It’s a chilly Wednesday afternoon, and the tundra is barren. What was once an area teeming with wildlife is now depleted of nearly every living thing. The midday sun reaches its peak over the mountains, revealing a small herd of Foodies exiting the safety of the brush to quench their thirst. For wildlife expert Jeff Santos, this is a sight that hasn’t been seen in months.
“This is one of the first signs of the social media ecosystem returning to stability,” exclaimed Santos, barely able to contain his excitement. “They’re sharing terrible photos of their half eaten food! My goodness, this is a very good omen! The herds are ready to return to the fruitful land from which they were once driven.”
Easily spooked, Foodies are the most common of the species found in social media. In a few weeks time, there will be a thriving community of millions reappearing in the ecosystem, drawing in far more cautious and useful wildlife that aren’t horrendously boring. While not the most intelligent or interesting of local species, they are the most desperate. Their sad need to share photos of their boring meals makes them the first to reappear after the controlled burn of an election cycle.
Only a few days ago, these plains were overrun with brutal predators. The mating cycle of the vicious Polititards only comes to fruition once every four years, but their chaos fully cleanses the social media landscape of all other species. While Polititards are always foul, insufferable and irrational, they become especially combative during this mating season. Feeling the need to protect their political mate of choice, the Polititards will become vicious with any species in their path, especially the 95 percent who are more intelligent than them.
“The cruel reign of the Polititard species is a short occurrence, lasting only three to four months, but even that small amount of time is enough to destroy an entire ecosystem,” said Santos. “They’re the dumbest and most savage species I’ve ever catalogued. They patrol the social media landscape like scavengers, destroying the ecosystem with endless identical screams of half-truths and irrational anger in the comment sections of others. No one likes them. They don’t even like themselves.”
This year’s mating season was especially rough. The list of potential mates was unreasonably mediocre, leading to a longer cycle and more brutal destruction of the social fabric. Many predicted that the ecosystem may never recover, but now that a disappointing mate has been chosen, the Polititards have calmed and small buds of life are starting to bloom again.
Nor far from the droughted area, a herd of Meatheads loudly stomp about, play fighting with one another. Their constant teasing regarding meaningless sporting events sometimes results in angry battles, but these fights mostly remain verbal. Their small genitalia and bloated bodies make their libidos and energy output quite miniscule.
“Like the Foodies, Meatheads are also essentially useless, but their return to the land shows that Mother Nature’s life cycle is renewing itself,” said Santos, checking the safety on his rifle. “While usually harmless, Meatheads are by far the most sensitive and emotional of the social media ecosystem, and they can get quite drunk and aggressive. It’s best we stay clear of their flaccid douchebaggery.”
Moving into the protected areas of the landscape, where the walled gardens of Facebook Groups mostly protect wildlife from the vicious waves of political annoyance, Santos introduces us to more friendly species of mammals.
“These are Potheads,” said Santos, pinching his nose to deter the potent, forever present stench of cannabis. “They’re a very important part of the social media food chain because everyone makes fun of them, even the lesser species. The massive bong hits they take make them very docile and friendly.”
Squawking endlessly about the supposed health benefits of snoopin’ doobies, Potheads spend the entirety of their existence trying to convince others to adopt their peaceful ways. While the benefits of smoking marijuana oil or rubbing it all over one’s genitals is certainly debatable, most species only make minor use of this beneficial herb.
In the depths of the park, far away from all other wildlife lives everyone’s least favorite species: Writers. Burnt out and washed up with their best years behind them, writers only come to Facebook to shamelessly self-promote their Duluth Reader humor columns. They offer little value, engaging with no one, mating with no one and whining incessantly about how few likes their unreasonably long screeds get.
“Look at this pathetic loser,” said Santos, whispering for fear of having to converse with the disappointing species. “This one calls himself Paul Ryan. Even his name is uncreative. It’s been so long since he’s been paid for his writing that he’s become very bitter. Look at how little care he gives to his appearance. He only emerges from his cave of sadness to walk his dog, and he doesn’t even pretend to clean up the defecation. At least take out a doody bag and fake it, Paul. Have some self respect!”
While this ecosystem is barren, over time the land will repair itself. The wildlife will thrive again. No matter how damaged the world becomes, it will survive and so will we.
“Social media has been just awful lately, but we’ve seen worse,” said Santos. “We will all survive. Even the douchepies. Especially the douchepies.”