MEMORANDUM FOR RECORD
DATE: October 9, 2014
SUBJECT: Appropriate workplace behavior
There was a brief flash of light, and then a return to darkness. The same cold, cruel nothing that had been draped over the landscape like a curse for centuries. The world had been forever dark, impossible to see more than a few feet at a time. Like a tight noose, the darkness choked the people. They had begged for light, were willing to die for it. Willing to trade death for something they had never seen before, not in generations. Yet for that one fleeting moment, they had seen the world around them. It was a world filled with Penis Horses!
Scarlet, azure, lilac, blush! All the most favored colors of Penis Horses! Lacy saddles adorned with Swarovski crystals! Sticky glitter that gets in your mouth! Tween lady underpants from Urban Outfitters! Rainbow tails dipped in bronzer and electrified in a filthy microwave! All the Penis Horses eat tomato soup at the same time each day, together like a family!!!
But was that what they had really seen? Was it an illusion? Was it horses comprised of tiny punishes or penises made of tiny horses? No one seemed able to process exactly what they had seen, and the description was different from each person. It had only been one moment, one glance in hundreds of years. Could they trust their own eyes? Had they seen anything at all?
Thunder rolled in from the hills to the west, airing a low growl through the atmosphere. Or so they thought. The growl of the storm seemed to be turning to something else. Just for a moment it sounded like . . . neighing. Was the howling wind playing tricks on them? Were their ears and their eyes deceiving them? The thunder cracked loudly again, but there were more sounds. Snorting, scratching, clawing. Like a creature dragging through the dust and dirt. Some said this was followed by the slight feeling of breathing on the back of their necks. Yet through the black hell, the people could see nothing.
The continuing rumble of the approaching storm was a danger in itself. The neighbors were here a moment ago, only a few feet away. They’re gone now. No one heard them leave. Lean hard against the rock, squint to see through the abyss, try to trace the sounds the ancestors had spoken of all too often. Something is out there. The chill makes its way up your spine, one vertebra at a time.
Alas, it was too late.
No one heard it begin. The bastards could have killed every person in the village without a sound, but Penis Horses are not that modest. A mighty roar, crusted with sulfur and molten rock earned from the darkest depths of hell, informed the people of their doom. The Penis Horses were all around them, and every last screaming human would die.
Gary from accounting – dead! Torn apart from his scrotum to the top of his neck with the sharpest of penis horns! Lisa from sales – drowned with thick goo – the glittery aftermess gushing out of every hole in her once pretty face! Todd from marketing soiled himself while being trampled to death by Penis Horse hooves, their penis-shaped imprints forever crushed into his skull and torso! Nancy the sassy front desk clerk’s trachea was crushed with brutal penile force!
There is no confessional! There are no last requests! You may not pray to your Gods! Your only Gods now are the Penis Horses, and they have chosen extermination!
Doug the CEO had three Penis Horse horse penises speared through his tiny, worthless brain! Only bloody mush remained! How are those stock options now, Doug?! Is there enough left to fix the goddamn coffee machine?! What a douche! Only Leonard The Brilliant Memo Writer survived the onslaught! Recognizing his greatness, the Penis Horses let him mount them with his flaming sword to . . .
Hey! Don’t you touch me! I have a right to be here! I work here! I write the memos for the company! If you don’t like them, you can eat a turd! Feel my wrath through my excellent grammar! I will . . . Ow! Stop it! Leave me alone! I’m creative! I deserve better than this crappy job! It’s just the shuffling of mindless paperwork! A monkey could do this with his hands glued to his face! Leggo! I’m better than you! I’m better than all of you put together! I am a creative writer! VIVA PENIS HORSE FICCION DE AFICIONADO!