Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.
Does anyone else think “Obama” sounds like a delicious name for a candy bar? “Obamabar! Seven times the nougat!” It sounds youthful and exciting. I imagine an Obamabar being like a giant 3 Musketeers bar bursting at the seams with fluffy chocolate nougat.
Wait. Is that racist? Was I just being racist? It’s really more cannibalistic than racist, if you think about it. Whether that’s worse is for you to decide. Personally, I’d be less concerned about racism than about my apparent belief that human beings might be filled with nougat.
A “Clinton bar” sounds kind of old and played out, like a Clark bar. But to be fair, Clark bars are underrated. They’re actually quite delicious, despite all the criticism directed at them. It’s just that their position on the Iraq War has never been steady. Damn Clark bars won’t commit to a timetable, only to their own deliciousness.
I suppose Hillary Clinton could go with “Hillybar”, but that’s even worse. It’s too close to “Hairybar”, a product you couldn’t make me eat if you aimed a pistol at my groin. A shady, inbred name like Hillybar won’t stand a chance against Obamabar, a name which implies excitement and tidal waves of fluffy nougat crashing into my face.
I really need someone to do illustrations for these columns.
“John Edwards” does not sound like a candy bar. It sounds like a company of very elderly men who make specialty dress shoes. Pretty shoes, but ones you quickly regret buying once you realize nobody gives a shit about how pretty their shoes look.
A Mike Gravel candy bar sounds outlandish, inedible, and borderline batshit-crazy. “Gravel bar”? Like road gravel? In a candy bar? That’s not going to sell well. Gravel bars can join Zagnut bars as the items most likely to be kicked under your refrigerator, then consumed and upchucked by your dog. “Gravel bar! Only 60 calories, lodged in your colon like a brick!”
A “McCain bar” seems like it might be good, but it also seems like it might be a little too nutty. Sometimes it sounds like a whole pile of nuts that someone positioned into a candy bar shape with coconut. The only way you don’t recognize them as being just plain nuts is because of the form they’ve been shaped into. It also seems like a very angry candy bar. “McCain bar! Eat it or die, pussy!” “McCain bar! Eat it before the Vietnamese lock you in a cage!”
What? Too soon? It happened in 1967, for God’s sake.
I’m torn on whether Mitt Romney should go with “Romney bar” or “Mitty Sweets”. Either way, the candy bar would fail because of Mormonism. Most of them don’t eat chocolate because of the caffeine in it, so his candy bar would have to be one of those awful organic ones. Have you ever tried one of those Clif Nectar bars? You need eight glasses of water to wash one down.
Now call me crazy, but a “Huckabee bar” sounds mighty tasty. No matter how much I despise Mike Huckabee’s politics or religious agenda, I can’t deny that the man’s name sounds delicious. If you offered me a Huckabee bar, not only would I take one, but I’d a second one and keep it in my back pocket for a sunny Sunday afternoon at the ol’ fishing hole.
A Huckabee bar even sounds slightly religious. “Huckabee bar! Come get you some chocolate Jesus!” I’d be really excited if people started referring to Mike Huckabee as “Chocolate Jesus”. I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense.
I don’t even want to talk about a Rudy Giuliani candy bar. It probably wouldn’t be sold in Iowa, Michigan, or half the states that matter in the primaries. It’d only be sold in Florida, where it would just sit on the shelves, ignored and forgotten except as a cruel joke.
I’d comment on what candy bar Ron Paul would be like, but his energetic – if that’s the right word for it – supporters would find me, slit my throat, and use my corpse to make creepy homemade signs urging people to vote for Ron Paul.
I hope this column helped you choose a presidential candidate. Not everyone is interested in politics, but I find it helps apathetic citizens tremendously if you compare the candidates to enjoyable things like sugary treats. Next week’s column: Which style of underwear represents your favorite candidate? Is Mike Gravel a soiled pantaloon? Is Ron Paul a farthingdale or a bronzed codpiece? Stay tuned!