I Bought Ian Talty A Vacuum Cleaner

Ian Talty, an old buddy of mine from high school, is getting married on Saturday. I went to Target today, to print out his gift registry and purchase a suitable item. So why am I announcing what I got him ahead of time? Because I know he doesn't come to this website. I don't believe I've told him about it yet.

After he gets married on Saturday, I will tell him about this site. Right after I hand him the poorly-wrapped gift and say, "Hi. It's a vacuum cleaner. Where's the booze and bridesmaids?"

Plus, it's not like he and his soon-to-be-wife don't know what they'll be getting overall. They're the ones who made the gift registry, for crying out loud. That's the problem with weddings and Christmas: gift registries make it too easy to remember what you're getting. You should sit and wonder, and then smile politely when you unwrap the case of Old Style that I've given you to use on your honeymoon.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that a vacuum cleaner is a mighty expensive product to be giving to someone as a wedding gift, especially for someone like myself, who pays nearly $200 each year to continue putting out a website that does nothing more than slowly suck the marrow out of my creative bones.

Well, I only bought a small vacuum cleaner. A Black and Decker, uh . . . um . . . oh, hold on while I get the receipt. It's a cordless Dust Buster. Retail price: $29.99. It was either that or the Scooby Doo potting plant for $1.97. But since there's a chance they might open the gifts while everyone is actually there, I figured that I'd be better off going with the slightly pricier item.

According to the photos on the box, this vacuum cleaner is mighty powerful. The picture on the back shows a person emptying out the filter system, which apparently has sucked up an entire earthly garden, along with various solid objects that would barely fit through a car window. But at least it's better than the picture on the front, which says "Grab 'N' Go Convenience", and shows a person vacuuming a bare wall.

But I would have to say that this was the most manly gift item left on the list. It's got 4.8 volts of power (hey, it almost sounds good), 11.4 air watts (the extra .4 air watts really help), 402 ml of capacity (that's more than a full beer, people) and a "crevice tool", whatever the bloody hell that is. Needless to say, this is one ass-kickin' machine. And it has a two-year warranty, which is way outside the range of time where they can curse at the faulty vacuum and say, "Goddamn Paul and his lousy gifts."

Let's move on to a better topic. I've never met the bride to be. What should I say when I hand her the gift? I've made up some possible options.