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Chivalrous drug creating havoc in Twin Ports

Police are on the hunt for the distributor of a new drug more dangerous than heroin, cocaine and gluten-free marijuana combined. This new substance puts the victim into a hypnotic state of euphoria and contentment, willing to do nearly anything for the first person they see after taking it.

Rather than being passed around freely like prescription drugs, club drugs or taxidermied cats filled with peyote, this new drug is being administered by one person, and without people’s knowledge. Both men and women have been targeted equally, but perhaps the strangest aspect is the way the drug is injected.

“He shoots them with a goddamn arrow,” said Sergeant Ace Peecol of the Duluth Police Department. “Sick fuck. Two people are on a date and wham! Both of them get hit with arrows. When they come to and look at each other, it’s just boners for miles. Guy boners, lady boners, everything. I seen it with my own eyes!”

A guide to dating in your 30s

It’s a scientific fact that 94 percent of men are gross. Like really gross. It’s also a fact that 100 percent of single men in their 30s are outright disgusting and beyond repair. Remember those immature creeps in high school who would pin other guys to the floor so they could sit on their face and fart? Those guys are like a hunky dream date compared to single guys in their 30s.

Expect “creative” mustaches. Expect unfortunate jewelry choices. Expect at least 40 hours per week of video game time. If they make it far enough to get into your bedroom, have a taser ready, because if they’ve gone over a decade as an adult without being married, it’s almost guaranteed they’ve got some weird sexual quirks that will scare the bejeezus out of you. Until there’s a Carfax for single men, punch first and ask questions later.


Paul: Sam Cook won the best columnist award again.

Pope Francis: I’m sorry to hear that, Paul. I know you’ve worked very hard in the 12 years you’ve written this column. Though you’ve never won, at least you have the ability to write freely. Focus on the positives!

Kim Jong Un: 12 years?! Haha, you are weak! Even if you won, he gonna die of old age before you catch up to him. You number two forever. Big loser!

Paul: Sorry to be a buzzkill, guys. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m never gonna win.

Pope: Life isn’t about winning awards. It’s about affecting people and making a difference. Your fans don’t vote in vanilla newspaper polls. They’re too busy being alive and living their lives. You should do the same.

Kim Jong: Hey Paul, what is English slang for taking dump? Is it “going number two”? Is that why you always number two, because you so shitty?

Healthy and gluten-free tips for beating the winter doldrums!!!

January is the worst month of the year. The holidays are over, friends and family have returned to their lives, the adrenaline rush has subsided. There are no greeting cards or free glazed hams from well wishers in January. The worst movies come out in January. The worst actor on Mad Men is named January. It’s a month with few positives.

Over the years, an endless number of “cure the winter doldrums” articles have been printed. Most are the same: Get more sunlight, don’t stay cooped up in the house, eat healthy, etc. These are excellent tips, but they’re known to most people. We scoured the halls of the Mavo Clinic, and found Dr. Melvin Faqu, a leading expert in behavioral sciences. He’s provided a list of lesser known tips that will help you and your loved ones make it through this difficult season.

Good health starts from within. It’s always important to stay hydrated, but this is especially true in the wintertime. A good rule of thumb is to drink your body weight in ounces per day. For instance, a 150-pound person should drink 150 ounces of water per day.

Kissing improves your mood, and you don’t even have to kiss a person! It could be a dog, cat, or even a turtle. Sadly, most employers don’t allow pets in the office, so we recommend taking an old pillow (great for cuddling!) and drawing a face on it. Some people even use a dab of glue and pet hair they find in the carpet to make the pillow into a fun art project. Each kiss should last a minimum of 4-6 seconds, and occur 6-8 times per day. Treat yourself!

Company full of assholes hires top asshole

The nation’s largest multi-category value-add tiger team sustainability synergy firm, Assholes Inc, announced today that it has hired its next Chief Executive Asshole. Former RapeCo executive Dick Muck will become the top asshole at Assholes, and will focus on business synergism, global growth, brand building and other empty buzzwords and overly formal corporate phrases that sound pretentious.

Before RapeCo, Muck worked at Ebay, Yahoo and a dozen other washed up Silicon Valley companies that are now known for nothing more than greed, incompetence and bloated infrastructure. Every two years, Muck jumps to a new company, cramming as many trendy names into his resume as possible but leaving all of them so quickly that he couldn’t possibly contribute anything useful. Loyalty, dignity and dedicating one’s professional life to building something good in this horrid, micturation-filled world of ours takes a back seat to personal gain and ego.

“Yeah, I worked at Yahoo for a year and then douched my way out of there,” said Muck. “Then I went to Ebay and I was like ‘douche, douche, douche’ for six months, and for the last seven months I was all like ‘douche, queef, douche, douche, queef.’ Now my resume is stacked and I’m killin’ it 24/7.”