Apologies to Everyone Except Blockbuster Video

Okay, okay, so I went a little far with yesterday's Diff'rent Strokes screenplay. So what if Orson Welles didn't have any pants on? You know, if you imagine him saying the lines in his trademark voice, without pants on, it's really quite hilarious. Sigh. I need a television show each week. The comedic brilliance of my imagery just doesn't come across in this format.

Next week I'll go back to the boring old comedy format. Screw you guys for defying my art. In five years, when "Diff'rent Strokes: Starring Orson Welles Without Pants" goes to Broadway, I'll shun all you nay-sayers when the national media interviews me. Mel Brooks started out by writing a play that included Dwight Eisenhower and Roy Rogers without pants on, singing the song "Camptown Races". You'll see. YOU'LL SEE!

But hey, want to see something really funny? Click here! Blockbuster Video and their debt collection agency are trying to make me pay my late fees. Apparently, I owe them $16.30. Apparently, the Blockbuster Video chain will go bankrupt if I do not pay them $16.30 immediately.

Mr. Movies never had a debt collection agency. Neither did Video Update or Uncle Carl's Super Special Slappy Burrito and BETA Video Shack. They didn't because they realized that it's moronic to send a debt collector after some college kid (or in my case, an equally poor former college kid) for a little over $10.

So let me get this straight, Blockbuster: according to the letter, if I don't pay the money immediately, it will result in "further collection efforts" and a "jeopardizing (of my) rental privileges"? So you're going to tear up my membership and keep sending me letters. Have any of you hard-working people down there at the debt collection agency in Dallas, Texas stopped to realize that:

1. I haven't used my membership at Blockbuster in a year and a half.

2. I haven't responded to any of your other "collection efforts".

It would seem that I'm at a bit of an advantage.

Granted, if someone from the collection agency came to my apartment and demanded $16.30, I'd pay it on the spot. But why should I pay money to some stupid agency that's using scare tactics (the bold-faced section where they say they'll take all steps permitted by law to obtain the money) to try and get it? Please.

Maybe if they threatened my credit record, I'd pay them the $16.30. Oh, wait. That's right. They can't do anything to my credit record. They don't have the authority.

Anyway, the reason why I refuse to pay it is because of Blockbuster's lousy prices. Last time I checked, it was cheaper to go to a matinee (Matinees are movies during the day. Losers like me who have neither a date nor money go to matinees) than to rent a movie at Blockbuster. That, and at Blockbuster you have to listen to the annoying A/V Club dork at the counter as he discusses how good your movie is before he lets you leave. The guy at the Duluth Blockbuster is especially bad. God, I hate that stupid dweeb.

Anyone who can go get a picture of the correct geek from the Duluth Blockbuster will win $10. I'll send it to your house. No joke. Just guess the geek. It's not hard. Just go in there and ask them for the guy who makes personal comments about all the videos. He has darker hair, and that stereotypical geeky slouch when he walks up to the register to make your Blockbuster experience slow and painful. So here's your chance, Duluth/Superior column readers. Take your camera and send me the picture. Either e-mail it or send it to:

804 Cass St., Apt. 823,
La Crosse, WI 54601

You can even just describe the person first in an e-mail or in the forum, and I'll tell you if it's right or not. If you end up finding the guy and sending in a picture, I'll send you $10. It's not only easy, it's profitable.