Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.
Do you know what an “ass groove” is, reader? No, it’s not a naughty new dance all the hip kids are doing, though it should be. An ass groove is a large indentation in a couch, chair, or preferably a booth at a Denny’s restaurant. Ass grooves are made by fat people who like to follow a routine. Mainly, the routine of sitting down, farting a lot, and not moving all day.
The science behind this phenomenon is quite simple. If a seat is soft, it can only take so much constant weight before a slight crater develops. When the source of the weight is a person’s buttocks, the crater forms in the shape of the person’s ass. Hence the name “ass groove”.
If you are fat and sit in the same place often, you’re probably responsible for an ass groove. Congratulations. Much like how Clark Gable and Frank Sinatra have stars on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, fat people with no jobs have ass grooves in their local Denny’s restaurant. If you’re disturbingly obese, smell like garbage, and sit in the same position of the same booth in the Los Angeles Denny’s near the 101 freeway every day, then I sat in your ass groove on Saturday night. Congratulations again.
I had just seen a show with my friend Matt and his fiancÃ©e, Sara. For some reason, Sara had a craving for waffles, and she suggested we go to Denny’s. Because when you think of great waffles, what restaurant do you think of? Waffle House? International House of Pancakes? Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles? Wrong! You think of Denny’s.
Coincidentally, Denny’s is also what I think of when I think of inbreeding, people who don’t shower often, and places to pass the time before I commit suicide.
The parking lot of the Denny’s was sticky. I suspected this was from regular patrons of the restaurant emptying their bowels right on the pavement like animals after they were done eating. I certainly had that urge after paying $8 for two watery scrambled eggs and hashbrowns that looked like a burnt toupee.
Even though it was Saturday night, the Denny’s was completely empty. The only other patrons were mentally retarded people and illegal immigrants. Neither of these groups realized they were eating at a Denny’s. The waitress showed us to a booth in the back that smelled like a toilet. It wasn’t until I sat down that I realized I was sitting in the largest ass groove I had ever seen. It was like when the scientist in Jurassic Park realized he was standing in a huge dinosaur footprint.
Being a Minnesota native, I’ve seen more ass grooves than I’m comfortable admitting, but this one was frightening. It was like a black hole, swallowing everything on my side of the booth. No matter where I sat, I’d inevitably slide toward the ass groove, eventually falling in it. And the ass groove smelled. It was like someone froze a fart in time and wove it into the booth’s fabric. It reeked so bad that I smelled just from sitting in it. I’m not sure if scientists have figured out how to make a smell permanent yet, but they’d advance their progress considerably by studying ass grooves at Denny’s.
Denny’s are the world’s leading source of ass grooves. I have no official data to back up this claim, but it can hardly be disputed. There are between 12 and 75,000 Denny’s restaurants in any given city in America. Even if the population of your town is three horses and a sack of turds, I can assure you that a Denny’s is nearby. Each of those Denny’s has at least four ass grooves.
It’s for this reason that I approve of the globalization of Denny’s. They’re like daycare centers that keep ass groovers, middle-aged tourists, and boring people from infesting the great local restaurants where I eat. Can you imagine what would happen if there weren’t national chain restaurants? People would actually be supporting local culture and contributing to the uniqueness of their own city. Considering that most of what they’d contribute would be ass grooves, I don’t find that very appealing.
Things are good the way they are. Let’s keep it that way.