Google Has Shamed This Website

I'm having fun today. How? Well, I just found out that Google.com has finally listed the new address for Daily Ramblings in their search engine. Which means that when you google the term "daily ramblings", you will no longer be taken to an old, crappy version of this website, circa 1997. This site is in the big time, baby.

The statistics that come with my web hosting service are nice enough to inform me of the top keywords used in search engines to get to my site. And some of the results are quite hilarious.

For instance, if you google "Stargate Nightclub", you will find five to eight different pages leading to the official site for the seamy, slimy dance club in Superior, Wis. And right below all those links, on the main page of search results, is a link to my website. So here you have all these links with positive descriptions of the nightclub, followed by my site, which has the phrase "oozing, puss-filled STD's found at Stargate Nightclub" in the Google description.

Another example: if you google "Margot Wagner", you'll find two links to the folk singer's site, three odd German websites with an ugly woman who apparently bares the same name, and my website. Granted, Wagner was only the subject of one of hundreds of poems I've written, but when you click on the link, it makes me look like a horric stalker.

Once Google adds this particular column, a link will probably show up in search results with the description, "Margot Wagner . . . folk singer . . . Paul Ryan . . . horrific stalker". I hope she's not vain enough to google her own name.

I'm vain enough to google my own name.

Now for a more disturbing example. If you google "69ing", for some odd reason my website is the second one listed. And it is surrounded by porno sites. One link sitting right below the one for my site reads, "Hot Dudes 69ing Pics". While I'm all for equal rights for people of different sexual orientation, that doesn't mean I necessarily enjoy having this website categorized with gay porno.

Once again, because of this particular column, Google will someday have "gay porno" as a word that links to my site. Sigh.

But I am happy to say that this website is the number one link for the phrase "Compton ghetto". Google usually ranks search results by the amount of hits a site gets, so apparently my site gets more hits than "Inside the minds of real G's: Compton Affiliation" and "NWA: straight outta Compton". I'm so proud.

Important announcement! While searching other terms that people used to find my site, I saw a site called "How to masterbate with a shoe". I put the link to the site up, but click on it at your own risk. I'm sure as hell not going to check it out for you. Hopefully, my more daring readers will write me and tell me what's there.

Other disturbing googles that will eventually lead you to my site include: "I hate white bastards", "I hate Tony Danza website", "Natalie Portman pussy" (#4, once again wedged in with porno sites), "fattest man picture", "Walmart greeter pictures", "manly breasts" (apparently, this site is also number one for all your manly breasts needs. No joke), "smelly kid" (on page two of the search results), "Al Roker thinner", and "where can I find the Nerf original turbo football" (also page two).

But overall, "Stargate Nightclub" is still the phrase bringing the most people here. The term has resulted in the viewing of over 80 pages of this site. I should really send them a card or something. But hey, that's a project for one of next week's columns.