LOS ANGELES COUNTY REHAB CENTER — SUNDAY 11AM
New patient Paul Ryan was admitted this morning by LAPD. Mr. Ryan collapsed and soiled himself in the womens changing room of a TJ Maxx department store this morning. He was trying on ladies bathing suits. The damage to the changing room was so intense that a special wand was needed to clean the area. The bathing suits were marked as a biohazard and buried in the desert as a safety precaution. We are testing the patient extensively to determine the addictive element that led to this bizarre incident.
It seems Mr. Ryan regularly eats 8-12 pepperoni pizza flavored Hot Pockets every day – a potentially toxic amount. We tried telling him he can get a real pepperoni pizza for a dollar more – it’s literally right next to the Hot Pockets at the supermarket – but he refuses. This addiction to Hot Pockets has given the patient an irregular heartbeat and traumatic levels of diarrhea. Police records show Mr. Ryan was asked to leave a public swimming pool last week after a similar Hot Pocket related incident occurred. The pool had to be drained, and it took nearly a gallon of tomato juice to remove the odor from the children. We will continue to work with the patient to remove this dependency.
Patient is showing very little progress. He routinely fakes seizures, uses his roommate’s prosthetic leg as a weapon, and tricks female nurses into massaging his thighs. He’s getting more aggressive with his constant demands for Hot Pockets. He doesn’t even seem to like them, and spends a large amount of time obsessing over their various flaws. Yet it’s clear he thinks he “needs” them. As a single male, his body simply doesn’t know any other food source. He becomes angry and violent when we offer him fruits and vegetables. It took nearly an hour to remove the rutabaga from our orderly’s rectum.
The unreasonable behavior from Mr. Ryan is increasing. He accused us of racism because there are no eskimos working in our facility. He ordered 13 pounds of pornographic magazines over the internet. One of our orderlies forgot to logout of their Facebook account, and Mr. Ryan posted “I like to eat poop. I eat all the poops” as a status message on her profile. We have begun spraying him in the face with a water bottle whenever he acts out.
Mr. Ryan is clearly attempting to scam us for free items. His requests so far include a $160 pair of jeans, a top hat made from raccoon fur, a black Fleshlight, a VHS copy of Star Wars from “before the goddamn lightsabers were altered”, $73 in half dollar coins, access to an adult website that claims to have nude photos of Taylor Swift, and 147 Honeycrisp apples that have each been licked by Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney. We had to contact Ms. Maroney to cancel this last request. She was apparently under the impression that he’s dying of cancer, rather than forcibly incarcerated for uncontrollable diarrhea. She was less inclined to help when we told her the truth.
It’s only been one day since Mr. Ryan joined us, yet we caught him trying to trade a bag of crack for a case of Hot Pockets. He might have completed the transaction if he hadn’t become loud and abusive after discovering it was a case of Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pockets. He says those ones “taste like an old woman’s vagina.” We may be able to use this information to help cure him.
Mr. Ryan is now cured of his addiction. We introduced him to Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme, and his destructive, sarcastic nature changed almost immediately. He’s now kind and cares about others. He helps old women cross the street without charging them. He can hold a genuine conversation with a woman without casually brushing his arm against her boob. He now likes the original Star Trek series more than The Next Generation. He’s much more rational and intelligent now. His rehabilitation is complete, and he will be released Tuesday morning at 9am.
Patient #053218963 has been released.
Former patient Paul Ryan was re-admitted this morning by LAPD. Mr. Ryan apparently went straight to a supermarket after release and bought all of their Hot Pockets and marshmallow creme. He has begun dipping the Hot Pockets in the marshmallow creme, creating a strain of super diarrhea that caused police to clear an entire city block. The TJ Maxx in that location is closing permanently. Mr. Ryan will be confined to our facility for a minimum of three years.
JULY 10, 2017
Patient #053218963 has been released. We have gotten Mr. Ryan addicted to heroin, which keeps him quiet and out of trouble. He will now be a valuable member of society, living off the government teat like the rest of us.