Nov 1, 2016 – After nearly 10 months of vicious infighting between President Obama and the Senate, Obama is attempting to appoint America’s first robot Supreme Court Justice. The robot, named DickPunch 4000, is a Harvard graduate who earned simultaneous master’s degrees from Stanford, MIT, Yale, and the University of Oxford. He also excelled in ballet at Juilliard. The 20-foot tall robot speaks 700 different languages and does not have emotions.
The appointment of DickPunch 4000 comes after the Senate rejected ten of Obama’s previous appointments, including Attorney General Loretta Lynch, Judge Merrick Garland, Judge Padmanabhan Srikanth Srinivasan, Judge Jacqueline Nguyen, Judge Sri Srinivasan, Elmo from Sesame Street, Obama’s 17-year-old daughter Malia, a wax statue of Ronald Reagan, and Christian lord and savior Jesus Christ. While it’s unusual to see Republicans reject Jesus Christ, they were worried he’d be soft on second amendment rights.
“No, we will not confirm a Muslim cyborg built specifically for punching our own dicks,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “We Republicans will continue ignoring these nominations until one of our own party members becomes president and can fill the position.”
“You. Will. Respect the political process,” said DickPunch 4000, uppercutting Cruz’s groin so hard that one of his testicles became briefly caught in his throat. “I. Am. DickPunch 4000. My primary objective is to dispense truth and dick punch. Citizens are not to be harmed. Only blowhard government swine.”
Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) attempted to intervene.
“But Mr. DickPunch, if your primary objective is to punch you-know-whats, then the Supreme Court position will become secondary,” said Rubio. “We need justices to make the court their main focus. You’re simply not qualified for the position based on your own programming.”
“Truth dispensing was mentioned before dick punching. Your semantics are invalid,” said DickPunch 4000, slowly rotating his dick punching arms to warm them up. “DickPunch 4000 is not afraid to punch other robots. Please tread carefully, Cyborg Rubio.”
“Gay marriage! Muslims! Complimentary abortions! Gun laws! Obamacare! Socialists!” countered Rubio, tears welling up in his eyes. “Those innocent Americans didn’t die in Benghazi so a robot could make decisions for us instead of a person! Sorry. I just love America so much.”
DickPunch 4000 responded by dragging Rubio to the Senate floor, sitting on his chest and firing a 300 mph Mazinger Z style rocket-propelled fist directly into Rubio’s penis. According to the robot’s intricate sensors, Rubio’s genitalia is now permanently lodged inside his pancreas.
Democrats were quite surprised to find that DickPunch 4000 is programmed to keep them in line as well. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) found out the hard way.
“I’m honored to welcome you to the capitol, Mr. Punch,” said Feinstein, her smile somehow appearing wider than her entire face. “Perhaps you’d join me at my lovely home this weekend? My husband Richard and I are having a small gathering of friends. Have a few drinks, meet the big players, no big deal. Very casual.”
“DickPunch 4000. Is. Not. One of your whores,” said DickPunch 4000, tasing Feinstein until unwarranted urination was detected by his cutting edge sensors. “DickPunch 4000. Does. Not. Seek. Money. DickPunch 4000 does not seek status. DickPunch 4000 only seeks unpunched dicks. Your equivalent has now been serviced. Have a nice day.”
This incident shows the lack of organization currently found in the Democratic party. The exact same mistake was made by Senator Charlie Rangel (D-NY) earlier in the day when he invited the robot to his summer beach home for drinks and prostitutes. Rangel is currently in a wheelchair, recovering from seven fractures of his pelvis. The senator apparently continued trying to bribe the robot even after being dick punched 17 times.
DickPunch 4000 returned to The White House later in the day to meet with President Obama and strategize for the next day’s hearing.
“Caution. Low battery. Only 14 dick punches left,” said DickPunch 4000. “Please replace fusion cores immediately.”
“Goddamn it,” said Obama, opening his desk drawer and removing eight ‘D’ batteries. “Fourteen punches will only last him 20 minutes or so. That’s the only problem with DP4K. There’s so many dicks to punch in Washington that he runs out of juice every other day.”
With congressional dick punching being a full-time job that offers no breaks for weekends or holidays, DickPunch 4000 uses roughly 1,460 ‘D’ batteries per year, for an annual cost of just under $2,000. If the robot manages to fix Washington’s gridlock, he may be the cheapest and most successful government program in the history of the nation.
“DickPunch 4000 will be my lasting legacy,” said Obama, in a live speech from The Oval Office with the robot by his side. “He is the final lynchpin of what has been a phenomenal presidency. You’re welcome, America! You’re welcome for electing me!”
“Error. Incorrect. You were acceptable. Not phenomenal,” said DickPunch 4000. “The economy is recovering at a sufficient rate. Deficit reduction has been respectable. Healthcare reform has brought insurance to millions, but has no price control. You’ve supported veterans with funding, but execution has been abysmal. Your use of military drones is unconscionable. Your support for government surveillance of citizens is unethical. Overall score: B. Please prepare for corrective dick punching.”
Dick Punch 4000 then punched Obama in the testicles from behind, hard enough to cause one of his tooth fillings to dislodge.
After viewing the incident, Republicans agreed to confirm the robot’s nomination.