I Am Not Making This Up

Erection Co. Inc.
806 Birch Ave.

Erection Company Incorporated: I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

What is the meaning of all this? Why am I making profane jokes about the male anatomy? Well, I'm not. Erection Co. Inc. is a real business that operates out of the town where I work. I saw it the other day, when I was looking through the white pages to find a phone number.

I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

I realize that all this is very hard to believe, especially for you, reader. You're sitting there with your iced tea and Triscuit crackers, enjoying a breezy day and saying, "Why should I believe him? I am not amused!" Oh, ye have such little faith, reader. Here, I will show you a picture of the yellow pages listing. I highlighted the business, to help you find the Erection better.

I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

When I saw the company's listing in the phone book, I had trouble keeping myself composed. Luckily, my boss didn't come in to see what I was laughing at. I would have hated to sit there, trying to explain to him why the phone book was so funny. Surely, he had heard of the company before. But why hadn't he told me? Why haven't we done an article about this company? The public needs to know!

Headline: I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

How could anyone name their company after a natural sexual function and not see the blatant and unabashed mockery coming their way? Who works at this company? Do they make jokes about the name all day? Do the company's clients make jokes about the name during business deals?

"Hello Jim. How's the Erection?"

"The Erection is fine, Tim."

"So what do you do all day to keep the Erection going?"

"Well, I'm a secretary, so I mainly just bring the executives coffee. But I can tell you one thing: the job pays incredibly well. I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic."

As a journalist, I'm not allowed to call up businesses and openly mock them, or hint about their pornographic choice of names. It's one of the downfalls of the job. It would also be stupid to ask my boss, because he'd think I'm a moron. Granted, I am a moron, but I'm not about to announce it out loud by making jokes about a company that sounds like it should advertise in Hustler.

As I said before, I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

Say the name out loud. Say it in syllables. Say it in a British accent. Say it in a British accent while gyrating your pelvis. It's fun, isn't it? Of course it is. It always will be, because any company named Erection Co. Inc. has to be fun. There's no way for them not to be.

Once again, I'm not sure what they do, but it has got to be fantastic.

If anyone wishes to visit the company and ask them about their name, they can feel free to do so. Thoughtful guy that I am, I included a screen-capture of driving directions to the company, courtesy of the Sherlock search application on my computer.

If anyone does end up going (alcohol and everyday household cleaners make people do amazing things), drop me a line and I'll buy you lunch. So go forth, reader! Go forth and find the Erection that you've heard of, but never experienced!

And when you walk through the front door of Erection Co. Inc., make sure to yell out, "I'm not sure what you people do, but it has got to be fantastic!"