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Wisconn Valley Employee Handbook

Welcome to Wisconn Valley, your new Foxconn owned Wisconsin factory! We make Apple computer monitors, and you paid us $3 billion in tax breaks in exchange for 3,000 guaranteed jobs! ROTFLMAO! We’re honored that you want us to bring our centuries-old slave labor techniques to America, where greedy corporations have already spent decades steadily dragging citizens toward longer hours, lower pay and fewer benefits. Please review the following employee handbook to help empower your servitude:

– Work shifts can be long at Foxconn. If you’ve been hot gluing displays for 16 hours straight and feel like you’re going to suicide, please choose a quiet method like swallowing too many pills or lynching yourself in the privacy of your on-site closet home. Jumping off the roof is very crass.

– Did we say you’d be hot gluing displays? Haha, that’s ridiculous! Robots do that. Robots do everything. Robots wrote this handbook. Hello! I’m a robot!

239 dead as Game of Thrones spoiler tears through social media

The streets of suburbia ran red with blood Monday as the latest Game of Thrones spoiler tore the nation a very figurative second butthole. Rioting and raging through every major city nationwide, the violent backlash to a mere subplot spoiler, not even relevant to the main storyline, left 239 fans dead and millions more deeply wounded.

The spoiler, a leaked clip which showed beloved Princess Sansa Stark passionately making love to a polar bear, left many fans like 83-year-old widower Mary Bloomfield distraught, listless and unable to find polar bears adorable anymore.

“Fifteen dollars a month!” said Bloomfield, aggressively spitting her dentures onto the table to show dominance. “I pay fifteen goddamn dollars to those clowns at HBO and that poor girl gets borked by a polar bear?! What kind of writing is that? Medical marijuana ain’t legal everywhere, you California hacks!”

Hello, My Name is Dinkles Jenkins and I Would Like to Hooglesmorf Your Foofendorf

Comic Con is chock full of assholes. Chronic masturbators who shower less than Somalian refugees. Unemployed people who got a “professional” badge because they run a blog that studies footage of Yoda’s groin movements to determine his penis length. Twenty-four year old screeching hyenas from the film industry who only come for the booze. Normal families with children. They’re all bastards, the whole filthy lot of them. Bastards who are in your way.

In their normal lives, Comic Con attendees are upstanding citizens who strive to make their communities a better place. But five straight days at this convention has a way of removing the good from people with an almost surgical precision. The quiet, humble schoolteacher, when forced to battle a crowd of thousands to attend a Twin Peaks panel, will quickly become a ferocious Bolshevik with no regard for human life.

It’s important to get in line before it’s too late. Mere seconds matter as if each one were encrusted with diamonds. Woman holding a baby? “Get the fuck out of the way, asshole!” Elderly man with a walking cane? “Quit blocking the aisle, you useless old bag of shit!” Mother Teresa herself could stop to help a leper and 100 people behind her would kick her in the back. “I love Twin Peaks, you dumb twat!” they’d shout angrily. “If I miss it, I’ll come back here and fucking kill you!”

Eleven teens acting like wusses after eating drug-laced gummy bears

Police in Southnorthern Duluth say 11 teenagers were acting like “total narcs” after eating gummy bears laced with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana that makes life worth living. After consuming the product, the dumb amateurs called the police, apparently believing law enforcement could magically make them not high.

“Some idiots apparently ate some edibles,” said Sergeant Nate Copson of the Duluth Police Department. “Then they called us. The police! What a bunch of dipshits! I mean, I get it. If you eat too many edibles, you’re wrecked for days. You’ll just lie around the house all hungover and nauseous. But what the hell are we gonna do? Just take a nap, stupid. Don’t call the cops like some narc. That’s so lame! Calling us is super lame, bro. You’re more likely to die from a fake gluten allergy.”

Sergeant Copson confiscated all the gummy bears, promising to investigate the potency of the bears personally. He also confiscated five boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a family size bag of cheesy popcorn and a Slip n’ Slide waterslide playset from the backyard.

President takes day off, watches Okja

Planning a stress-free day for himself after months of turmoil, President Donald Trump tried to calm himself Sunday with a quiet day of Netflix. Staffers made him popcorn and cued up Okja, an award winning film about a little girl and her adorable super pig.

It didn’t take long for the film to go sour. Around the 30 minute mark, the heartwarming story of a carefree girl and her pig turned surprisingly dark.

“Jesus Christ, they took the little girl’s pig?” said President Trump, visibly angered. “They’re taking the pig to a slaughterhouse? Goddamn liberal vegan propaganda! I don’t wanna see this shit. I don’t wanna learn anything. Just cook the pulled pork and put it in my sandwich, you assholes. Jesus, I hate this fucking movie. It’s so good, though. It’s really good. Fuck, I hate it.”