My Website is Cooler Than Jesse Helms' Website! So There!

Aww, do I have to write a column today? Come oooooooooooon! Nobody else has to write a column today! Can't I just skip it? Just for today? Pleeeeeeeease? If you let me skip it just for today, I'll do it forever and ever and ever after that, and I'll never complain again! So can I? Aww, Man! Nobody else's readers make them do this! You never let me do what I want! I wish you were dead!

Thanks, reader. I like throwing a temper tantrum once in a while. Don't you wish you had just bought a puppy instead? Well, too bad. It's too late to change your mind now. But look at the bright side: at least I only occasionally poop on the carpet.

Today's column is a fun one, because unlike the candidate coverage I forced myself to write last week, today's column will allow me to actually rip on a politician that I hate. Yes, today we'll be analyzing the forever charming and always entertaining Jesse Helms. I happened to come across Senator Helms' website the other day, when I googled the phrase "embarrassment to Christianity".

I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I actually found the link while looking for pictures of George W. Bush that I could mutilate and use for the next Uncle Phil logo on the main page of this website.

So let's start with some background information on Helms that I only partially made up just a few moments ago. You probably know that Helms is old, but do you know what year he was born? Well, I'll tell you. He was born in Mesopotania in 3500 B.C, where he invented slavery. 5,502 years later, Helms is still a full member of Senate. The only person who has been a Senator longer is Strom Thurmond. Helms and Thurmond are known enemies. Helms often blames Thurmond for the death of Jesus, and in return, Thurmond blames Helms for starting the unsanitary 17th century habit of pooping in a bucket and dumping it outside your window. The senate is often forced to wait up as Thurmond and Helms fiercely debate which dinosaur was more fun to ride piggyback-style.

That was ridiculous, even for me.

In the 1940s, Helms was Director of News and Programs for the Tobacco Radio Network (Gasp! Paul actually did research! Glorioski!) in Raleigh, North Carolina. While "Tobacco Radio Network" was really only a sponsorship name, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the daily activities of the tobacco industry, I still like to bring it up, because libel is fun and I'm a filthy jackass.

Helms later earned an honorary doctorate from Bob Jones University. This university holds a special place in Helms' heart, for it's not often that one can find an entire university devoted solely to racism, sexism and KKK carnival fundraisers.

In 1980, 1981 and 1983, Helms was voted the "Most Admired Conservative in Congress" by the readers of Conservative Digest. As tempting as it is, I will try not to ridicule the name Conservative Digest, because it's just way too obvious.

In case any of you who were wondering, Conservative Digest is sort of like Reader's Digest, except that the amusing anecdotes are replaced with articles like "Why employees caught loading and exchanging guns in the parking lot outside their workplace shouldn't be fired", and "Is your doctor a spy?"

But let's get back to Helms. Did you know he's a fine chef as well as a senator? I'll bet you didn't. Feel free to print out and try his recipes for Baked Lima Beans, Fruit Cobbler, Chocolate Chess Pie and Chicken Pot Pie: http://helms.senate.gov/Kids/Recipes/recipes.html

I have yet to sample any of the recipes, but just to stay in the spirit of this column, I'm going to lie and say they taste like a sweaty nut sack.

So what's the main point of this column? Well, I happened to see the pictures section on the Jesse Helms website, and I wanted to show all of you. He has a different picture section labeled for every month of the year, and each one is filled with pictures of every single person or group of people that he talked to that month. It's the same damn picture every time, with the same background and the same moronic smile plastered on his face. The only thing that changes is the color of his suit, and even that doesn't vary too much. You really can't understand how dumb it looks without seeing it, so I'm going to end this column by posting the pictures. All of them.

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Did you think I was kidding? Well, I wasn't. ALL of them, jacko.



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