Public health officials are warning that the nation’s online bigotry reserves reached a catastrophically low level during Wednesday’s second Republican debate. Hateful, overly aggressive comments on both traditional and social media sites were down 94 percent during the event.
“It’s really disappointing how lazy bigots have become,” said Dan Peedik, a member of the Tea Party and retired police officer. “America is a melting pot filled with different people, and it’s important that we collectively piss in that pot and then hang the pot from a tree until it’s dead. Yet during debates, everyone’s watching TV instead of hating. It almost makes hating people feel unfulfilling.”
Bigoted comments on the internet dropped from its usual level of “almost all” to a surprising “almost none” between 7 and 10pm on Wednesday. Many bigots say the never-ending political cycle in America is exhausting them, and the increased diversity of Americans is creating a workload that has become a growing challenge for ignorant douchebags nationwide.
“There’s so many races now, I don’t even have time to hate Hispanics anymore,” said Todd Buttfer of the Torn Angels Motorcycle Club, a tear welling up in his eye. “Everything with these young bigots is just Muslims, Muslims, Muslims. I’ve been hating people different than me since before these kids were even born, but none of them care about experience. They only care about which hatred is trendy. It would be nice to see some diversity in our racial discrimination.”
Mark Fartsee, a former grand wizard of the klu klux klan, is also finding it difficult to keep up with modern bigotry. The pure volume of media to contaminate during a presidential election has become overwhelming, stretching his idiocy thinner every month. Fartsee used to comment 300 times per week on random Star Tribune articles, reminding people that Planned Parenthood is run by black people who sneak into hospitals and throw white babies in the trash. Yet since the GOP debates began, he’s only posted 70 times each week.
“There’s certainly a lot of people missing out on valuable information,” said Fartsee. “For instance, I learned this week that ISIS made a plaster cast of Obama’s penis, which they can use to bypass Camp David’s security measures and launch nukes. We could be in real danger here, but sometimes I get home after a long day and I just wanna relax and watch TV, y’know?”
Innovators like Doug Plantainfart, a mentally disturbed pastor from Gainesville, Florida, are also hurting. Plantainfart used to troll Target’s Facebook page using 60 different fake user profiles, artificially inflating his own bigotry to 60 times its natural size, but he finds himself less motivated when there’s good things to watch on TV.
“I hate TV! It just drains my energy and ambitions,” said Plantainfart, wearing a Scott Walker t-shirt he added poorly spelled gay slurs to with a black marker. “Target needs to know that removing signs that indicate gender on toys is turning American children into an army of shit eating, Divine Pink Flamingos cross-dressers. But I also feel like it’s only a matter of time before Donald Trump blurts out a racial slur in a nationally televised debate, and I don’t want to miss that.”
On the flip side, normal human beings who aren’t terrified of mild change or people different than them have been overjoyed by the brief period of pleasantness, with some of them even starting exclusive clubs that only chat online when GOP debates are on TV.
“I went on the Duluth News-Tribune website during the debate and there were hardly any horrible comments at all,” said Chrys Balmer, a hardware store employee from Richfield, MN. “All the local Hoopleheads and dinguses were watching the debate, so non-crazy subscribers had three full hours of meaningful conversation. We were able to discuss everything from recipes to the city’s budget for pothole repairs without anyone trying to shoehorn Obama or Fox News into our unrelated conversations. It was amazing!”
Fortunately, this bizarre and un-American period of civility ended at the same time the debate did, restoring the nation’s precious bigotry reserves to their former glory. Within moments of the event’s conclusion, inbred racist hillbillies once again returned to blaming Mexicans for produce prices, Middle-Eastern people for job outsourcing, and African Americans for everything else.
“If it weren’t for all these illegal immigrants wanting more money to pick strawberries, it wouldn’t be so damn hot outside right now,” wrote Obamaeatsdicks27 at 10:01pm on an article about a local Girl Scout troop volunteering at a nursing home. “Stupid Jews and Muslims are taking over everything. In six months we’ll all be wearing burkas on our heads and Chinese finger traps on our manhood. And you know only the Chinese can get those things off. Also, I hate Columbians for reasons I have not yet fully worked out. Stay tuned.”
Experts say Americans have no reason to be worried. Bigoted, hateful trolling online and in person has actually increased over the past decade as more people have warmed to the internet. Racism in general is also at record breaking levels, and will continue to thrive through millions of awful human beings passing down their ignorance to their children the old-fashioned way.