Police are on the hunt for the distributor of a new drug more dangerous than heroin, cocaine and gluten-free marijuana combined. This new substance puts the victim into a hypnotic state of euphoria and contentment, willing to do nearly anything for the first person they see after taking it.
Rather than being passed around freely like prescription drugs, club drugs or taxidermied cats filled with peyote, this new drug is being administered by one person, and without people’s knowledge. Both men and women have been targeted equally, but perhaps the strangest aspect is the way the drug is injected.
“He shoots them with a goddamn arrow,” said Sergeant Ace Peecol of the Duluth Police Department. “Sick fuck. Two people are on a date and wham! Both of them get hit with arrows. When they come to and look at each other, it’s just boners for miles. Guy boners, lady boners, everything. I seen it with my own eyes!”
The drug affects a little-used portion of the human brain that generates love and selflessness. The effect is similar to club drugs such as ecstasy, molly or jesusqueefs. Victims become enamored with the first person they see, texting them incessantly and buying them things. If the effects are left untreated, the two victims may start living in the same residence together or even pledging to never have sex with another person their entire lives.
“It’s insanity,” said Dr. Clyde Poopsen, local psychiatrist. “It literally changes a person’s brain activity. I’ve never seen any drug quite like it. It’s the same effect as someone taking a shovel and bashing the rational portion of a person’s brain until it doesn’t function anymore. I consider myself a sensible man who enjoys spending time with women, but not enough to pay for their entire dinner. Did I just win the lottery or something? I’m giving out free dinners to strangers now, just because they’re attractive? Surely, you jest. If a lady needs to eat before sex, she should take care of that before she arrives at my bungalow. This new drug tears at the very fabric of our civilized society.”
Some victims have even become so addicted that they’re agreeing to birth children, an age-old body mutilation tradition once favored by ancient Caucasian cultures. The practice is still quite popular with other ethnicities and more recent immigrant groups, but is considered tedious and passe by white people.
“Oh my God, so gross,” said Paris Lattice, a 22 year old Caucasian. “Have you seen the size of some of those babies’ heads? It’s like using ear gauges to stretch out your earlobes, except you’re doing it with your vagina. It’s like, hello, it’s going to stay that way forever. For-ev-ah. I’ve been doing pilates and kegel exercises since I was 12. That work wasn’t for nothing, thank you very much.”
Police have begun a nationwide manhunt for the suspect involved in spreading this dangerous “love” narcotic. The culprit is very short – likely a midget or “little person” – and dresses in only a diaper. He usually attacks two people in close range to one another before disappearing. It is suspected that he gets a perverse pleasure out of making normally rational people act like smitten buffoons.
Aaron Brown, an Iron Range college professor and newspaper columnist, was the first person to be attacked by the small man authorities are calling “The Matchmaker.”
“The first thing I saw after I was hit was a dong,” said Brown. “I’ve always loved Hostess Ding Dongs, but now I really love them. I mean, I love my wife, but she’s not a ding dong. I can fit four in my mouth at once! Wanna see?”
The crowd of reporters surrounding Brown quickly scurried away as he completed his disgusting, unnatural feat.
Dismissing public opinion and basic decency, a small group of citizens have banded together in support of this new drug. These middle-aged, unmarried residents think “love” is a beautiful thing.
“I’d kill for a man who opens a door for me or texts me without attaching a picture of his junk,” said Kathryn Glenna, local resident and owner of six cats. “Chivalry may be dead, but it shouldn’t be.”
For readers unfamiliar with the term, “chivalry” is a long-antiquated practice of a man treating a woman unequally. The love drug often causes men to do things for women that they’re perfectly capable of doing themselves, like opening doors, pulling out their chair before they sit down or taking a bullet for them during a violent convenience store robbery.
The diapered culprit remains at large as the community grows more fearful. Authorities continue to chase leads in hopes of stopping these love emotions from ruining our perfect capitalistic society. If you see anyone acting kind to another person or doing nice things for them, please contact the Duluth Police Department in their off-site office at (715) 394-7332.
“People are weird,” said Foop Denteen, whose friend was also a victim of the miniature rapist. “Why would anyone want to love another person? I mean, have sex with them, sure, but hanging out afterwards? That’s crazy. They could be at home playing video games or smoking weed.”