Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I'm sorry, but I will not be doing a column today. It's impossible for me to write when the old lady who lives down the hall (known to some who visit me as the "cat pee lady". Details later) is blasting Celine Dion music.

Arrgh! Hey, want to do something gross? Put a dollar bill in your mouth, and swish it around with your tongue for a while. Ewww.

Arrgh! You know what's cool? When you wash your bedsheets, and go to bed right after they come out of the dryer. Even after they cool, they smell like fabric softener. And the sheets are all straight and perfectly tucked, unlike on normal days, when I just leave them in whatever fashion they were when I woke up that morning. The freshly-washed, well-tucked sheets make me feel like I'm sleeping in a hotel.

Arrgh! Damn you, vile French-Canadian! You know what I found the other day? I found a place where they actually still have playgrounds with metal slides and old-school playground equipment. Want to see?

Nowadays, all they have is plastic playgrounds. What fun is a playground if you can't burn off your skin on an overheated metal slide? Sheesh. Damn kids today. Next thing you know, they'll all have cool hover bikes.

Arrgh! You know what else I saw during my daily travels in the county? The true essence of the hick lifestyle. This next picture sums up "hick" without even using words.

An air-conditioner held up by a stick! This is why I live on the eighth floor in La Crosse, Wis. It keeps me close to work, yet as far away horizontally and vertically as possible from the hicks.

Ahhh! No more Celine Dion! Where's my Nyquil? Oh yeah? Well then, where's the daytime Nyquil? No daytime Nyquil either?!? This apartment sucks!

Arrgh! Must find a way to end the column. Must find a way to end the column. Oh! Hey! Look! A llama!

Ha! Gotcha! This column is over!

Arrgh!