The Minnesota Twins and Strippers, Together at Last

Last Saturday, I went to a Minnesota Twins baseball game. The last time I was at such a game was about three or four years ago. As I remember it from that time, the grounds outside the Metrodome weren't filled with whores.

But oh, how the times change. My friend Adam and I went to the game, and the first thing I noticed was the large group of beautiful, yet slightly skanky, women outside the staduium. "Beautiful women don't go to Twins games; Twins games are for nerdy baseball dorks like me", I said to myself. My friend informed me that these women were strippers from "Shieks Gentlemen's Club" in Minneapolis. As we got closer to the dome, I saw that they were handing out little cards as advertisements for their services of simulated poontang.

Here's the strange part, though. Not a single one of them even looked at me. They didn't try to hand me a card or anything. The only men they really harassed were nerdy-looking middle-aged men. It makes sense, I guess. Those are their main customers. But really, you'd think they'd want to go after the groups of young drunkards as well.

Granted, I've only observed this piece of stripper marketing once in my life, so my views aren't proven research or anything. My brother informed me that the strippers have harassed him before, and that they're now present outside every major sporting event around the city. I'm not sure what "every major sporting event" includes, but I think it would be pretty cool to see strippers harassing people outside a curling match.

But if there is one piece of truth I can provide, it is this: those strippers are mighty persistent. One girl yelled at a guy for not paying attention to her. "Excuse me sir! SIR! Take a card!" I found it mildly hilarious, because the young woman looked rather disgusted with her duty of handing out cards. Apparently, she found the work demeaning.

Overall, the strippers outnumbered the scalpers about 5-1. This is fine with me. I'd rather laugh and shout "You suck!" at a stripper than a scalper. Especially since the "you suck" portion might be true for the strippers.

But what I'm really wondering is if this marketing works. Do goony middle-aged losers with mesh Minnesota Twins hats and dork glasses sit there at the game, thinking to themselves, "You know, seeing an uninterested young woman taking off her clothes for crumpled dollar bills so she can buy smack would really hit the spot right now."

And more importantly, does the stripper marketing help out the scalpers? With all the disapproving looks the strippers were receiving, the scalpers must have looked like ethical businessmen out there.

The marketing must work, especially if the strippers are still hanging out there. This leads me to wonder why other strip clubs haven't followed suit. Think of how cool it would be to have strippers battling for territory outside a Twins game. People would start coming just to see the stripper fights. If clothes were torn and body parts were bouncing, people could set up lawn chairs and make an evening of it. I could hang out there every day with a camera, and make a living selling videotapes called, "Stripper Wars: Bloodiest Boobie Battles EVER!".

Everyone would have a favorite stripper who they would root for. Bets could be placed on the street. ESPN and Cinemax could cover the fights extensively. I could sell t-shirts with clever stripper-esque sayings on them. Also, the stripper fights would help Minneapolis get some much-needed recognition as a tough town. Sadly, the city's poverty-motivated homicides don't turn as many heads as they used to.

And hey, if people wanted to get rid of the strippers instead of turning them into an attraction, I could become a city hero, in a pied piper sort of way. Yes, I could put them out of business by stripping for free out on the sidewalk next to where they're handing out cards.

If that's not entertaining, I'd love to hear what is.