Mere hours after the largest mass shooting in America’s history, the nation was once again shocked into disbelief by another brutal tragedy. Rumors surfaced this morning that local man Travin Omar has used the tragedy as an excuse for eating at a Denny’s restaurant.
“The brutal massacre in Orlando has been so rough for everyone,” said Omar. “I just can’t believe something like this can still happen in America with such regularity. I’m so depressed at how this country continues to do nothing, no matter how many deaths occur or how frequently. No mental health reform, no consequences for the parents, and you can’t even think about gun control without starting a civil war. I was so bummed this morning that I just said fuck it, I’m gonna eat at Denny’s.”
Omar removed his Paleo Chastity Belt, a special device that shocks him whenever beans or grains are nearby, and immediately headed to his local Denny’s restaurant, where he was served a Peanut Butter Cup Pancake Breakfast, which includes pancakes covered in chocolate chips, white chocolate, hot fudge and some kind of creepy liquid peanut butter whose texture resembles dog snot. Omar’s friends were mortified.
“As if America isn’t hurting enough! Now Travin disgraces our country further by eating at a fucking Denny’s?” said Hera Bing, a close friend. “He might as well have climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty and dropped a deuce all over her face. What a disgusting and disturbing act. You always hear about this sort of thing happening, but you never expect to see it in your own backyard. I mean Denny’s, for Christ’s sake! C’mon, Travin!”
The horrible restaurant chain, known for its rock hard microwaved bacon and eggs so runny that they almost seem uncooked, is literally the worst place a human being can eat. The establishment mainly remains in business because of the elderly, whose taste buds have dulled over many years of life, and small children, who love how the booths at the restaurant chain make tremendously authentic farting sounds every time diners make even the slightest movement.
“It hardly even qualifies as food,” said Loretta Gibson, another friend of Omar’s. “I find it odd that Travin is using it as a reward. I only force myself to eat at Denny’s as a punishment for breaking my diet. It’s the culinary equivalent of a parent forcing their kid to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes. Eating one of their meals is about as pleasant as being inside a port-a-potty when someone tips it over. Even just the mention of their Baja Quesadilla Burger makes me . . . URRRRRRRGHHH! Oh God, I’m so sorry! I threw up all over your reporter notebook. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. It’s just that even the thought of that gross ass sandwich with that nasty pepper spread . . . BLAAAAAARGH! I’m so sorry! I hate myself for doing that twice! You’ve been so nice! I’m sorry, I have to go, bye!”
Nearly every fake person interviewed for this story was thoroughly offended by a different item on the restaurant’s menu. Some hated their diarrhea-inducing array of overly sugary breakfast offerings, others despised their repulsive nursing home style dinner entrees, while others hated the unethically gigantic abominations that they call desserts. Some even claim Denny’s restaurants hate Americans, and won’t rest until every person in the country succumbs to diabetes.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” asked Greg Patel, Omar’s best friend. “They have a sundae with strips of bacon in it. A damned sundae! Christ man, it just doesn’t work! I could see if they had crumbly bits of bacon in it to accentuate the ice cream and chocolate, but full greasy strips of bacon? It’s a hideous abhorrence of nature. Anyone who eats at Denny’s should be drug out into the street and beaten to death with their own wallet.”
Omar’s friends, many of whom are fans of the TV show “Game of Thrones”, are reportedly planning a “Walk of Atonement” for him in which he will be marched naked through the city wearing only a laminated Denny’s menu as a makeshift crown. Citizens will be encouraged to boo, pelt him with rocks, and angrily spit in his face while calling him a whore. The humiliation will resolve him of his sins and ensure that he chooses a more deserving cheat day meal in the future.
The anger and hurt forced upon Omar’s friends are still fresh, but some brave souls are attempting to find a silver lining in this dark moment. Patel notes that with all his anger geared toward his best friend, he hasn’t thought about America’s devastating mass shootings for a full 24 hours.
“At the very least, this has given us somewhere else to focus our hate so we don’t have to think about how we’re all knowingly flushing our own country down the toilet,” said Patel. “Perhaps that was his plan all along. Only God and Travin know for sure.”