Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.
December 25 marks a special day for Christians. It’s the day Santa Claus was born. Two thousand and seven years ago, God created the sun, the earth, and chocolate pudding. A number of years later, God’s son Santa slid out of a magical frozen vagina in the North Pole and began giving people presents.
God bequeathed Santa unto us from the thick of His loins because God likes people, and He believes we deserve to have widescreen TVs and Xbox 360s. “Let my son giveth unto them George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machines and golf balls with their names printed upon them,” God belched from upon a mountaintop deep in the wilds of heaven. “Let my only son, whom I have named Santa Claus, stuff their stockings with TJ Maxx gift cards and holiday-themed boxes of Lifesavers that will be banished to a drawer and never consumed.”
Santa Claus has upheld this duty for over 2,000 of His birthdays, using the power of The Lord to deliver gifts to everyone except really poor people (Santa wisely understands that someone has to remain poor in order for this economy to work). Even though all the presents are from God, Santa puts His own name on the gift tags, because God is modest and “doesn’t want to make a big deal out of things.” (Leviticus 18:407)
Mankind has also done his part. For over 2,000 years – most of it in the past 40 or so – we mortals have responded to God’s wishes, performing acts of mass consumerism in Thy Lord’s heavenly name. The shopping malls are blessed with profits and the stockholders are full of good cheer, allowing peace and goodwill to trickle down to all men, just like Ronald Reagan said it would. We all owe God, Santa Claus, and the holy spirit of Ronald our gratitude.
One way we thank Santa for His generous contributions to Christianity is to leave Him food on the eve of His birthday. Santa Claus likes cookies and milk because God likes cookies and milk, and liking cookies and milk is hereditary. That’s why people who are lactose intolerant are weak and God does not love them as much as the rest of us. He doesn’t hate them, He’s just greatly disappointed in them. The only thing God actually hates is evil and people who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work. “Seriously, what the hell is up with those people?” God often asks to no one in particular.
Another way we thank Santa Claus for being the undisputed Son of God is by being kind and helping others. Santa would do it Himself, but with all that gift giving, He doesn’t really have time to sit in some smelly dump in a bad part of town serving free soup to hobos. “Feck that,” says Santa. “I gots things to do, shorty.”
If Santa was saying that to a Filipino woman, He would use the term “pinay” instead of “shorty”. Santa Claus is very up-to-date on pop culture and slang terms, despite His busy schedule of being a savior to all Christians. He saw the movie “Juno” like three weeks before it was released in theaters.
Some children are frightened of Santa Claus. This is probably because they know someday the apocalypse will come, and Santa will load the most popular people on Earth into His sleigh, leaving everyone else to be consumed by Satan and cleansed through his thorny asshole. The rivers will run red with blood, the skies will be darkened by swarms of locusts, women’s faces will melt until they look like Amy Winehouse, and property taxes will increase by fourteen and a half percent. Children tend to be frightened by imagery like that.
But adults know it’s best not to worry and instead just focus on celebrating the birth of Santa the messiah. For Santa Claus is Emmanuel, the Son of God, and He is our savior. Santa is the light of the world and the king of man. Please remember in this holy time of year that Santa Claus is the reason for the season.