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The Mechanic at Goodyear Thinks I'm a Jackass ...................Paul Ryan
Mechanic: Are you the one with the Cutlass? Paul: Yeah. Mechanic: That thing's a piece of crap! Paul: Um, yeah. Great. It's a used car. Thanks for the mildly retarded observation. Mechanic: No, really! That thing's a piece of crap! Paul: Who cares? Mechanic: Who cares?!? The turn signals don't work! The alignment is off! The front tires are bald!!! Paul: (Laughing hysterically, because he knows all of this, and doesn't really give a rat's ass) Mechanic: Stop laughing! It's not funny, it's dangerous! And besides, you need to wash it too, man. Paul: (Still laughing) Why don't you go wash it then. When you dry it, make sure to do so only with clockwise hand motions. It makes the paint shinier. Mechanic Hey, that's no joke. A few years down the road, your car may get rust on it if you let it stay dirty too much. Paul: Hmmm. My car has about 102,000 miles on it. So two years down the road, when my car has 267,000 miles on it and is somehow still running, it'll have rust? Oh, for shame! (Holds a semi-straight face, letting out little spurts of air as he tries not to snicker) Mechanic: Hey man, don't piss me off if you want your car fixed fast. Paul: Oooooh! Then I'll just drive have to drive half a mile down the road to the next place. What a tragedy. Or are you going to blacklist me throughout the city? Mechanic: (Scowls at Paul, like he wants to kick him in the teeth) Paul: Say, how's Joe, your dad? Mechanic: What? Joe? Paul: Yeah, your dad. Joe McCarthy. Still blacklisting Jews in Hollywood? Mechanic: (Scowling and grumbling out the words) Your total is $15.97. Please pay and leave. Paul: Okay. Here's a series of coupons that I neglected to show you beforehand. Mechanic: (Curses) Fine! There's your receipt. Go! Paul: (Stands at desk, annoyingly slurping complimentary coffee from waiting area.) Mechanic: I thought you were late for work. Paul: I am. But your slow service already made me late, and I'll get yelled at the same amount no matter how much time I waste before coming in. So I'd rather stand here and annoy you horaciously. (Gargles coffee) Mechanic: Get out of here! Paul: (Loudly slurps coffee again.) This coffee's terrible. Did you make it? Mechanic: I said get the hell out of here! Paul: 'Cause if you did, you suck at it really bad. Mechanic: I said LEAVE! Paul: (Walking over to waiting area) Hey, you guys have cable here, right? Do you get the Spice channel? Mechanic: Get out of here! Paul: (Stares directly at mechanic while slurping coffee again. Makes face at mechanic, then spits large mouthful of coffee on the floor) Gross. Make sure to clean that up. Mechanic: (Grabs tire iron) Paul: Hey, can I use your bathroom? This god-awful coffee you made is giving me the runs. Mechanic: (Knocks himself unconscious with tire iron.) Paul: (Steals money from unattended cash register. Takes off pants and runs outside.) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Announcer: The preceding story started out as a real account of Paul's conversation with a local car mechanic, but slowly morphed into an unsavory collection of blatant lies. Paul's life is rather dull, so he enjoys making things up. Remember column #1,407, when Paul claimed he shat his pants at a national poetry convention and blamed it on Emily Dickenson? Believe it or not, that story was a lie. Or what about column #8,763, when Paul claimed that he invented pudding? Also not true. And finally, of course, there's column #253, when Paul claimed that he killed Hitler with a tampon in 1947. This story, like the others, was simply not true. If you'd like Paul to have a non-boring life that will actually entertain you on this website, please help Paul syndicate this column to a newspaper. Thank you, and good evening.
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Paul: Hi, my car's oil change was supposed to be done 15 minutes ago. I have to go to work.
