Multiple sources have confirmed what so many Americans have feared: That Richfield, MN resident Todd Clarkson is still talking about the 2016 presidential election. The 24-year-old is the last remaining American still concerned that Donald Trump is the new Grand Wizard of our flaming tire yard of a democracy.
Americans – all of whom have totally moved on by now – were shocked that the convenience store worker didn’t have more important matters on his mind.
“Is Todd aware there’s a new Baywatch movie coming out?” said Fran Barkenson of West Virginia. “I feel like he wouldn’t be so disillusioned with the imminent death of America’s integrity and safeguards if he knew what The Rock was cookin’. Have you seen that guy’s biceps? I’ll bet he either has a huge dong or a super tiny one. I predict $30 million opening weekend based on moms wanting to see floppy PG-13 dickshorts. Even Putin can’t interfere with that! If he did, Americans wouldn’t stand for it.”
Even complete weirdos who voted for Evan McMullin and Jill Stein in November have completely shut up about the unending corruption and despair that’s about to consume our entire existence. It’s difficult to understand why stupid Todd won’t do the same.
“I’m a hardcore political activist myself and I hate how Trump is successfully bullying NPR and other media outlets into submission, but there are more important issues on the table right now,” said Fred Niedermeyer of San Francisco, CA. “For instance, is Todd aware that Barbara Walters thinks the legacy of The View has been besmirched? It used to be a place to discuss views that mattered to women. Now it’s just Whoopi Goldberg talking about her marijuana butt cream and four other goons guessing celebrity penis shapes and which ones would best fit their lady vagoos. Is Todd really worried about who’s running the free world when our nation’s most skilled investigative journalists are being destroyed by apathy and pop culture distractions? Eat a shopping bag filled with poop, Todd!”
Americans agree that times are difficult for everyone right now, and it’s important for Todd to rally around the issues that are most urgent.
“Trump may have angered one of the world’s largest superpowers that we owe trillions of dollars to, but we can fix that whenever,” said Larry Finkman of Phart, New Jersey. “What we can’t fix is the new Gilmore Girls episodes. How did they screw those up so badly? If you’re going to ruin my sixth favorite network television series of the noughts, at least do it by adding gratuitous nudity. We need to stop this tragedy now before they screw up the Firefly reboot! Are you listening, Todd?! Answer me you jaded son of a bitch!”
Todd quit Facebook a month ago to keep himself from arguing about politics and becoming overly negative, which only enraged the public further. Critics like Leslie Finklespoon of Chicago, IL have heavily berated him for this choice, warning that not being on social media and relying entirely on valid news sources means Todd may not see the issues that matter most.
“Call of Duty video games are an American institution and sales of their latest game are down 50 percent, so I hardly think this is the time to be worried about the integrity of our electoral process,” said Finklespoon. “As a nation, we need to focus on why the seven COD games released this year aren’t selling well. Obama and the Clinton’s got us into this mess, and I won’t rest until everyone on Facebook knows! Goddamn you, Todd! We need your help, you dick!”
Despite widespread criticism, Todd still refuses to heed the public’s demands. Droning on endlessly about the CIA’s belief that Russia interfered with the results of the election, Todd has become completely immune to our nation’s Call of Duty hardships. His super boring nerd concerns are completely out of touch with the rest of the nation’s super cool ones.
“Who cares if Trump is using Twitter to cause drastic fluctuations in the stock market for companies he believes hold personal grudges against him?” said Anderson Andrews of Anders, WY. “Let’s focus on things that affect all of us. Is Todd aware that there are still people playing Pokemon Go? We need to help those people. How are they supposed to get anywhere in this world if they’re not super cool and following the latest trends? It’s high time we started lending a hand to the less fortunate in this country. I hate Todd so goddamn much.”
Fortunately, most Americans have found productive and useful issues to concern themselves with, instead of endlessly dwelling on the meaningless political chess game that defines literally every aspect of the existence of our species. Despite idiots like Todd, the rest of the nation’s priorities are still top notch.
“The Oakland Raiders are 10-3! America fuckin’ rules, bitch!” said Melanie Hogsnought of Oakland. “Black and silver lives matter! I don’t know anything about black people being murdered by our country’s new mainstream neo-nazi movement or Muslims being cataloged for internment camps, but as long as it doesn’t interrupt our championship season, it’s all good with me!”
Hogsnought then suggested that perhaps the Muslim internment camps were good luck, with the fear of an entire race of people fueling her local sports team’s success.
Stupid idiot Todd was unavailable for comment.