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Courageous man refuses to acknowledge daylight savings time

The scent of tasty breakfast delights floats through the morning air. Crispy bacon sizzling on the grill. Mountains of warm, fluffy eggs with piping hot steam drifting off their summit. Soft buns glazed thick with sugar, ready to melt apart in one’s mouth. The delicious smells waft strongly through the mall food court.

All food kiosks are fully operational at 10am, except for one. The Cinnabon storefront sits dark and empty. Owner Walter Brown arrives and curses loudly.

“Where the hell is that peckerhead?” shouted Brown, teaching nearby children a new word, for which they are grateful. “I’ll bet he forgot to set his clocks forward for daylight savings time.”

“I don’t recognize your man-made time change, Walter,” said employee John Hauser, appearing as if by clockwork. “I’m right on time, both for Cinnabon and the universe in which our very concept of time is based.”

Mayor Larson making her own adamantium claws after watching Logan

After seeing the movie “Logan” this weekend, Duluth Mayor Emily Larson has reportedly sequestered herself in her basement crafting her very own set of adamantium claws from household items.

“Shit yeah,” said Mayor Larson, sewing 10.5 inches of crudely cut metal shards onto an old leather golfing glove. “This is gonna be so rad. I can’t wait to chop some vegetables when I make myself dinner tonight. Just try to stop me, Reavers! Rawwwr!”

Mayor Larson reportedly mumbled the phrase “I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn’t very nice” to herself repeatedly while dicing the tomatoes.

The horrifically dangerous contraption has been loudly criticized by local high school shop teacher Kenneth Purham, who believes such things should only be made by licensed professionals who have years of experience working with fictional metal alloys. Purham confirmed that he would not allow such behavior if Mayor Larson ever enrolled in his class at Denfeld High School.

Reminder: Friday is Free Lemon Snow Cone Day in Superior, WI

Residents of Superior, WI are about to get a delicious surprise. City officials have declared Monday, March 5 to be Free Lemon Snow Cone Day! Firefighters will be traveling across the city, their fire hoses filled with sugary lemon syrup, spraying random snowbanks to transform them into delicious lemon snow cones for all!

For one day only, the depressing piles of colorless snow will become tasty yellow treats worth getting excited about! If you’re lucky enough to see yellow snow in Superior next week, that’s a free lemon snowcone courtesy of the city! Just grab a handful and dig in! Locations will vary, but Mayor Bruce Hagen said most yellow snowbanks will be found near the bars along Tower Avenue and the blocks adjacent to local fraternities.

“Wisconsin winters can be very long and difficult, and we hope to turn everyone’s depression into joy,” said Mayor Hagen. “We wanted to let residents suffering from seasonal affective disorder know that they don’t have to go it alone. They have a friend in their mayor, and I hope they won’t hesitate to grab a big handful of yellow snow and let it melt right in their mouth.”

America bans Shamrock Shake exports to North Korea amid growing tensions

After North Korea’s recent missile launch, the United States has levied the most damaging sanctions yet against the country, banning all Shamrock Shake exports. The delicious mint shake is one of America’s most valuable commodities.

President Trump and Dictator Kim Jong-Un had a call yesterday to discuss the matter. The Duluth Reader has obtained a transcript:

 
“I don’t get it,” said Jong-Un. “Isn’t it just a vanilla shake with minty syrup? Why would we need to import that? Koreans don’t even celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I mean, I’m a pretty crazy guy. I killed my uncle because he sneezed weird and I had my brother poisoned because I went to the bathroom and had a hard time getting the job done, and when I walked out I saw him drinking a soda and I was like who’s this asshole drinking a soda while the Supreme Leader is taking care of business the hard way? I … wait, did you hear that? Weird. It sounded like a grilled cheese sandwich reading the morning newspaper. You don’t think we have syrup, motherfucker!? Kim Jong-Un’s got enough syrup to shamrock your mom, fool! Hello? Is anyone listening to me? My reputation has been challenged! You’re crapping all over me with shakes! Why is no one else upset about this?! Y’know what? Hwang, execute seven people. I don’t care who. I’m in a mood. I’M SORRY HWANG, BUT I’M IN A MOOD NOW.”

Man isn’t going to clean up after dog anymore

DULUTH, MN – Multiple sources have confirmed this morning that Raymond Garrison of 1270 West Fourth Street isn’t going to pick up his dog’s poo anymore. When the proverbial dog clock strikes deuce, Garrison is going to casually look around for witnesses, pretend to be engrossed by an important text on his phone, and simply walk away.

If local buzzkills call him on it, he’ll claim to be out of bags and offer them a hearty, “But I got you next time, bro.” Garrison made the official announcement to his neighborhood this morning.

“I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m frustrated and things aren’t going that great, so from now on I’m just going to leave my dog’s turds wherever,” said Garrison, shocking onlookers. “I know it’s gross. I know I’m an asshole. I just don’t care. Fuck all of you. I’m living the rest of my life just for me. Feel free to use the hose in my yard to wash off your shoes.”