Paul Waits Impatiently for His New Shirt

What the hell? I ordered that cool new shirt on, like, Thursday. That was . . . that waaaaas . . . that was, like . . . hold on.

(Counting childishly on fingertips)

. . . seven days ago! Man! I've been holding off on laundry since Monday, because I'm waiting for that new shirt to arrive. When you don't have a washing machine and dryer, and pay for laundry, you can't afford to just go do laundry whenever you get a new shirt. And nothing would be worse than doing laundry and then getting the shirt the next day.

Boy, it sure is a nice shirt, too.

No! NO! Don't think about the shirt. Thinking about the shirt will just piss you off more, and get you way overhyped for the coming of the shirt. If you do that, the shirt will be a disappointment when it does finally come, because you'll have spazzed yourself up so much that the dream of attaining the $15 shirt will be more than the actual shirt could ever live up to.

(Stops. Checks pulse. Resumes.)

Okay, got to calm down. Definitely. Calming down is a good thing. Just don't think about the . . .

Damn it! I thought about it again! This is horrific. I can't stop thinking about the shirt, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's like I'm a blind man sitting in Britney Spears' changing room.

And once the shirt gets here, I won't be able to wear it, because they won't let me wear a t-shirt at work. Actually, my boss probably wouldn't care, but everyone else in town will think I'm a joke if I wear a shirt that says, "Here comes a special boy!" while I’m at work. So I'll wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait again until the workday is done, and then I'll put on the shirt and sit around my apartment all night, because I'll know that I have to get up for work the next day. So I'll stay inside and wear it for roughly five hours before I go to bed. Then I'll have to wait until I do laundry again.

But wait. What if the shirt comes on a weekend? A weekend! Yeah! A weekend! Yeah! Weekend! Yea! Weekend! Yea!

But wait. I want the shirt to come now. To hell with that plan. But hey, what if the shirt comes now, I wear it, and then I sleep in it, too. Then I might be wearing the shirt in my dream, and I'll go do cool things in it, like ride the Tilt-O-Whirl at the fair and meet James Earl Jones! Yeah! YEAH!

This is awesome. I am so ready for the shirt to come. The FedEx guy could pull up right now, at 11:32 p.m., and hand me the package. Or maybe it will be the Brown guy. Oops, I shouldn't say "the Brown guy", even though "Brown" is UPS' new "hip name" for themselves. You can't capitalize the word "Brown" when you're talking out loud, and people might think that I'm referring to an African American, when I'm actually referring to an unknown happy man with my super happy fun package, which just so happens to be chock full of "shirt that I've been waiting for."

You'd think UPS would have thought of the "Brown guy" misunderstanding before they released it as their worldwide slogan. Sheesh.

Okay, where is the damn shirt?!? I'M SICK OF WAITING FOR IT! I WANT THE SHIRT NOW!

HEY GUY SENDING ME THE SHIRT! I'VE GOT THE WHOLE DAMN THING WORKED OUT NOW! I'M GOING TO WEAR IT TODAY AND THEN SLEEP IN IT, SO I CAN GET THE FULL USE OUT OF THE COOL SHIRT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SEND ME! HELLO? GUY SENDING ME THE SHIRT?

Oh, to hell with it. I'm going to bed.