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After months of hell, millions of Facebook refugees return home

It’s a chilly Wednesday afternoon, and the tundra is barren. What was once an area teeming with wildlife is now depleted of nearly every living thing. The midday sun reaches its peak over the mountains, revealing a small herd of Foodies exiting the safety of the brush to quench their thirst. For wildlife expert Jeff Santos, this is a sight that hasn’t been seen in months.

“This is one of the first signs of the social media ecosystem returning to stability,” exclaimed Santos, barely able to contain his excitement. “They’re sharing terrible photos of their half eaten food! My goodness, this is a very good omen! The herds are ready to return to the fruitful land from which they were once driven.”

Easily spooked, Foodies are the most common of the species found in social media. In a few weeks time, there will be a thriving community of millions reappearing in the ecosystem, drawing in far more cautious and useful wildlife that aren’t horrendously boring. While not the most intelligent or interesting of local species, they are the most desperate. Their sad need to share photos of their boring meals makes them the first to reappear after the controlled burn of an election cycle.

Tips for unintelligent voters like you

– In order to reduce wait times for other voters, try to decide between corruption, a bigoted apocalypse and hopeless idealism before it’s your turn at the voting booth.

– If you’ve always wanted to ride a unicycle naked while a crowd of 100 people are forced to watch against their will, the lines during election day are the best possible time to achieve this.

– It costs nearly $6.5 billion to hold an election, so try not to mess up the booth by doodling on the table or sticking your gum underneath it, mmkay?

– Sorry, “Let’s get this shit over with already” is not an option on the ballot.

– Remember that while mailing in your ballot early is the easiest method of voting, only standing in line on election day will get you out of work for a few hours.

– Do you guys like pizza? Why not sit at home and eat a pizza instead of voting?

If you don’t vote for Dukakis, you’re helping a psychopath become president

Hey dummy, there’s a presidential election in a few weeks and though you’re probably too stupid to realize this, it’s a pretty big deal. Humanity’s entire existence is at stake. It’s more important than ever that everyone in America heads to the polls Nov. 8 and votes for one of these two festering piles of human garbage.

I have a registration form right here. May I continue making you feel uncomfortable until you reluctantly register to vote? Great! Thank you!

I’m not going to lie to you. The two main candidates are balls deep awful AF right now. They have zero fleeks. Both of them would have you killed if it moved the line at the Arby’s drive-thru one second faster. But they’re the only two candidates who aren’t fascists or people who listen to NPR on purpose, so we have no other choice.

It’s really important that you vote, but it’s more important that you vote for the steaming heap of dog feces whose general malaise aligns with my own slanted views. Third party candidates have no chance of winning. None! Granted, this is mainly because people like myself keeping guilting others into voting based on logistics instead of who they actually like, but it’s okay because I’m literally saving this country. You should be thanking me for pressuring you into voting for complete assholes who only make our lives worse!

Study: Your pet hates you, cares only about food

A groundbreaking new study by researchers in Poland has found that your dog despises you and desperately wants to escape the miniature Guantanamo prison that is your home. The study also found that if you died suddenly, your dog would not only eat you, but would greatly enjoy themselves and have no remorse whatsoever.

According to researchers, your dog knows he’s your slave and prisoner, and actively feels really bummed out about it. This is why your dog sometimes rubs his butt against your mouth while you’re asleep. Your dog also thinks your cologne/perfume is “a bit desperate” and your haircut is “a hot mess that cannot be fixed.” Your dog feels sorry for you and treats you with kindness because the choices you make in your life lead your dog to believe that you have some form of mental illness.

Americans sit quietly in rocking chair on porch, staring blankly into nation’s abyss

The wind blows softly through Janine Garvey’s coffee-colored hair, causing a few curly strands to stray across her face. It’s a beautiful morning in Ohio, full of blue skies and sunny weather, but Garvey seems unmoved. She merely stares vacantly into the distance, the wind slowly rocking her chair back and forth.

“I don’t know what those bastards did or said in that presidential debate, but she’s been sitting like that ever since,” said Elizabeth Garvey, pointing to her 20-year-old daughter rocking back and forth ever so gently on the porch. “I even made her some of my famous pepperoni Hot Pockets, but she won’t touch them. She just wants to sit in that damn chair staring into the horrible abyss that was once our democracy.”

Scott Choe, a freshman at the University of Minnesota, was also mentally broken by the recent debate, locking himself in his dorm room for nearly 72 hours afterward, curled into the fetal position and muttering Bernie Sanders slogans to himself over and over again.

“I thought he was jacking it,” said roommate David Thompkins. “It seemed like a pretty epic jack. Turns out he’s just really depressed. After waiting 18 years to vote, he’s only allowed to choose between the two worst human beings who ever lived. It’s like being promised a fancy dinner and then someone takes you to Hardee’s. Here man, choose between this shit sandwich or this western BBQ shit sandwich. Guaranteed diarrhea.”