s, when corporations realized they could still make billions of dollars without the hassle of giving back to their communities, treating employees well or even offering the most basic level of customer service. But citizens are getting fed up with corporate greed, and CEOs like Stumpf are learning to open their hearts and their mouths.
The Department of Justice, which is the creme de la creme of dicking citizens, also understands this need.
“We don’t want a revolution,” said Loretta Lynch, Attorney General. “We don’t want a violent overthrow of the government, but with the shitty job we’ve been doing running things, making some rich dude eat a dick buffet is the least we can do. With nationwide bigoted police shootings, massive corporate welfare and an economy that’s more lifeless than the severed penises in that bag, regular citizens are on the verge of actually standing up for themselves. That doesn’t work in a corporate dictatorship. We realize now that keeping poor people just satisfied enough to shut up is the plan we should have been following all along.”
The government is sparing no expense with this luxurious bag of dicks. The burlap sack that holds the mostly human penises is of epic proportions, standing nearly 40 feet tall and 100 feet wide. It will hold somewhere to the tune of 12,000 circumcised dongs and 1,043 uncircumcised. The bag is currently stationed in Times Square in New York, with city maintenance crews watering and maintaining the dongs around the clock.
Similar to a hot dog eating contest, keeping the penises moist is key so they slide smoothly down the CEO’s throat. Watering them also keeps the dongs from sticking together in a clump that could get lodged in Stumpf’s throat or cause multiple penises to fly out his ears when he sneezes. Once the penises are adequately moist and clammy, Stumpf will begin his epic dong-a-thon.
Experts estimate it could take Stumpf 1-2 years to finish the entire bag. He’s not allowed to use sauces or seasonings, and he’s required to have a dong in his mouth at all times until he finishes, even when he’s asleep. Officials are currently discussing whether to also make Stumpf eat the burlap sack in which the dongs are stored.
“I haven’t seen the bottom of that bag, but it’s gotta be pretty nasty,” said Courtney Miles, one of the city workers tasked with keeping the dicks flaccid and slippery. “There’s gonna be things leftover in the bottom of that bag that no human being should ever see, let alone consume. I can’t wait to watch that smug jackass eat every last tip.”
Not everyone is satisfied. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) believes Stumpf should have been required to slap himself in the face with each of the cold, floppy penises before consuming them. Franken pushed the Senate to add these stipulations, but was blocked by penal conservatives pushing an anti-peen agenda.
Regardless of politics, making the CEO of Wells Fargo eat a bag of dicks has become a cultural event anticipated throughout the world. Every major network will cover the event from start to finish, with closeup pay-per-view options that will help fund another sack of new dicks for Comcast CEO Brian Roberts.
“I’m doing this for America,” said Stumpf, his eyes watering as he tried to swallow yet another mound of manhood from the endless sea of dongs spread before him. “Years from now, my great great grandchildren will look back on this and be proud. They’ll say, ‘My grampy ate more dicks than anyone. My grampy ate dicks for America!’”