I Got Your Survey Right Here, You Son of a Bitch

It's Labor Day, and even though I still have to go to work today, I refuse to work hard at putting out this column. Here at this website, I consider myself to be self-employed, and I've decided to give myself the day off.

Instead of doing a normal Ramblings column, I'm going to print my answers to a survey. I got the idea this morning, when I noticed that I had received nearly a dozen forwards in the last week of surveys that you're supposed to fill out and send to all your friends. I hate these forwards, and usually delete them. But since there seems to be such an overwhelming demand for my input lately, I have decided that a response is necessary. With today's column, I can answer all the rat bastards who send me e-mail surveys in one shot. Here it goes. Enjoy.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Mandy Moore's thong, crumpled on my living room couch.

FAVORITE FEATURE ON PEOPLE YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO?
The tumor bulging out of their skull. Tumors are fun and sexy.

WHAT KIND OF QUALITIES DO YOU LOOK FOR IN SOMEONE YOU'RE INTERESTED IN?
You just asked that question, you sh*thead.

WHAT'S THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT?
"I'm Going to Urinate on You and Give You the Nasty on Camera," by R. Kelly.

WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Playing blackjack in Las Vegas, carrying Frank Sinatra's corpse under my arm (rigormortis makes that pretty easy to do).

WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Trapped in an elevator with former Monday Night Football commentator Dan Fouts.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
Massage? Why don't we just cut to the chase and have sex already?

WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
Milton Berle's glasses.

FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
I don't have children, you jackass.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
A holiday when I don't have to work.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
The one where I don't have to go to work on holidays.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
The one I'm not using to drive to work on a holiday.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER: SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Whichever one I'm eating during the holiday when I don't have to work.

WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
I don't have chores. I'm a grown-up. Now go take out the garbage, you goddamn moron.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The ability to burn down a Walmart, just by looking at it.

IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO OR PIERCING, WHAT IS IT AND WHERE?
I have 18 different c*ck rings, all in different colors.

WHAT IS THE WORST EXPERIENCE YOU'VE HAD ON A DATE?
When I broke wind repeatedly in her parent's bathroom, and the smell leaked out into the dining room where we were all eating. I tried to make a joke out of it by saying, "Your wife can sure can rip ass" to the father, but he wasn't amused.

WHAT IS ONE OF THE BEST MEMORIES YOU HAVE FROM THE PAST, WHERE IF YOU COULD RELIVE IT AGAIN, YOU WOULD?
The date I mentioned above. Except for the part where her father beat me with a lead pipe. It was hilarious, outside of that.

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?
What the hell do you care?

IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Straight up your ass, you nosy little bastard.

CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Can you shut the hell up?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Kitchen appliance? What the f*ck are you talking about?!?

IF YOU COULD TAKE A VACATION ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
To your house, so I could beat you to death.

IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Ask me another question like that, and I'll murder you in your sleep.

WHAT IS YOU FAVORITE KIND OF FLOWER?
That's it. You're f*cking dead.