Scientists' Poop Forum: Day One of Two

Hello all, and welcome to the scientist's forum. Today we are here to talk about poop. With us today are four individuals who are all reputable in their respective fields. First is Dr. Steven Goodspeed, who recently accepted a job at the San Diego Zoo. Are you enjoying your new occupation, doctor?

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: Well, no, actually. I got fired from my former position at Podunk University for molesting my female students. I don't see what the big deal was; I mean, it's not like I was molesting the attractive ones. My new job with the zoo is simply as a janitor. I shovel the large amounts of excrement in the animals' cages. Such a job allows me to see, smell and sometimes taste the poop of many different animals.

Did you just say you eat the animals' poop? Oh dear. How about we move on to our next guest. Let's all meet Dr. Nathan Assifine, a fossil expert from Hoboken, New Jersey. How did you begin studying poop, Dr. Assifine?

Dr. Nathan Assifine: I'm more of a freelance poop handler, really.

Oh, so you work with a variety of different universities on poop-related issues, instead of with just one? Splendid!

Dr. Nathan Assifine: No, actually I'm unemployed, and I just walk around my neighborhood looking for poop.

Okay. Perhaps our third and final guest will bring dignity back to this conversation. This newcomer to our scientists' forum is actually a celebrity guest. He was added to this year's forum to bring in a larger television audience. Please give a warm welcome to former Boston Red Sox third baseman, Wade Boggs. Good evening, Wade.

Wade Boggs: I'm a big teddy bear!

No, you are not.

Since Mr. Boggs is sweating like an addict, and has obviously overdosed on the popular club drug, ecstasy, let's just move on to our discussion of the rules. This is the first poop forum we've ever held, and I expect that you will all act like the professional gentlemen that you are. Let me remind you that there's nothing funny about this particular topic. Poop is a part of life, and therefore, a part of science. Courtesy and professionalism are the only two rules, and let's all try our best to follow them.

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: I dare say, this is by far the shittiest poop forum that I have ever taken part in.

Thank you, Dr. Goodspeed, but as I mentioned earlier, there's no need for such immature humor. The visitors of Dailyramblings.com, who donate thousands of dollars a year to my website, have been nice enough to provide the funding for this poop forum, and I highly doubt that they want to see immature, crude or poop-related humor.

So let's start this forum off with Dr. Goodspeed. Doctor, how do you see poop research evolving in the next few decades?

Dr. Steven Goodspeed: I imagine that poop research will bring about a change in how people view their own steaming stool. Right now, people find poop disgusting. But once they begin using my invention, which is a pill you can take to turn your poop a certain color, people will start to have fun with their poop, as they should. If kids could throw around a big piece of poop, it would be much cheaper and easier than buying them toys. And hey, after they got bored with the poop, they could study it.

Yes. Okay. You are a horrible, horrible man. Dr. Assifine, what do you think about this ridiculous and highly sickening idea of Dr. Goodspeed's?

Dr. Nathan Assifine: I really don't see the merit in it. While I know for a fact that poop is extremely fun to play with, when it comes to using it for research, I guess I am what you would call a poop antagonist. Aside from finding out what the subject had for lunch that day, I don’t believe there's much to be studied. And if finding out what someone had for lunch is important, I'll gladly drop my trousers and poop right here on the table.

Wade Boggs: Do it! Do it!

Please don't, Dr. Assifine. This table is aged oak. The finish would never recover. Now . . . Mr. Boggs! Please put your shirt back on!

Wade Boggs: Rub me! Touch me! I'm a teddy bear!

This is absolutely absurd! I apologize to our Dailyramblings.com audience tonight. This was not what we were expecting. Please tune in tomorrow, when our two-day poop forum will continue.

Wade Boggs: Glowsticks for everyone! Hooray!

Sit down, Mr. Boggs. Nobody likes you.