Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
Bill: It’s a perfect 72 degrees here in the Superdome, where the New Orleans Saints are taking on the Minnesota Vikings. I’m Bill Mondue and this is Mitch Barthington, and we welcome you inside the broadcast booth. Here’s what we saw last week. Dallas rode into the game hot, but the Minnesota defense came to life and led the way, shutting them down in all four quarters.
Mitch: Yes Bill, they certainly shut them down with a brutal intensity. I was stunned by their effectiveness. But the Vikings defense is still nothing compared to the stopping force of my dreadful ex-wife, who has successfully shut down all my attempts at happiness. Like the potent Saints offense, my well-built ex-wife has bullied and stiff-armed her way through the legal system, jukeing me right out of my shoes. She then came back and took my shoes, and all other possessions which allow me to feel like a man, Bill.
Bill: Uh, yes. An insightful look at the matchup ahead. I only hope our viewers recognize the humor in your unique style of commentary. You certainly are one of the most brilliant minds in broadcasting.
Mitch: My life is a toilet the size of the universe, Bill. I’m just swirling in circles until I get sucked into the abyss.
(The camera cuts away to a shot of the teams warming up. The broadcasters can be heard quietly arguing, all of it unintelligible except for Bill whispering “Get it together, man!” at the end.
Bill: We talked about it coming in, how this Vikings front four needs to dictate this game. If they can put pressure on Drew Brees and force him into making some bad decisions, the game could take a turn in Minnesota’s favor.
Mitch: I agree, Bill. Bad decisions can turn the tide on everything. Brees really could dictate the game with his mistakes. A few bad passes, some lost fumbles, or neglecting to utilize protection while bagging the biggest whore in his hometown during his senior year of high school, impregnating her and imprisoning himself in her rusty cage of a vagina for the rest of his life, could change the entire way the game is played.
Bill: I think Reggie Bush is a bright spot in –
Mitch: Oh, she said she wasn’t fertile during that week, Bill, but Brees should have known better. Her lower region was a vat of quicksand that still has yet to release him. The only thing that passes through is his money, his hopes and dreams, and his very soul. Drew Brees is certainly in for a lot of unpleasantness, Bill.
Bill: I’m expecting a lot of man coverage defensively by Minnesota. They’ve been so good about keeping people out of the endzone and not giving up points. But if they’re not careful and protective of their side of the field today, you’ll see a lot of points by New Orleans.
Mitch: I’ve already talked about protection a lot today, but I want to again stress that it is of the upmost importance, Bill.
Bill: Wow. Okay, I should have seen that coming. Poor choice of words on my part.
Mitch: You have to protect your little guy, Bill.
Bill: Oh God. Please stop talking.
Mitch: If you don’t protect your little guy, the defense will cut him right off and feed him to you as you lay helpless on your back. It’s not even halftime yet in your life, and you’re already defeated, choking on the one thing that identifies you as a man.
Bill: Speaking of halftime, coming up after what I’m sure will be the longest two quarters of my life, is the Visa halftime report, where Terry, Howie, Michael, and Jimmy will give highlights and commentary.
Mitch: You know what’s great about Terry, Howie, Michael and Jimmy? Eight wives between them. Eight rotten, lousy, stinking wives. I applaud them for getting rid of their wives. They should get a tax credit. I should get a tax credit! To help pay for all this goddamn alimony, you lousy bitch! I’ll kill you, Marguerite! I’ll make Haiti look like a loud fart!
Bill: We’ll be sure to address that during the halftime show, Mitch. We’d like to take this unique segue opportunity to remind everyone to text the word “HAITI” to 90999. $10 will be charged to your cellphone bill and donated to the relief effort. Mitch will certainly be donating quite a bit after that last comment. Hey Mitch, what do you think of these newfangled cellphones? Haha, my kids are whizzes with them, but us old folks find them pretty confusing. Am I right?
Mitch: I don’t give a rat’s ass, Bill. Screw your dunce kids and their worthless robots. I can’t afford a cellphone. I . . . my . . . (Mitch begins crying).
Bill: We’d like to take this time to thank our sponsor, Taco Bell. Their chicken fajitas are, um . . .
Mitch: (Sobbing uncontrollably)
Bill: . . . the chickeniest. The most chickeny of all the chicken fajitas. Stuff some in your face today and decide for yourself. Only 99 cents if you, uh . . .
Mitch: (Wails into the microphone)
Bill: . . . if you say “Chickeny chicky chick boo” at the register. Again, that’s “Chickeny chicky chick boo.” You have to say it. It is a requirement.