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Please buy leggings from me on Facebook

Hey folks! Where do you wanna go? That’s right, to Uncle Paul’s Online Leggings Emporium! I’ve transformed my personal Facebook page full of sad, blurry cat photos into a virtual showroom of tacky leggings! Dress yourself in the same stain-hiding patterns used for decorating the seats of city buses! We’ve got leggings patterns so busy that it will look like someone barfed all over your legs!

Made with space age polyester, our leggings are thin enough to rip off in a fit of passion and slingshot at Justin Bieber’s limo, yet thick enough to technically qualify as not rubbing your bare ass all over your own furniture, Ramblings Leggings come with a laminated certificate that guarantees the certificate is laminated. You won’t get that if you buy these smelly fart catchers from LuLaRoe!

Or will you? Who knows! Those hacks copy our sweet deals all the time! (Note: Our stock is purchased directly from LuLaRoe)

Impoverished? Don’t have a job? Not to worry. Nearly 195 percent of people who buy Ramblings Leggings end up selling them to even bigger idiots for twice the price! A recent pair of leggings thought to have been sneezed on by Magnum PI star Tom Selleck recently sold for $32, a steep increase over the $25 retail price. One lady’s sweaty used leggings is another lady’s sweaty used treasure!

Report: News-Tribune columnists smell like poo

Only days before the polls closed for the annual Best of the Northland competition, a startling report was leaked proving without any shred of doubt that Duluth News-Tribune columnists Christa Lawler, Sam Cook and Beverly Godfrey all smell like poo. Specifically siamese cat poo. This report has been confirmed by 1,147 independent sources.

“I’ve dedicated my life to the truth, and the truth is that they smell like poop,” said Dean Baquet, editor of the New York Times. “People should vote for Paul Ryan as best columnist. He carries the natural scent of freshly peeled bananas. It’s amazing. We’ve received billions of complimentary letters. Paul Ryan is a gift to our nation, and from what I hear, quite the sexy beefcake.”

While the “beefcake” designation has not yet been proven, it’s widely known that Ryan is devastatingly handsome and has leagues of attractive women weeping in the streets over their failure to tame his rugged bad boy demeanor.

Impressive co-worker still drunk on Jan 3

Employees across the nation begrudgingly shuffled back into work earlier this week, depressed that the holidays have ended. Yet one office remains vibrant. At Duncan Poogly LLC, 23-year-old Justine Bulger removes her shirt and swings it around her head like a medieval flail. It’s been nearly three full days since the new year was rung in, and Justine is still drunk.

The innovative employee made an important discovery over the holidays. Though the 2017 world is one of President Trump and his Republican supermajority, Justine realized this reality could be completely erased by alcohol. By carefully mixing a bottle of Everclear with a bottle of pure grain alcohol, the resulting liquid allows her to remain drunk indefinitely. This trendy Everclear Diet is also vegan-friendly and kosher.

The minimal side effects include continuous fistfights, continuous vomiting and irreparable damage to the liver likely leading to death within one year. Justine has also committed various felonies while driving her car to work, but other than the small child she ran over, the Everclear Diet has been a smashing success. Happy and carefree for the first time in nearly a decade, Justine’s damaged brain only requires her to do a fresh countdown to the new year every 40 minutes, to keep the lie real in her mind.

Ho ho nooo! Santa Claus dead at age 1,746

Jolly Old Saint Nick, who shot to fame in the 1980s for delivering free presents to children based upon his own twisted system of justice, has died at the age of 1,746. The former philanthropist mysteriously went missing after neglecting to deliver an NES Classic to Duluth, MN humor columnist Paul Ryan.

The 37-year-old failed writer posted the following to Santa Claus’ Facebook page on Christmas morning: “Socks? I can’t play Tecmo Bowl on a pair of socks you senile old jerkoff! I’m gonna come up there to the North Pole, shove your whole fist up your own butt and leave you for dead in a garbage can!”

Santa was found dead Monday morning in a garbage can with his whole fist shoved up his own butt. Police have no leads in the investigation.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, Santa Claus played music on the London Underground train system before forming the music group “Wham!” with Andrew Ridgeley in 1981. Santa used the immense funds from the hit song “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” to build his workshop in the North Pole and bankroll his Christmas-themed philanthropy organization.

Original script for ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ recovered

The Duluth Reader has uncovered a rare gem, discovering the first draft of Charles Schulz’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” television special while cleaning behind their toilet. We’re proud to present it to you unedited. This is the real version Schulz wrote before CBS censored it. Enjoy!

Charlie Brown: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy.

Linus: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and piss all over it. If getting free shit makes you depressed, maybe it’s time to end it all.

Charlie: Wow. Aren’t you the religious one? That’s pretty cold, brah.

Linus: Just because I’m religious doesn’t mean I’m a pussy, Charlie Brown. You know which hardware stores sell rope. No need to tell me about it. Either do it or stop being a drama queen.