Skip to content

Online bigotry levels dangerously low during second GOP debate

Public health officials are warning that the nation’s online bigotry reserves reached a catastrophically low level during Wednesday’s second Republican debate. Hateful, overly aggressive comments on both traditional and social media sites were down 94 percent during the event.

“It’s really disappointing how lazy bigots have become,” said Dan Peedik, a member of the Tea Party and retired police officer. “America is a melting pot filled with different people, and it’s important that we collectively piss in that pot and then hang the pot from a tree until it’s dead. Yet during debates, everyone’s watching TV instead of hating. It almost makes hating people feel unfulfilling.”

Bigoted comments on the internet dropped from its usual level of “almost all” to a surprising “almost none” between 7 and 10pm on Wednesday. Many bigots say the never-ending political cycle in America is exhausting them, and the increased diversity of Americans is creating a workload that has become a growing challenge for ignorant douchebags nationwide.

Co-worker refuses to remove Boba Fett costume from last week

The mass marketing campaign known as Force Friday is over, but Logistics manager Steve Wang of Glenlee Assets Inc has continued wearing his Boba Fett costume to work for the past week, and seems to have no interest in stopping.

“Everyone thought it was fun the first day he did it,” said Manuel Rodriguez, an advertising copywriter. “But it’s now it’s just getting a little sad. He’s completely destroying the mystique and illusion of the entire Star Wars universe for all of us. I want to see Boba Fett shooting people and hunting bounties, not eating Chex Mix by himself and pushing a metal ruler down his costume to scratch his balls when he thinks no one’s looking. No matter how good the new movie is, all I’ll be able to think about while watching it is that time I saw Boba Steve sitting on the toilet in one of our door-less restroom stalls. The noises that accompanied that vision were beyond this galaxy.”

No one in Boba Steve’s workplace knows why he’s doing it, and no one likes him enough to ask, but theories abound. Some say the costume helps mask his sadness after missing out on Friday’s release of the coveted BB-8 toy, or perhaps one of the Millennium Falcon drones that also sold out in a matter of minutes. Others suspect he just hates his co-workers and is looking for an excuse not to speak to anyone.

Biden announces candidacy for 2016 Miss Universe

Standing tall and pretty as a picture, Vice President Joe Biden announced his candidacy today for the 2016 Miss Universe pageant.

“Vice Presidents don’t really do much,” said Biden. “So over the past seven years, I’ve had a lot of time to get myself ready for swimsuit season. I’m doing all this work for myself, but I figured if someone happens to notice how nice I look and wants to give me a prize for it, well heck, I like prizes!”

Sources within The White House say the Vice President has been practicing for months, balancing books on his head while walking through the legislature to improve his posture, practicing smiling and waving into the front-facing camera of his cellphone during Senate hearings, and even having secret service agents try to catch him off guard by asking challenging questions about womanhood at random times throughout each day.

“The essence of being a woman is in harvesting the wheat of my coital loins,” whispered Biden, pacing outside the Lincoln Bedroom as he tried to memorize his answers. “When I embrace the true potency and intrinsic strength and presence of my feminine energy, I’m sharing the beauty of my feminine details without giving away my preciousness. Our collective ovaries are a school bus without a stop, and only we may drive.”

Man walking dog sober for first time losing patience

Greg Botwin, age 27, has owned a dog for seven years, and today is the first time he hasn’t been high while walking him. The experience has been less than stellar.

“I never realized how boring walking a dog can be,” said Botwin. “Everything’s so… not euphoric. I used to stare blankly into space the whole walk and think about how soft a bathtub full of marshmallows would be, or how amazing it looks when boobs jiggle in slow motion, or I’d daydream about breaking into a candy factory at night and jumping into a huge vat of chocolate. But now those daydreams all seem really stupid, and I’m realizing how much I hate walking this god-forsaken dog.”

Botwin always smokes a bowl after getting home from work, making walks with the dog pleasant and calming. But today he has to attend brunch with his future in-laws, so he’s unable to get high. As a result, his walk with the dog has become a tension-filled nightmare.

“I just wanna shout ‘HURRY UP’ at him, like, every five seconds,” said Botwin. “Does the dog always walk this slow? Does he always sniff every single damn thing on his way around the block? I mean, I can understand hitting up all the trees, or even all the signposts and fire hydrants, but why is he stopping to pee on that wall? That’s not even a plausible thing a dog can own. Good lord, dog! Just keep walking for, like, five seconds without stopping! Just c’mon already! Can we go, dog? Is your royal highness satisfied? Jesus.”

Latest Farmer’s Almanac loathed by all

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, an institution in the agriculture world for 224 years, has just concluded that you’re going to freeze your balls off this winter. The latest publication hits stores this week, and locals are fuming over its prediction of one of the coldest, snowiest winters in recent history.

As expected, local farmers were the least amused by the predictions.

“I wish the whole lot of them would go eat a bag of dicks,” said Frank Junkers, a farmer from Denham, MN. “Every year they predict an endless winter followed by a dry summer, and every year I tell them to eat dicks. There’s no way to know for sure, but I suspect they haven’t eaten even one. There’s not a lot of integrity over there.”