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Cable TV is for dunces

I haven’t had cable or satellite TV in eight years. I’m not saying that to brag, like some obnoxious commune hippie who travels to town every month to gloat about how much more boring they’ve made their already lengthy existence on this planet. I’m just saying it as a fact. I haven’t had cable or satellite TV in eight years.

The weird thing is, I love TV. I love cheesy pop culture, mindless escapism, and Dr. Oz shows where people have goiters in their eyes. I love garbage. Give me the most worthless, selfish, degrading piece of entertainment you can find, and I’ll lap it up like George Rekers’ rentboy. I’ll barely even move from my spot on the couch. You’ll have to periodically check on me to make sure I’m blinking enough.

Yet, with five channels of such poop already available for free, I just don’t see the point in paying for more poop. One might suggest that multiplying the poop will allow you to discover more gems, but is finding more poop gems really necessary? I mean, cable poop is excellent poop – there are a lot of shows on cable I like – but is any poop worth paying $60-$100 every month? Call me old fashioned, but poop should be free.

To put it into terms my readership may understand better, paying for cable or satellite TV is like paying for internet porn. Sure, maybe the paid stuff has better selection and more kink, but topless photos of Ayn Rand on Google Images do the job just fine and don’t cost a penny.

Q&A with the UMD chancellor finalists

The University of Minnesota-Duluth is set to name a new chancellor, and three extremely prestigious candidates remain as finalists. Lendley Black, provost at Kennesaw State University, and Belinda McCarthy, provost at Missouri State University, refused to be interviewed by a newspaper as poorly written as this one, but Paul Ryan, who is not a provost anywhere and has actually been unemployed for a year and a half, was more than happy to stoop to our level for a chat.

Ryan began his academic career in journalism, which in hindsight was kind of like majoring in Latin or VCR repair. With the newspaper industry dying and exotic male dancing having way more male customers than he initially anticipated, Paul needed a new plan. His epiphany came, as such things usually do, through late night Cinemax. Seeing the film “Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo”, he quickly realized that anyone could write movies, so he moved to Los Angeles. Paul currently sleeps on piles of soiled towels and eats discarded food from dumpsters.

Do you have a vision for UMD?

I haven’t really put a lot of thought into it. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 just came out with new map packs, and Red Dead Redemption is out in a few weeks, followed by ModNation Racers a week later. By the time I finish all those video games, the summer will be over and Fallout: New Vegas will be released, and that game takes forever to finish. If hired, it may very well be a full year before I do any chancellor-related work at all.

Don’t get me crappy presents

Yes, it’s my birthday next week. Yes, I’ll be 31. Yes, I’ll be a year older. But unlike the rest of you cowards, I’ve chosen to age clumsily and profanely instead of gracefully. I will kick and scream the entire way to my grave, and drag as many young people down with me as possible.

When I get to 40, I plan to start selling crack. When I turn 50, I’ll roam my neighborhood throwing empty whiskey bottles at teenagers. When I get to 60 or so, I’ll just sit on my porch with a hose and douse anyone who comes within 40 feet of my yard. By the time I croak, I’ll be so despised that locals will just toss my wrinkled corpse into an Arby’s dumpster.

Which will be awesome, because they probably throw delicious roast beef in there.

You will do the same when your time comes, dear reader. I mean the kicking and screaming part, of course, not the hose or the Arby’s dumpster. Those are my elderly eccentricities. I’ve already called dibs on them. Find your own schtick.

Engagements – Week of April 19, 2010

Todd Fenceman and Autumn Winslow, both of Cherry, MN, plan to be married June 16 in United Lutheran Church in Duluth. Autumn is incredibly pretty, while Todd is large and homely. This situation, described by psychologists as the “King of Queens/According to Jim/Family Guy/Simpsons/Still Standing/Grounded For Life/Who Framed Roger Rabbit syndrome”, is not uncommon in small towns on the Iron Range, where beautiful people sometimes neglect to venture to large cities to accurately gauge their attractiveness.

Aaron Johnson and Amanda Santana, both of Two Harbors, MN, plan to be married May 1 in Great Lakes Aquarium in Duluth. No one knows why they would plan to be married in such a place, but since both of them are from out of town, it’s suspected that neither of them have ever actually seen the aquarium and just think it would “be cool”. Disappointment awaits.

Wilfred Ryan and Gertrude Rounds, both of Esko, MN, plan to be married June 1 in St. Mary’s Church in Duluth. The couple is so old that many wonder why two people so elderly and decrepit would even bother marrying again. It can sometimes take professional movers up to a week to begin moving a couple’s things into the same house, and by that time, it’s not unreasonable to think either Wilfred or Gertrude may already be dead.

Justin Bieber and I are Twitter buddies

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Hey man, whassup?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Hello? Hey, u there? I love ur music. I have two posters of u.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: One is in my bedroom and the other is in the bathroom. Both are on the ceiling.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Are u there? Is Twitter instantaneous? Can u see as I type? Can you tell if I’m not wearing pants? Can u touch me while I sleep?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Sometimes I sing your songs in the shower, but I always wear a swimsuit in the shower so it’s not gay.

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Do u ever put ur Blackberry on vibrate and leave it in ur vagina?

mrpaulryan @justinbieber: Um, u didn’t read that last one, did u? Sorry. I meant to send that to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.