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Obama appoints ‘DickPunch 4000’ to Supreme Court

Nov 1, 2016 – After nearly 10 months of vicious infighting between President Obama and the Senate, Obama is attempting to appoint America’s first robot Supreme Court Justice. The robot, named DickPunch 4000, is a Harvard graduate who earned simultaneous master’s degrees from Stanford, MIT, Yale, and the University of Oxford. He also excelled in ballet at Juilliard. The 20-foot tall robot speaks 700 different languages and does not have emotions.

The appointment of DickPunch 4000 comes after the Senate rejected ten of Obama’s previous appointments, including Attorney General Loretta Lynch, Judge Merrick Garland, Judge Padmanabhan Srikanth Srinivasan, Judge Jacqueline Nguyen, Judge Sri Srinivasan, Elmo from Sesame Street, Obama’s 17-year-old daughter Malia, a wax statue of Ronald Reagan, and Christian lord and savior Jesus Christ. While it’s unusual to see Republicans reject Jesus Christ, they were worried he’d be soft on second amendment rights.

Cupid charged with 105.3 billion counts of drugging people

After years of allegations, Cupid is finally on trial regarding charges that he drugged billions of men and women with a date rape substance he calls “love”. Over 105 billion people have stepped forward as victims, joining together in a class action lawsuit. The testimony alone lasted months.

“I dated this guy once who made me watch professional wrestling every week for a year,” said Carrie Block, one of Cupid’s millions of victims. “He also used to eat spaghetti with slices of American cheese. I was so confused! I couldn’t figure out what possessed me to keep dating such a loser. Now it’s clear that Cupid’s arrow forced me to fall for a douchebag.”

Perhaps most disturbing is the distribution method for “love”. The drug – which has not been approved by the FDA – can only be administered by firing a bow and arrow into the person’s chest. Assuming the target survives, they’ll become obsessed with the first person they see, even if that person is really, really ugly.

Giant murderous duck expected to attack in August

A 61-foot tall yellow duck is on a murderous rampage, and its next stop is Duluth. Weighing nearly 11 tons, the vicious duck with a lust for human blood will destroy everyone and everything in its path. “Mama”, as the duck is called, has already leveled the once thriving metropolises of Toronto, Canada and Fairport, Ohio.

Nearly 1.2 million people died in Toronto as the giant flesh-eating duck smashed through the city like a runaway freight train through a paper mache toilet filled with raccoons. Spewing fire and brimstone from its razor-sharp beak, the cruel monster cooked and swallowed innocent citizens in one swift motion. Those who weren’t eaten were burned alive in the fires or crushed to death inside crumbling buildings.

“That duck is some bullshit,” said Travis Gleen, one of Toronto’s local youths. “He looks all smiley and shit, but once he gets close he’ll eat your friend Dave. Trust me, I know. Took Dave’s head clean off! I don’t even mind all that, it’s the poop everywhere. There’s duck poop the size of my car all over Harbourfront Centre. Somebody needs to clean that shit up so people can walk around here. What’s the use of having a lakewalk if nobody can walk on it? These damn ducks are out of control.”

Lawler graciously declines Best Columnist award

The Duluth News-Tribune’s Christa Lawler is this year’s top columnist in the Best of the Northland awards, but she won’t be for long. Lawler has declined to accept the award, shocking the region and leaving runner-up Paul Ryan to take the reigns. He will receive both the bragging rights and the $400,000 cash prize that comes with the honor.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking this weekend, and I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone who reads the Duluth Reader smells like farts,” said Lawler, in a quote totally not made up by one of her rivals writing a pretend news story about her. “Because of this, and only this, I will be declining the award. Paul Ryan is now the best columnist in the Northland. Frankly, he always has been. I don’t know what these country yokels were thinking, voting him into second place yet again.”

Some find Lawler’s timing for the announcement a bit too convenient. Currently on parole for throwing a soiled diaper at a bald eagle, Lawler’s kind gesture seems to be giving her a public relations boost, distracting the public from the numerous photos of poop eagles that otherwise would have dominated the front page news this week. Lawler claims the timing is merely a coincidence.

Superior, WI first to support medicinal alcohol

In a groundbreaking new law, Superior, WI has become the first city in the nation to support medicinal alcohol. If successful, residents throughout Wisconsin may finally be able to legally buy alcohol from a dispensary instead of purchasing mediocre and potentially dangerous product in the black market.

“Dude, this is awesome!” said Dustin Blankfield of Superior Township. “If I wanted alcohol before, I had to buy it off some dude who hangs out in the laundry room of my apartment building. I’d have to sit there hanging out with him all afternoon like we were friends, and I could only get whatever crappy strain of alcohol he had that week. But dispensaries are amazing. Imagine if you could walk into a regular store and buy alcohol. That’s exactly what it’s like! It’s crazy!”

Alcohol dispensaries provide dozens of different alcohol strains for people to choose from. There’s “Miller Lite”, a strain grown in Milwaukee that’s known for its lighter flavor, making it great for daytime drinkers who still want to get a lot of work done. Some prefer more exotic strains like Coors Light, which is similar but reportedly grown in the high altitudes of the Rocky Mountains. Truly daring consumers may go for an international strain like Guinness, grown in the faraway land of Ireland. This strain is fuller and richer, providing a more euphoric experience that sometimes makes consumers sleepy or “couch locked”.