– Let’s be honest. Lots of people have finished marathons. It’s not special. But has anyone ever finished a marathon while dressed as a burrito? That is special. That’s what’s going to get sexy young people to go home with you from the bar.
– Marathons are 26 miles because that’s how far Greek messenger Pheidippides ran to tell the people of Athens they had won the Battle of Marathon. However, Greek historian Herodotus claims Pheidippides actually ran 300 miles, not 26. So in many ways, you running only 26.2 miles makes you a big pussy.
– It’s important to tape your nipples before running a marathon. I will have a tent sent up in Canal Park for ladies age 18 to 35 before the race.
– Many people advise against running a marathon in jeans, but have those people ever won a marathon? Probably not. Don’t take advice from people who have lost every marathon they’ve ever competed in.
– If running marathons sometimes makes your toenails fall off, don’t worry. That’s normal. It’s certainly not God sending you a warning that you’re running too goddamn much.
– As the old marketing slogan says, “Milk does a body good.” Drink at least a half gallon of it before starting the race.
– Completely unrelated to the last tip: If you feel like you’re going to vomit, move to the side of the route so you vomit on the spectators instead of your fellow racers. Your own preferences may differ, but I find elderly ladies with glasses to be the most hilarious when covered in barf.
– Make sure to adjust your bathroom routines for the big race. Have your significant other shock you with a taser anytime they catch you pooping between 7:30 and 9:30am.
– If you’re tired of finishing at the bottom of the men’s category, perhaps you’d fare better dressing up as a woman and competing in their category. If you get caught, avoid being banned for life by claiming you’re making a stand for transexual rights. You may have reservations about becoming Duluth’s most famous transexual, but Eddie Izzard and Uncle Barbie are famous, and they’re pretty cool.
– You know how when you’re drunk, someone punching you in the face doesn’t hurt as bad? The same is true for marathons. To avoid an upset stomach, try “vodka eyeballing“, a technique you can look up on the internet and then not sue me for encouraging.
– When peeing on the lawn of someone unfortunate enough to live along the marathon route, don’t stop running. Run and pee at the same time instead. Not only will you save precious seconds off your finishing time, but you’ll spread the urine across multiple lawns, creating fewer dead spots in the grass.
– Duluth has conveniently scheduled all its annual highway construction during this marathon. If you live in town, consider selling bags of oranges along the congested highway areas. Since it’s Duluth, you could also try selling old Bob Seger cassette tapes.
– If you’re driving from Minneapolis and want to avoid traffic, the fastest route is to drive North on 35W, then North on Highway 53, East on the Trans-Canada Highway, and then South on Highway 61. Pro tip: Do not stop at Pie Island. There is no pie there.
– Leaving the highway and taking rural roads may get you into town faster, but it also puts you at a greater risk for Deliverance-style rapings. I know this because I fly back into town each year to perpetrate them.
– If you’re unable to get hotel reservations, try sleeping in the University of Minnesota-Duluth library. I’ve often found that if you build a little fort of books around yourself, staffers won’t notice you at closing time. Pro tip: Falling asleep with a knife in your hand will also often cause staffers to not bother you at closing time.
– The Duluth News-Tribune staff is corruptible. If you send $14 to their sports department, their editors will “adjust” your finishing time by up to four minutes. Make sure the dollar bills you send are crisp so they can use them in the Trib building’s vending machine.
– It’s a little-known fact that visitors to Grandma’s Marathon are not allowed to leave Duluth until they spend at least $2,000 in the local economy. Pro tip: If you prefer a charitable donation, you can place that money in Mayor Donny Ness’ g-string when he dances at The Lamplighter on Sunday nights. He uses the proceeds to buy candy for orphans.
– If any of you hate marathons and running, like I do, feel free to come to my place instead, where I’ll be drinking scotch and playing Red Dead Redemption for 12 hours straight, just like I do every day.