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Millions of innocent Pokemon kidnapped in worldwide holocaust

Charmander lights a cigarette with his tail and paces again to the window, checking the gate for visitors. He will repeat this routine every three to four minutes. Charmander is tense, irritable and quick to anger, yet overcome with exhaustion. This well-known Pokemon is fighting a losing battle with sleep, but right now it’s a luxury he simply can’t afford. He pops two more Adderall and paces back to the window again.

These are dangerous times for pocket monsters. Pokemon have always been hunted – the challenge was once a welcomed part of their daily lives – but with last week’s release of Pokemon Go for Android and iPhone, millions of brand new fans have access to unprecedented technology to hunt his kind relentlessly.

“It used to be fun,” said Charmander, clutching a crumpled cigarette pack in his hand like a stress ball. “When I wanted to fight, I left the house and found all the trouble I wanted. But the technology has advanced, man. These sons of bitches can track me now. They’re mobile. You ever seen the movie ‘Running Man’? It never stops, day or night. You don’t go looking for people anymore. Now people find you.”

A noise outside stirs Charmander into a frenzy. He dashes to the window to check the gate again.

Local father believes Finding Dory would have been better with nudity

Fred Dewey, local father of two, was a bit disappointed after watching Finding Dory, the summer’s latest blockbuster film. While the plot, musical accompaniment and directing were excellent, he felt it lacked the adult appeal that so many parents and Pixar fans have raved about.

“Everybody claims Pixar movies are as enjoyable for adults as they are for kids, so where are the tits?” said Dewey, bringing up a very legitimate and groundbreaking question that may shake our very nation at its core. “I’m tired of these movies where people say it will entertain adults but then there’s no cursing, violence or nudity. I didn’t see the fish drinking coffee or doing their taxes. What’s so damned adult about it? I might as well watch the aquarium at the pet store for two hours.”

Like most dads, Dewey believes every excellent film could be improved by adding enormous jiggling boobs. Examples given include Casino Royale, which was PG-13 but showed ample cleavage from its bosomy female characters, and Philadelphia, the 1993 film about AIDS that won Tom Hanks an Academy Award.

European Union really slutting it up after breakup

Less than one week after the United Kingdom’s difficult breakup with the European Union, the EU has been spotted painting the town with every whorish country bordering their region. The EU claims it’s just “living its life” and having a good time, while the UK believes they’re being a total skank.

“It just seems really rude for them to get back out there so quickly,” said England, biting its lip and avoiding direct eye contact. “I know I’m the one who initiated the breakup, but shouldn’t the EU at least pretend to be sad for a while? Isn’t that the courtesy? I mean, going out with goddamn Norway? That bitch’s borders have been spread wide open for years! Every Schengen slut in the region has busted a nut in Norway. I’m not jealous, it’s just gross.”

England then attempted to laugh, but produced more of a sniffling whimper.

“It’s allergy season, that’s why my eyes are watering so much,” said England, pulling a compact out to check its face. “I really hate this time of year. So many pollens. Oh God! Excuse me while I go freshen up.”

Nation’s drunks change excuse from basketball to baseball

The NBA season has ended, and the nation’s alcoholics are scrambling to find a new excuse to be drunk and belligerent. Football season has always been the crown jewel of obnoxious inebriates everywhere, but summer sports are more lacking in testosterone, making the excuses for punting one’s dog across the yard or having angry shouting matches with girlfriends outside bars far less enjoyable.

Baseball has always been the chosen sport to complement the professional alcoholic’s flaccid summer months, but the length of the games and slow pace of the action makes drunkards drowsy, leading to fewer incidents of cats being thrown against walls or children being angrily shouted at for routine behavior. With the national average for drunken beatings plummeting three years in a row, the group is considering other sports.

Man uses national tragedy as excuse for eating at Denny’s

Mere hours after the largest mass shooting in America’s history, the nation was once again shocked into disbelief by another brutal tragedy. Rumors surfaced this morning that local man Travin Omar has used the tragedy as an excuse for eating at a Denny’s restaurant.

“The brutal massacre in Orlando has been so rough for everyone,” said Omar. “I just can’t believe something like this can still happen in America with such regularity. I’m so depressed at how this country continues to do nothing, no matter how many deaths occur or how frequently. No mental health reform, no consequences for the parents, and you can’t even think about gun control without starting a civil war. I was so bummed this morning that I just said fuck it, I’m gonna eat at Denny’s.”