E-mails, Comments, Clarifications and Random Complaints From Readers

Well, it's been a while since the last letters column, so let's get this over with. Surprisingly, all of this session's mail is positive, which means one thing: this will be one boring column.

Come on, reader. You can do better than that. Let's keep the horrific insults and outrageous threats coming. You know I crave them.

Our first letter comes from Jess in Duluth, Minn. Like many others, she wrote in to praise the article with Paul Lundgren's latest column (Column 117, August 23, "Paul Lundgren's Lost Ripsaw Column").

Paul, this was so great! My best friend and I are huge fans of The Next Level, and were pleasantly surprised when we discovered the "real" last column on your site! Props to you for getting it out there!

Yes, that was nice of me, wasn't it? Perhaps you would like to reward me by sending me $100? You don't have $100? Well then, how about $50? You don't have $50? Well, then how about a monkey wearing a cape and a top hat? What?!? You don't have a monkey wearing a cape and a top hat?!? Okay, fine. Just send me nude pictures of yourself, then.

Ha ha! Well, now that Jess will never come near this site again, let's see how many other readers I can frighten off with immature jokes about nudity. BRING ON THE NEXT LETTER!

"Bring on the next letter!"

That was my midget, Edwardo. He handles the fan mail now.

Our next letter comes from Nikki in St. Paul. While it may seem that I use a letter from Nikki every month . . . um . . . uh . . . well okay, so I do. My readership sucks. So sue me.

Nikki was impressed with a serious column I wrote (Column 120, August 28, "The Story of Paul") about college life in a depressing and hopeless world of dying print journalism (Hi Stewart Platner!). Nikki keeps it short and sweet.

You soulful geek, that's the best thing you've ever written.

I like the term "soulful geek". It makes it sound like I'm one of the band members in "Weezer".

So what about September 11th? As you may remember, I decided to cut out the sappy, overdone sob stories and print a column with pictures of me doing a celebration dance in honor of us not getting terrorized to high hell again (Column 130, September 11, "September 11 Anniversary Column"). Adam of Richfield, Minn. wrote in his approval.

You did a good job with your column today. Not so easy to write a humor column on a day like today, but you did well, managing to be funny without being irreverent. I'm listening to the radio here at work, and they're covering the commemorative events being held in different places around the country. Also, they're playing bits of their coverage from last year as the horrible day unfolded. It's sobering stuff. Of course, I'm laughing. I'm laughing like a fiend at pictures of my childhood friend dancing like an idiot. Thanks for keeping things light.

I'm actually surprised that I didn't get any complaints that day. Most people seemed to wake up determined to be horribly depressed. I, on the other hand, threw the TV and radio out the window and ate an ice cream cone. Ice cream cones are fun.

Our last letter in this round is perhaps the longest letter I have ever received. It was in response to the column where I made fun of the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth, Minn., for threatening to sue me (Column 132, September 13, "St. Scholastica is for Losers"). So brace yourself, reader. Here comes one hell of a long letter from Bec in Inver Grove Heights, Minn.

You showed them (St. SHITlastica), those dumbasses.

Whew! That was a good, long read. Like Tom Wolfe, only with more variations of the word "shit". But yes, Bec, St. Scholastica is full of dupes willing to pay the equivalent of the price of a house just to graduate from someplace that uses fancy letterhead.

Actually, that particular column got four direct hits, meaning that four people didn't go through the site to get to the column. Usually, this means that someone e-mailed the people a link to the column page. Hmmm. Maybe the powers that be are watching me closely.

Hi CSS lawyers and administration!