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I guess local humor columnist will just write another St. Patrick’s Day column

After paging through local newspapers, skimming celebrity gossip headlines and reviewing Facebook’s trending topics list, area newspaper columnist Paul Ryan will just write another goddamn St. Patrick’s Day column, he guesses. This will be the thirty-seventh St. Patrick’s Day themed column Ryan has written since 2002. The columnist said he’s completely out of ideas and “doesn’t give a single fat crap” anymore.

“To be honest, I’m completely flaccid right now,” said Ryan, pouring a fourth shot of breakfast scotch into a novelty coffee mug with “Writing Juice” printed on the front. “I’ve been limp for days. As soon as Sunday hits and that writing deadline gets close, I get hella floppy. Happens every week. It just keeps shrinking and shrinking, smaller every second until the writing is done.”

Ryan’s inability to get his writing up will lead him to yet again write a humor column involving lazy, stereotypical St. Patrick’s Day jokes about getting wasted and vomiting into objects that are comically pleasing. Regular readers – which include only Ryan’s parents and the newspaper employees who edit his work – will sigh loudly and skim the column so they won’t hurt his feelings if he references it later.

Distraught middle-aged person would really like to warn you about Trump

They’re waiting for you. You don’t login to Facebook much anymore, but they’re still there, patiently waiting. You’ll login sometime, and when you do, you’ll see one of the 17 neurotic panic-attacks they post about Trump each week. Facebook is middle-aged parents’ turf now, and they’ve never felt so alive!

No one’s sure of the exact time or moment that every boring middle-aged person in America became terrified of Trump. Perhaps it was his meaningless popularity in the recent primaries, an unrealistic desire to be John Oliver or the fact that pop culture takes considerably longer to reach the elderly. But the only thing crazier than Trump at the moment is middle-aged people who read too many clickbait articles on The Huffington Post.

“I’m done making comments about Donald Trump,” wrote VapeDad43, clearly lying. “But if we don’t do something soon, Trump will be president and ALL OF US will be RAPED by MISOGYNISTS and people who PEE in PUBLIC pools. Sorry if I’m being OBNOXIOUS but I feel like it’s MY DUTY to FIX THIS.”

Woman with broken cellphone hates people even more now

No matter who she’s with or what she’s doing, Jennifer Catanus is always staring at her phone. When it broke, she knew it would be a rough couple of days. She had no idea just how rough.

Like most human beings, Catanus stares at her phone for literally 15 of the 16 hours she’s awake each day. Like a blind person, she hears the people and events happening around her, but uses other senses to get around without looking up. With the phone gone, it was like her sight had been restored, and she didn’t like what he saw.

“Wow, there sure are a lot of mentally ill people on public transit,” said Catanus, nervous for the first time in four years of daily bus commutes. “Why the hell is that lady clipping her damn toenails? No one is confronting her. No one! Am I the only one who sees this?”

Over 1.2 million Kit Kats recalled

Millions of Kit Kats are “taking a break” after widespread complaints, and consumers are buzzing about it. Literally. The factory that produces the chocolate-colored wafers recently had a production error causing 1.2 million of the wafers under the chocolate to be replaced with swarms of live bees.

The affected candy bars look and feel like real Kit Kats, but they’re merely a chocolate-covered trojan horse delivering dozens of angry, stinging bees into the mouths of consumers. The manufacturer’s spokesman urged the public to remain calm.

“Oh dear lord, the bees have breached the shipping bay!” said spokesman Kent Doogle. “Ahhhhhhh! So many stings! The caffeine in the chocolate is making them angrier! Kill them all with fire! It’s too late for us! Burn us all to hell and save yourselves! Gahhhhh! They’re in my mouth! Blaaaabloogleblumthhh!”

Obama appoints ‘DickPunch 4000’ to Supreme Court

Nov 1, 2016 – After nearly 10 months of vicious infighting between President Obama and the Senate, Obama is attempting to appoint America’s first robot Supreme Court Justice. The robot, named DickPunch 4000, is a Harvard graduate who earned simultaneous master’s degrees from Stanford, MIT, Yale, and the University of Oxford. He also excelled in ballet at Juilliard. The 20-foot tall robot speaks 700 different languages and does not have emotions.

The appointment of DickPunch 4000 comes after the Senate rejected ten of Obama’s previous appointments, including Attorney General Loretta Lynch, Judge Merrick Garland, Judge Padmanabhan Srikanth Srinivasan, Judge Jacqueline Nguyen, Judge Sri Srinivasan, Elmo from Sesame Street, Obama’s 17-year-old daughter Malia, a wax statue of Ronald Reagan, and Christian lord and savior Jesus Christ. While it’s unusual to see Republicans reject Jesus Christ, they were worried he’d be soft on second amendment rights.