Here at Paul’s Revenge Work Food, we strive to produce only the highest quality products. When you need to enact revenge on your co-workers with the absolute worst smelling lunches, we want to be your first and only choice. So it’s with great regret that we must request a safety recall of the following items recently sold by our company:
Brown River Indian Cuisine. For those who don’t want diarrhea, but want their co-workers to experience it osmotically, there is usually no finer product. It tastes great, but smells like the family dog’s bowel movement after eating bacon and eggs. Sadly, the last few batches were so intense that somewhere around 47 people died of rectal failure. Our apologies for the inconvenience.
Burnt Anus Microwavable Popcorn. Looking for the smelliest popcorn in the world, leaving behind an odor so intense that it will actually ruin the food people place in the microwave after it? Look no further. Unfortunately, the instructions on the package should have mentioned that adding salt or butter causes an unstable chemical reaction that often results in fiery explosions.
Aunt Bertha’s Curry Flavored Tuna Melt. We warned people to wear a professional grade nose plug when using this product, and to not actually put the product in their mouth for fear of food poisoning, but people just do whatever they want. No need to read the instructions, folks! Nothing important or useful in there, jackasses! It doesn’t clearly state “Do not put food in mouth.” Christ.
Uncle Spanky’s Tuna Melt Flavored Curry. I don’t understand people. We put a warning label on this one. It states quite clearly that you will die if you try to eat it. You don’t drink drain cleaner after buying it, do you? Then why the hell would you eat something called “Uncle Spanky’s Tuna Melt Flavored Curry”? It sound disgusting! It’s a shame Darwinism isn’t legal anymore, otherwise this product would still be on the shelf where it belongs.
Dead Possums in a Bowl. A delicious southern delicacy! We’re not really sure what the problem was with this one. The title describes the product perfectly. It is dead possums inside a microwavable bowl. Nuke it and leave it in the company break room unattended while you take the afternoon off. It’s not our fault if people don’t believe our descriptions. But whatever, send it back for a refund.
Virginia Slims Gizzard & Onion Flavored Cigarettes. Do you work in Kentucky but don’t like eating at your desk? Just put your feet up and light one of these smokes instead. Granted, we didn’t note on the packaging that you’d have to bathe in tomato juice for a solid 48 hours to get rid of the odor, but it’s a pack of cigarettes, folks. There isn’t much room left on the packaging for additional warnings.
Stagnant, Festering Hot Dog Water. Do you hate the smell of hot dogs boiling in water but have no way to properly reproduce it at work? Well, here you go. Put it in your least favorite mug and heat it up. Sure, we packaged it in Aquafina bottled water containers without bothering to change the label, but we have to cut costs somewhere. We’re saving you money, you ingrates! It seems those who pay the least always complain the most. Especially people who think they’re buying Aquafina bottled water.
Miss DuBois’ Patent Pending Boiled Cabbage Flavored Dildo. This workplace food item was mainly made for people who work as webcam pornographers and prostitutes, but we figured that would be self-explanatory. Frankly, I’m rather impressed that someone who buys a dildo made out of boiled cabbage would have the guts to return it.
Marijuana Flavored Marijuana. Who knew it was illegal to sell weed in most states? We didn’t. Our internet’s been down all morning, though.
Mayonnaise Fart Sticks. This was one of our best selling items before one bad customer ruined them for everyone. You’re not supposed to dip them in mayonnaise, Kenneth! That’s like dipping a hydrogen bomb in more hydrogen. Maybe if Kenneth Bronson of Banyon, Idaho wasn’t such a dick clown, a quality product wouldn’t currently be getting besmirched in our fine legal system. You suck, Kenneth! We’re glad the left side of your body no longer functions!
Gentle Ben’s Asparagus Queefs. I use this quality chewing gum every day. I’ve never had a problem before. If people are growing a third testicle, it’s probably related to something else they’re doing, like eating too many carbs or using our products after midnight. Out of the 4,752 people who filed a class action lawsuit, I’ll bet at least 90 percent of them are friends with Kenneth.
Beverly Cleary’s Horse Poop Popsicles. What? You can’t copyright a person’s name, can you? Apparently, author Beverly Cleary thinks you can, because she’s suing us. It seems a bit unlikely that anyone would confuse our all-natural horse poop popsicles with the author of beloved children’s’ books. But I guess we can remove her photo from the box if she’s going to be a baby about it.